A Holly Jolly Ever After

by Julie Murphy

“My entire life, everyone else has defined Winnie Baker for me, but now, I want to define Winnie Baker for myself.

I deserved better than that kind of talk about myself, even if it was from myself, and I was too old to pretend I didn’t know the difference between pushing myself and punishing myself.

It’s embarrassing to feel like I’m the only one who’s behind,

But that was the thing I’d noticed about Kallum over the last few days on set—he was possibly the least self-conscious person I’d ever met. Everything he did, he did with that same earnest, easy attitude, and I’d never met someone who was both wholehearted and also absolutely relaxed about it too. Like it didn’t matter if some blocking wasn’t working or if we had to do another take or if a joke fell flat. He would just shrug and grin and then try again.

I wanted to be everything for Winnie. The man she leaned on in every situation. But I would show up in whatever way she’d have me. So I’d give her time and space . . . when it came to us.

How many times would there need to be explanations and apologies?

I hated that her words had the power to make me defensive, but they did.

Yes, the burrito years were the ones that got oohs and aahs and sip-and-sees, but the rest of the years were even more precious and rewarding, and the ones that made parents remember they were raising their little humans to be the most interesting and curious and kind people they could possibly be. People that they would be happy and grateful to share the world with.