A Holly Jolly Ever After

by Julie Murphy

“But think of the optics, Winnie! Couple reunited! Love conquers all! You’ll feed the narrative with a People story and joint public appearances at our church, and everyone will eat it up.”

Ummmm what? Thats not sustainable

There were toys made to look like real people’s bodies?

Oh honey....

Seriously, how did other people do this? Weren’t they worried that people could . . . well . . . tell?

Does that matter???

I’d never crossed the finish line with Michael, and he was objectively hot and with enviable stamina.

Its because he never cared to have a conversation with you about what turns you on and vice versa

We’d met filming a movie called Treasures in Heaven when I was seventeen and had gotten married on my eighteenth birthday.

Whooaaaaaaaaa

guess it’s no surprise he wound up cheating on me.”

Not you justifying him cheating on you

“You’re all checked out,” said Stella from behind the check-in desk. “You were charged for your full reservation due to our cancellation policy. Oh, and the printer’s broken, so I can’t get you a statement either.”

LATER LOOOOSERRRRRRRR

Surely not, right? Surely the guy famous for slinging pizzas and boinking bridesmaids wouldn’t want to be bogged down with spit-up and mastitis and all the other unglamorous parts of parenting?

Jesus girl let yourself be loved

I’d never been religious, but this moment was as close as I’d ever come to believing in a higher power.

Hey Alexa, play God is a Woman😂

“Badum tss,” she said lazily, making a drum sound. “That purity culture pun gets ten out of ten.”

Bitch this has nothing to do w purity culture or it being a joke—HE LOVES YOU

smiled. I couldn’t wait to meet her, and the rest of Kallum’s family, even if I was a little nervous too.

Girlie it’s v natural to BE nervous—if therapy has taught me anything it’s to give myself the opportunity to feel

a solid apology would fix it.

Bro you need to do more than just give “a solid apology”

I basically ran the place for the last four months!”

Yeah ran it into the ground, you goofy ass mfer

Since Michael and I had gotten married, they’d been working at the Bachers’ media company, True Vine Studios, doing IP development, and I knew they wanted me to commit to a project with True Vine almost as much as they wanted me back together with Michael.

Ugh barf

The old friend turned out to be my old manager, Jackie Lipps, who had unceremoniously fired me not two years ago, and was now smiling up at me like we were old friends.

Aye girlllll where you been loca?

“No. I’m not shuttering Santa, Baby, and I’m not trying to squeeze my way back into True Vine’s good graces. And as much as you might want me to fit back into my old brand, I can’t now. I’m having a baby with someone I’m not married to. There’s nothing more contrary to the old brand than that.”

Pop off sis

From the outside, it will seem as if your parents have decided to welcome a new child into their family, and you are its attentive, doting sister.

WHAT THE FUCK??????????

play house as much as you want.

PLAY HOUSE—????? bitch you better be joking