Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself

by Kristin Neff

The beauty of self-compassion is that instead of replacing negative feelings with positive ones, new positive emotions are generated by embracing the negative ones. The positive emotions of care and connectedness are felt alongside our painful feelings.

“We are healed from suffering only by experiencing it to the full.”

Whenever I notice something about myself I don’t like, or whenever something goes wrong in my life, I silently repeat the following phrases: This is a moment of suffering. Suffering is part of life. May I be kind to myself in this moment. May I give myself the compassion I need.

The only way to eventually free ourselves from debilitating pain, therefore, is to be with it as it is. The only way out is through. We need to bravely turn toward our suffering, comforting ourselves in the process, so that time can work its healing magic.

Exercise Three Using Compassionate Imagery This exercise is adapted from Paul Gilbert, The Compassionate Mind (London: Constable, 2009).

1. Sit comfortably in a quiet spot. The first task is to create an image of a safe place. This can be imaginary or real—any place that makes you feel peaceful, calm, and relaxed: a white sandy beach, a forest glade with deer grazing nearby, Grandmother’s kitchen, or near a crackling fire. Try to really envisage this place in your mind’s eye. What are the colors? How bright is it? What sounds or smells are there? If you ever feel anxious or insecure during your voyage into self-compassion, you can call up this image of your safe place to help calm and soothe yourself. 2. The next task is to create an image of an ideally caring and compassionate figure, someone who embodies wisdom, strength, warmth, and nonjudgmental acceptance. For some this will be a known religious figure like Christ or the Buddha. For others it will be someone they have known in the past who was very compassionate, like a favorite aunt or teacher. For still others it might be a beloved pet, a completely imaginary being, or even an abstract image like a white light. Try to see this image as vividly as possible, incorporating as many of the senses as possible. 3. If you are suffering in some way right now, think about the type of wise, caring things that this idealized source of compassion would say to comfort you right now. How would his or her voice sound? What feelings would be conveyed in his or her tone? If you’re feeling a bit numb or shut down, just let yourself bask in the compassionate presence of...

Don’t take the ego too seriously. When you detect egoic behavior in yourself, smile. At times you may even laugh. How could humanity have been taken in by this for so long?

esteem. He proposed that feelings of self-worth stem from the “looking glass self.” That is, our perceptions of how we appear in the eyes of others. If we believe that others judge us positively, we’ll feel good about ourselves. If we believe that others judge us negatively, we’ll feel bad about ourselves. Self-esteem, in other words, stems not only from our own self-judgments, but also the perceived judgments of others. Highlight the word perceived.

Typically, however, people with high and low self-esteem are equally liked by others. It’s just that those with low self-esteem greatly underestimate how much others actually approve of them, while those with high self-esteem greatly overestimate others’ approval. In other words, high self-esteem isn’t associated with being a better person, just with thinking you are.

Our self-concept is not our actual self, of course. It is simply a representation, a sometimes accurate but more often wildly inaccurate portrayal of our habitual thoughts, emotions, and behaviors.

Rather than trying to define our self-worth with judgments and evaluations, what if our positive feelings toward ourselves came from a totally different source? What if they came from our hearts, rather than our minds?

1. Q1. Do I want to feel better than others, or to feel connected? 2. Q2. Does my worth come from being special, or from being human? 3. Q3. Do I want to be perfect, or to be healthy?

The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change. —CARL ROGERS

course, self-criticism must be somewhat effective as a motivator, otherwise so many people wouldn’t do it. If self-criticism works at all, however, it is only for one reason: fear.

If Jim was more comfortable with the fact that he might fail even when he did his best, he wouldn’t have to self-sabotage in order to save his ego when he did fail. And failure of some sort is inevitable when we only make a halfhearted effort.

Unlike self-criticism, which asks if you’re good enough, self-compassion asks what’s good for you? Self-compassion taps into your inner desire to be healthy and happy. If you care about yourself, you’ll do what you need to do to in order to learn and grow.

Every time you catch yourself being judgmental about your unwanted trait in the future, first notice the pain of your self-judgment and give yourself compassion. Then try to reframe your inner dialogue so that it is more encouraging and supportive. Remember that if you really

want to motivate yourself, love is more powerful than fear.

As you might suspect, our research finds that self-compassionate people are more likely to have learning rather than performance goals. Because their motivation stems from the desire to learn and grow, rather than from the desire to escape self-criticism, they are more willing to take learning risks. This is largely because they’re not so afraid of failure.

