Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself

by Kristin Neff

It seems such a fleeting thing—feeling good—especially as we need to feel special and above average to feel worthy.

If I have to feel better than you to feel good about myself, then how clearly am I really going to see you, or myself for that matter?

the goalposts for what counts as “good enough” seem always to remain frustratingly out of reach.

To stop judging and evaluating ourselves altogether. To stop trying to label ourselves as “good” or “bad” and simply accept ourselves with an open heart.

To treat ourselves with the same kindness, caring, and compassion we would show to a good friend, or even a stranger for that matter.

Sadly, however, there’s almost no one whom we treat as b...

Bad as ourselves.

From the Buddhist point of view, you have to care about yourself before you can really care about other people. If you are continually judging and criticizing yourself while trying to be kind to others, you are drawing artificial boundaries and distinctions that only lead to feelings of separation and isolation.

This is the opposite of oneness, interconnection, and universal love—the ultimate goal of most spiritual paths, no matter which tradition.

I was causing myself to feel inadequate and insecure, then taking out my frustration on the people closest to me.

instead of relying on our relationship to meet all our needs for love, acceptance, and security, we could actually provide some of these feelings for ourselves.

self-compassion provides the same benefits as high self-esteem without its drawbacks.

Yet for some unknown reason, today you see him differently. You see him as a person rather than just a mere annoyance. You notice his suffering.

Compassion is not only relevant to those who are blameless victims, but also to those whose suffering stems from failures, personal weakness, or bad decisions. You know, the kind you and I make every day.

Compassion, then, involves the recognition and clear seeing of suffering. It also involves feelings of kindness for people who are suffering, so that the desire to help—to ameliorate suffering—emerges. Finally, compassion involves recognizing our shared human condition, flawed and fragile as it is.

Self-compassion, by definition, involves the same qualities. First, it requires that we stop to recognize our own suffering.

The very fact that we are conscious human beings experiencing life on the planet means that we are intrinsically valuable and deserving of care.

We don’t have to earn the right to compassion; it is our birthright.

We are human, and our ability to think and feel, combined with our desire to be happy rather than to suffer, warrants compassion for its own sake.

self-compassion involves wanting health and well-being for oneself and leads to proactive behavior to better one’s situation, rather than passivity. And self-compassion doesn’t mean that I think my problems are more important than yours, it just means I think that my problems are also important and worthy of being attended to.

Rather than condemning yourself for your mistakes and failures, therefore, you can use the experience of suffering to soften your heart.

You can let go of those unrealistic expectations of perfection that make you so dissatisfied, and open the door to real and lasting satisfaction. All by giving yo...

By giving ourselves unconditional kindness and comfort while embracing the human experience, difficult as it is, we avoid destructive patterns of fear, negativity, and isolation.

When we soothe our agitated minds with self-compassion, we’re better able to notice what’s right as well as what’s wrong, so that we can orient ourselves toward that which gives us joy.

Self-compassion provides an island of calm, a refuge from the stormy seas of endless positive and negative self-judgment, so that we can finally stop asking, “Am I as good as they are? Am I good enough?”

self-compassion is like magic, because it has the power to transform suffering into joy.

When we give ourselves compassion, the tight knot of negative self-judgment starts to dissolve, replaced by a feeling of peaceful, connected acceptance—a