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That had been his dream. Now that it had shown up, however . . . now that it was standing across his bedroom and looking him in the face . . . he wanted something else entirely.
Christ, this took him back to medical school and, in a strange way, brought him alive in a manner that the operations he’d been doing lately didn’t.
“Do you consent?” the human demanded. “Or maybe you’d like to think about it for a while so that your joints heal up like a flamingo’s.
Her voice was rock-solid serious. “I judge you not by the sex of whom you love . . . but by how you love them.”
“You’re not in love with me, either, Layla. You just aren’t. You felt a lot of physical shit, and that made you think it was emotional. The trouble is, body needs a hell of a lot less than the soul does to connect.”
“Are you thinking of leaving?” “All the time.” He turned and went for the door. “It’s all I can think about.” Well . . . didn’t that make two of them. But then, Jane had never imagined that she’d not be here. Proof positive that it wasn’t helpful to have a lot of bright ideas about your future.
So that when they ask after our health and well-being, which the aristocracy is wont to do, we can inform them that although prime-bred horses are pretty in the stables . . . a pack of wolves is what you want guarding your back door.”
“My question is clear. Answer it. Now.” As his brows rose, she could not tell whether he was excited or repulsed by her brashness, and she did not care in that moment. “The truth is what it is, spoken or not. So we might as well have it all out.”
Would she never fit the Layla standard of feminine perfection?
Standing in the middle of the corridor, her healer was showing neither shock nor horror, just an intelligence she was coming to expect from him.
lex talionis
. Shit, look, your brother knows what’s doing—I can’t take care of you properly and—” “I can take care of myself.”
“You said you would grant me a favor. I have put it upon you. Is your word not your bond?”
V looked at the male’s shellan. “It’s all right, Vishous,” she said. “It’s going to be all right.” “I do not crave this.” But he needed it before he became a danger to himself and others. “I know. And I love you, too.” “You are a blessing beyond measure,” he pronounced in the Old Language. And then he bowed to her and turned away.
Rubbing his face, he couldn’t decide whether he was impressed with himself or terrified that he was so accepting of that news flash. Probably healthier to be shocked and disbelieving and all about the hell-no. His brain just rolled with it, though—which meant he was either getting really flexible with what he considered reality or his gray matter had fallen into a state of learned helplessness.
He screamed and screamed until there was no breath, no consciousness, no nothing. No past or present. Not even himself anymore. And in the midst of the chaos, in the strangest way, he became free.
“It’s . . . beautiful.” He laughed a little. “Parts of it certainly are. And darkness and distance are great makeup artists.”
Although, God, he had to wonder at the cruelty of finally finding his perfect match . . . in someone so fundamentally incompatible.
His cheeks were slick with tears that spilled over his diamond eyes, a ceaseless flow he neither noticed nor appeared to care about. And she had a feeling it was going to be a while before the leaking stopped—an inner artery had been nicked and this was the blood of his heart, spilling out of him, covering him.
And afterward, like a dead body that had rolled over faceup in still water, that shit had sunk down again, resettling on the sandy riverbed of the very core of him.
If anything, he’d been closer to Butch—but that was male-to-male, which was somehow less threatening than male-to-female.
So, yeah, it was time to stop using outside shit to self-medicate his emotions.
This turn-a-new-leaf resolution was all well and good—but how did he keep it going? Tomorrow evening he simply couldn’t afford to wake up and be that guy who went off the rails anymore.
“I can’t promise you we’re not going to hit rough patches again, and I know we’re not always going to agree. But on this I’m very sure—you will always be safe with me. Always.”
Love, he realized, was like the daggers he made in his forge: When you first got one, it was shiny and new and the blade glinted bright in the light. Holding it against your palm, you were full of optimism for what it would be like in the field, and you couldn’t wait to try it out. Except those first couple of nights out were usually awkward as you got used to it and it got used to you. Over time, the steel lost its brand-new gleam, and the hilt became stained, and maybe you nicked the shit out of the thing a couple of times. What you got in return, however, saved your life: Once the pair of
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Well, he would have picked an easier route if there had been one. Except he wasn’t sure it worked that way. You had to earn where they were now.
“If you have any compassion at all, you will leave me to mourn here alone. I cannot listen to all the reasons I must needs separate myself from him—I know them all. Please. Just go.”
And if you try to dissuade me by the fact that I have not lived yet enough to judge, I say unto you . . . fuck off. I need not know the world to realize my heart’s desire.”
It was hard to imagine that her heart had been so full of joy just ten minutes ago.
Transformed by deadly purpose, she was neither male nor female, neither Chosen nor sister nor daughter. As she dodged and surmounted the alleys and streets, she was a soldier.
“I am what I am. Deny it at your peril.”
Lifting her palm, she peeled back and slapped him across the face. “And do not insult my blood.”
He did not take a formal vow upon his honor, for verily, he had none. And he did not look back as he took to the stairs.
As the wind hit her face, she laughed in pure exultation as they took off in a streak of joy and freedom. Yes . . . yes! A thousand yesses! To set upon the night. To have freedom to move. To have love waiting upon her. This was more than just being alive. This was to live.
Manny felt like he was home in so many ways; and he didn’t want to think too much about that for fear the fragile blessings would fall apart.
