Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself

by Kristin Neff

Many of Gilbert’s patients have a history of being abused by their parents, either physically or emotionally. For this reason, they are often frightened of self-compassion at first, and they feel vulnerable when they are kind to themselves. This is because as children, the same people who gave them care and nurturance—their parents—also betrayed their trust by harming them. Feelings of warmth thus became jumbled together with feelings of fear, making the foray into self-compassion rather complicated. Gilbert cautions that people with a history of parental abuse should proceed slowly down the path of self-compassion, so that they don’t become too frightened or overwhelmed. Even among those without histories of physical or mental abuse, Gilbert’s research indicates that people are often afraid of being compassionate to themselves. They worry that they will become weak, or that they will be rejected, if they don’t use self-criticism as a way of addressing personal shortcomings. This fear of compassion then acts as a roadblock to treating oneself kindly and exacerbates self-judgment and feelings of inadequacy.