Riot Rules (Crooked Sinners)

by Callie Hart

Every single person I meet on the street, in a hallway or a classroom makes their minds up about me in the breadth and space of time that it takes for a healthy heart to beat. They’re going to think whatever they’re going to think. That’s just what people do.

He feels like a constant. Like safety, and home, even though he is anything but.

Living like that? Making myself so inconsequential? A piece of me withers and dies with every day that I observe the rules and play it safe. I’ve begun to wonder how long it will be before there’s nothing of me left. I like listening to him play. I like the heat in the pit of my stomach when I look at him. I like the way the world feels like it’s burning when our eyes meet.

They fly, eerily silent, running as one, and I’m startled by the unexpected ache of longing that hits me. Something like this shouldn’t be witnessed alone. It’s the kind of secret, special thing that needs to be shared… …and I don’t want to share it with him.

Would I even know the truth anymore? If it leapt up and slapped me in the face, would I even recognize it?

Ever tried to stop yourself from falling? You put your hands out, try to grab onto something, sure, but once you’ve already tripped and your center of gravity shifts, there’s not much you can do to prevent the fall until you hit the ground. You brace for the impact, and you hope for the best.

But I’m not like them. I never have been. I wear what I want, and I say what I want, but when it comes to taking what I want, I’m a coward of the highest order.

A question and an answer. The kiss feeds my soul and brings me to life. How did I not know I was sleeping until now? All of this time, I’ve been living my life in dull, fuzzy black and white, when it could have been this: blazing technicolor, crystal clear, brought into the sharpest focus, and all it would have taken was a kiss. His kiss.

Amongst all of that nothingness, I somehow came into being. We’re all made of elements that were forged in the burning furnaces of the stars.

“Whatever you give light to will grow, Dash. Feed something and it’ll flourish. Care enough and the fragile thing in your hands will strengthen. I have faith that you’ll give me what you can until there’s more of it to give. That’s all.”

I spend every moment looking for her. I scan the sea of students’ faces as they pass me by, waiting for one of them to finally be hers.

“It feels good to be seen by you.”

“But what if I don’t want to be the moon? The sun and the moon are always chasing each other across the sky, never able to catch up with one another.”

the sun and the moon as ill-fated, star-crossed lovers, never able to be together, theirs a tale of tragedy and lost hope.

“It’s okay, Stella. We’ll be a permanent eclipse. That way, we’ll always be together.” “That way, the world will always be in darkness,” I argue.

he can ignite me with a touch, but I burn just as easily from his words.

Now, I have one more hurt to carry. Another truth that can be wielded as a weapon.

I’ve been lost in the blue for years. More so since he came along. When I look up at the night sky now, it’s hard to see the stars anymore. All I see is him. All I feel is him.

I’ve lost my very soul to this boy under a blanket of stars every night, and I’ve savored every single second of it.

These are the moments I live for. These blissful silences, entangled in the dark, feed my soul in a way I never imagined possible.

He made me forget all of the things that he said he was going to do. Like a fool I let him walk me into this…this epic betrayal, and now I only have myself to blame.

“You win,” I whisper. The words are lost below the roar of the rain slamming into the earth and the wind shaking the trees, but I feel the resignation in them, deep inside my soul.

I miss his laughter. I miss the keen intensity of his gaze, edged with lust. I miss the way he used to touch me so possessively.

I stole her fucking stars.

It doesn’t feel like it’s on fire, either, which is good, I suppose. It feels safe when his lips meet mine, and safe is something I haven’t felt for as long as I can remember. Safe has its merits. It means I don’t feel like I’m going to be let down any second.

How can it still hurt this bad? It’s amazing how pain weaponizes our memories and turns them into bombs.

I would have burned down the fucking world to protect you,

I take one last look at her, hating the mess we’ve created together.

my heart shattering all over again. It’s funny—I thought it had already been ground into a million little pieces, but it turns out that the tattered lump of meat in my chest has an infinite capacity for breaking.

think past experience is valuable. An opportunity to learn from our mistakes. I think that going back is impossible, and even if it was possible, we shouldn’t do it. We should move forward and create new beginnings instead of trying to re-create old ones.”

I’ve walked this earth. I’ve eaten, and slept, and dreamed, but I have never truly felt alive until this moment.

So many desires war with one another inside me that I don’t know which one to tend to first.