Honey (Agía Sahnta #2)

by Mariel Pomeroy

Maybe happiness wouldn't taste as sweet without the feeling of impending doom that crawled after it. And maybe fear, like all the other seemingly unbidden emotions, was simply a warning; a warning that historically, caused raised hackles and sharpened blades clenched in trembling and unsure hands.

“The ones that nourish you and the ones that poison you can look the same. That’s why we are careful in the forest, right? You need to pay attention to the things you can’t see.

“If you take offense to something I did not attach your name to, maybe you should evaluate why for yourself,”

The pain she’d felt just moments before, the knives that had rained down on her in a different world entirely, had abdicated. But now she wished for them back, because what took its place was a numb beast, the kind that demanded so much more penance than pain did. Because the word numb itself was a fallacy. It was never that. It was heavy. It was suffocating. It was a vacuum.

Home. Not something she understood. Never had. A homeless, misplaced, different thing, just looking for her own freedom.

“In Keloseros, rain reminded me that I was really small compared to the rest of the world, that there were more important things than my own heart, people suffering worse than me. That the trees around me had survived hundreds of years of hard weather, and that I could bear the clouds too.”

She wanted to melt further until she was nothing but a puddle because puddles didn't have to face their realities or make decisions they didn't know how to make.

She fucking hated being approached on a good day. This was not a good day.

—I didn't know." "Didn't know what?" he asked, every word he spoke vibrating against Aheia's spine. "That she was spoken for." "I don't speak for her. Now stop wasting her fucking time and keep your mouth shut until she tells you otherwise."

"I want to hurt you," she said under her breath, words just for the two of them. "But I have a reason for it. You wanted to hurt me too," she continued, watching Blue carefully. "What was yours?"

"You think I owe you my body? That you somehow have a right to it because what—you're stronger than me, and taking it would be easy?"

His tight grip was exactly what she needed because her own control was too heavy on her shoulders. If he could hold it, manipulate it, bear it for a little while—make a choice she couldn't get herself to make, take it from her so she wouldn't feel weak—it was worth it.

“Your come”—he leaned into her ear, running his nose against her temple—“is dripping from my tongue. You better fucking remember who you worship with yours.”

“It hurts,” she whimpered, breath uneven and broken. All fucking mine. This was his. All of it. “Not yet,” he whispered softly, nuzzling the side of her temple. “But I’ll make sure it does.”

“Yea, I …” She cleared her throat. “I’ve only ever heard of anatomically female Mithra taking any kind of contraception. None of the options were very comfortable.” None of the options were very comfortable. Of fucking course, the Ćist would try to strangle the part of the equation that could have a youngling every nine months and not the one that could reproduce over and over again within a single damned day. Archaic.

“What I’ve found is the ones that dedicate too much life to the salvation looming on the other side of death have become blind to what any of it truly means,”

“That’s all the more dominant archetype is, isn’t it?” Lúc winked. “A brat with a control issue.”

“Lúc still believes his past is something stationary. He’ll figure out for himself that it’ll follow in his wake like a shadow until he decides to face it.”

“Sit. Stay,” she growled. “Eat. I’m not some trainable pet.” His jaw ticked. “You don’t give yourself enough credit.”

“Don’t throw that at me like it's my fault. You don’t even try. Because it would be too simple, letting yourself be happy. You’d rather sink into your heaviness because it makes you feel something. Anything. Isn’t that right? You’re holding on to the fear and the pain because you don’t know who you are without them. You’re afraid to let them go because then you might have to actually live a life that isn’t rooted in hardship.” He took another step. “Happiness scares you, and anger and sadness are familiar. It’s an age-old story. You’re not special.”

I am not battling my demons only to be killed by yours in the process.”

“I like your obedience, little goddess, but I don’t fucking need it.” Aheia fought the whimper that lodged in her throat. “On your fucking knees,”

“You smiled.” They cleared their throat. “And to some, it’s important.” The vise inside of her tightened, and it left her wondering how good things could hurt a heart just as much as bad things. Different pains, but debilitating nonetheless.

“The size of our bodies has nothing to do with our worth. They’re simply a vessel for our minds.”

Gods … a novel idea that lets others excuse their reality. But she wouldn’t tell Kar that. It didn’t matter what she believed. And if faith gave the empath strength, who would she be to try to dismantle it with her own thoughts?

She knew she’d finish this conversation in the tub later with an imaginary Emryn, and she sure as shit would sound comprehensive then.

“Taking pleasure from multiple places and people doesn’t diminish what they have with each other.

That kind of starvation was nothing but control over bodily autonomy held by creatures who should have never gotten their hands on it.

His groan fed her, a frenzy building inside her stomach. She needed his pleasure. It felt like hers.