Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself

by Kristin Neff

Reframe the observations made by your inner critic in a kind, friendly, positive way. If you’re having trouble thinking of what words to use, you might want to imagine what a very compassionate friend would say to you in this situation. It might help to use a term of endearment that strengthens expressed feelings of warmth and care, but only if it feels natural rather than schmaltzy. For instance, you can say something like “Darling, I know you ate that bag of cookies because you’re feeling really sad right now and you thought it would cheer you up. But you feel even worse and are not feeling good in your body. I want you to be happy, so why don’t you take a long walk so you feel better?” While engaging in this supportive self-talk, try gently stroking your arm, or holding your face tenderly in your hands (as long as no one’s looking). Even if you’re having trouble calling up emotions of kindness at first, physical gestures of warmth can tap into the caregiving system, releasing oxytocin that will help change your biochemistry.