Beautiful Boy: A Heartbreaking Memoir of a Father's Struggle with His Son's Addiction and the Journey to Recovery

by David Sheff

It hurts so bad that I cannot save him, protect him, keep him out of harm’s way, shield him from pain. What good are fathers if not for these things? —THOMAS LYNCH, “The Way We Are”

In early fall 2018, Karen and I saw a cut of the movie adaptation of Beautiful Boy for the first time before it was first screened for the public at the Toronto International Film Festival. To say it was overwhelming and bizarre to watch our family played by these amazing actors is an understatement; it was beyond mind-twistingly surreal. Seeing the story from the outside – sitting in a theater and watching those people (us but not us but us??!?) gave me a new perspective on some of what happened when we were going through the worst years of Nic’s drug use. There’s a scene in which the director Felix has the dad/Carell going out and scoring meth in the middle of the night. It’s a moment that shows the depths of his despair. I never did that, but by creating the scene the director synthesizes two forces that drove me throughout those years. I was desperate to understand what was going on with Nic and at the same time wanted to escape the relentless fear and grief. I was desperate for the relief drugs promise but don’t deliver. They wouldn’t have helped; they didn’t help the dad in the movie.