Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself

by Kristin Neff

IN THIS INCREDIBLY COMPETITIVE SOCIETY OF OURS, HOW MANY OF us truly feel good about ourselves? It seems such a fleeting thing—feeling good—especially as we need to feel special and above average to feel worthy.

WOW ok first sentence of the book and I'm already called out!!

When mothers or fathers use harsh criticism as a means to keep their kids out of trouble (“don’t be so stupid or you’ll get run over by a car”), or to improve their behavior (“you’ll never get into college if you keep getting such pathetic grades”), children assume that criticism is a useful and necessary motivational tool. As comedian Phyllis Diller notes, “We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.” Unsurprisingly, research shows that individuals who grow up with highly critical parents in childhood are much more likely to be critical toward themselves as adults.

HUH interesting

If we look more deeply, we see that harsh self-criticism is often used as a cover for something else: the desire for control. Given that the parents of self-critics are usually overly controlling, the message is received early on that self-control is possible.

BINGO

AS I’VE DEFINED IT, SELF-COMPASSION ENTAILS THREE CORE COMPONENTS. First, it requires self-kindness, that we be gentle and understanding with ourselves rather than harshly critical and judgmental. Second, it requires recognition of our common humanity, feeling connected with others in the experience of life rather than feeling isolated and alienated by our suffering. Third, it requires mindfulness—that we hold our experience in balanced awareness, rather than ignoring our pain or exaggerating it. We must achieve and combine these three essential elements in order to be truly self-compassionate.

Being human is not about being any one particular way; it is about being as life creates you—with your own particular strengths and weaknesses, gifts and challenges, quirks and oddities.

You know quite well, deep within you, that there is only a single magic, a single power, a single salvation . . . and that is called loving. Well, then, love your suffering. Do not resist it, do not flee from it. It is your aversion that hurts,nothing else. —HERMAN HESSE, Wer lieben kann ist glücklich. Über die Liebe.