Compassion fatigue is a type of exhaustion and burnout experienced as a result of continually dealing with traumatized patients. When listening to tales of abuse or horror, or when tending to bodies that have been ravaged by sickness or violence, caregivers often relive their patients’ trauma. For this reason, compassion fatigue is also known by the name “secondary traumatic stress.”

But when we gain insight into interconnectedness, we see that innumerable factors continually influence who we are and what we do. We begin to see how impossible it is to completely blame any one individual for

anything—ourselves included. Each conscious being rests at the nexus of a vast number of interwoven causes and conditions that influence their behavior. This insight is often the key that allows us to forgive ourselves and others, letting go of anger and resentment and engendering compassion for all.

And even in those cases where people are cognizant of the harm they are causing, the question still needs to be asked—what happened to make them lose touch with their hearts? What wound occurred to lead to such cold and callous behavior? What’s their story?

Being human involves doing wrong at times. This means that to judge one person is to judge all the world. But to forgive one person is to forgive all the world—ourselves included.

If children feel understood rather than attacked, they’ll be much more likely to listen to you.

Adolescents have a hard time understanding the shared human experience, because they haven’t yet had enough close relationships to realize that their own thoughts and feelings aren’t in fact unique. They also tend to overestimate how much they know and how little others know because, well, what they know is all they know. As Mark Twain said, “When I was fourteen, my father was so stupid that I could hardly stand to be around the old man. When I turned twenty-one, I was simply amazed at what this elderly gentleman had learned in only seven short years.”

To have the type of close, connected relationships you really want with others, you first need to feel close and connected to yourself.

After things quieted down, another painful feeling would soon rise up, and round I’d go through the whole cycle again. It went on like this for about an hour. Yet after a while, I realized that my predominant experience was no longer an unpleasant one. Change was afoot. Instead of being stuck in the pain, my awareness was increasingly resting in the feelings of love, kindness, and connectedness that held the pain. As it did, the pain itself started to soften, the worry to lift, and I began to feel a lightness in my body.

Woody Allen made a career out of laughing at negativity, of course: “What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.”

Ironically, even though self-compassion arises during experiences of suffering, it tends to create joyous mind-states.

Curiosity is the engine of growth, spurring us on to explore, discover, and take risks, even when we feel anxious or uncomfortable. Self-compassion provides us with the sense of safety and equanimity needed to remain open as we take leaps into the unknown. It allows us to take refuge in interest and discovery when we have no idea what’s going to unfold from one moment to the next.

“Even a happy life cannot be without a measure of darkness, and the word happy would lose its meaning if it were not balanced by sadness.” The key word here is balance.

it. By opening up to the mystery of autism, by learning to see it as an adventure rather than a curse, we realized that Rowan’s autism was actually the best thing that ever happened to us. We wouldn’t be leading such an incredibly interesting life if it weren’t for Rowan’s autism.

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.

We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn’t serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others. —MARIANNE WILLIAMSON, A Return to Love

Our sense of self may be so infused with feelings of inadequacy that it becomes frightening to see ourselves as worthy and valuable. Ironically, this can feel like a sort of death to us, and our negative sense of self will therefore fight hard to survive.

Fear of outshining others is another stumbling block. There’s no doubt we live in a competitive culture where we need to feel special and above average to feel okay about ourselves. At the same time, it’s lonely at the top.

“the deepest principle in human nature is the craving to be appreciated.” Luckily, we can meet our deep need to be appreciated without depending on other people to approve of us. We can acknowledge our own beauty. Not because we’re better than others, but because we are human beings expressing the beautiful side of human nature.

Typically, however, others’ good qualities tend to make us feel inadequate. That woman is gorgeous so I must be ugly. He’s intelligent so I must be stupid.

“You are a wonderful manifestation. The whole universe has come together to make your existence possible.” If you take the notion of interbeing seriously, then celebrating your achievements is no more self-centered than having compassion for your failings. We can’t really claim personal responsibility for our gifts and talents. They were born from our ancestral gene pool, the love and nurturing of our parents, the generosity of friends, the guidance of teachers, and the wisdom of our collective culture.

Research also shows that people can boost their happiness levels significantly simply by changing the way they relate to their lives. In other words, it’s not so much what happens to you but your attitude toward what happens that matters.

“Happiness does not consist in things themselves but in the relish we have of them.”