Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself

by Kristin Neff

Every time a wave of insecurity came over her she would silently say, “I love and accept myself exactly as I am.” Every time she started to criticize herself, or to interpret someone else’s actions as a deliberate rejection, she would repeat, “I love and accept myself exactly as I am.”

Reframe the observations made by your inner critic in a kind, friendly, positive way. If you’re having trouble thinking of what words to use, you might want to imagine what a very compassionate friend would say to you in this situation. It might help to use a term of endearment that strengthens expressed feelings of warmth and care, but only if it feels natural rather than schmaltzy. For instance, you can say something like “Darling, I know you ate that bag of cookies because you’re feeling really sad right now and you thought it would cheer you up. But you feel even worse and are not feeling good in your body. I want you to be happy, so why don’t you take a long walk so you feel better?” While engaging in this supportive self-talk, try gently stroking your arm, or holding your face tenderly in your hands (as long as no one’s looking). Even if you’re having trouble calling up emotions of kindness at first, physical gestures of warmth can tap into the caregiving system, releasing oxytocin that will help change your biochemistry.

Jesus famously said, “Let him who is without sin cast the first stone.” And later, as he hung dying on the cross, he said, “Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do.” The message was clear: we need to have understanding and compassion for even the worst wrongdoers, ourselves included.

Once I remembered that having problems and challenges was normal,