Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself

by Kristin Neff

We can’t be defined by what we are thinking and feeling when our consciousness is aware that we are thinking and feeling: otherwise, who is it that is being aware of our thoughts and feelings?

Exercise One Noting Practice (Also available as a guided meditation in MP3 format at www.self-compassion.org) An

Mindfulness provides incredible freedom, because it means we don’t have to believe every passing thought or emotion as real and true. Rather, we can see that different thoughts and emotions arise and pass away, and we can decide which are worth paying attention to and which are not. We can question the accuracy of our perceptions and ask if our thoughts and emotions need to be taken quite so seriously.

If I had been able to be mindful during our conversation, I would have been able to say to myself: I am aware that I am feeling hurt, insulted, and angry right now. I’m going to take a deep breath and pause before I start shouting accusations. What are her motives—is she really trying to hurt me?

one of the ways we harm ourselves most is through the reactive habit of self-criticism. Whether due to our parents, our culture, or our personality type, many of us have built up lifelong patterns of beating ourselves up when we fail or make some mistake. Our automatic reaction when we see something about ourselves we don’t like is to put ourselves down.

We can reframe our situation in light of our shared humanity, so that we don’t feel so isolated by adversity. Not only am I suffering, I am aware that I am suffering, and therefore I can try to do something about it.

Suffering stems from a single source—comparing our reality to our ideals.

Exercise Two Mindfully Working with Pain

When we judge ourselves for our mental experience, we are only making things worse. “What a horrible person I am for having that thought!” “A nicer person would feel sympathy rather than annoyance in this situation!” Did you choose to have that particular thought or emotion, however? If not, should you be judging yourself so? We can release ourselves from the tangled knot of self-judgment by accepting the fact of our experience in the here and now. “These are the thoughts and emotions that are arising in my conscious awareness in the present moment.”

Jon Kabat-Zinn’s Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction (MBSR) program is one of the most ubiquitous and successful stress-reduction programs in the world and is taught in every corner of the globe.

People often start their meditation by focusing on their breath for a period to quiet their minds and sharpen their attention. Then, once the mind is fairly quiet, the attention moves freely to any thought, sound, or sensation that arises in one’s field of awareness. The idea is to observe whatever arises without judgment, without trying to push any particular experience away or else hold on to it.

Whenever you notice you are in pain, you have three potential courses of action. You can give yourself kindness and care. You can remind yourself that encountering pain is part of the shared human experience. You can hold your thoughts and emotions in mindful awareness.

When we experience our emotions on the physical level, rather than thinking about what’s making us so unhappy, it’s easier to stay present. It’s the difference between noticing “tightness in my chest” and thinking I can’t believe she said that to me; who does she think she is?

Exercise One Dealing with Difficult Emotions in the Body: Soften, Soothe, Allow (Also available as a guided meditation in MP3 format at www.self-compassion.org)