Beautiful Boy: A Heartbreaking Memoir of a Father's Struggle with His Son's Addiction and the Journey to Recovery

by David Sheff

I learned another lesson, a soul-shaking one: our children live or die with or without us. No matter what we do, no matter how we agonize or obsess, we cannot choose for our children whether they live or die. It is a devastating realization, but also liberating. I finally chose life for myself. I chose the perilous but essential path that allows me to accept that Nic will decide for himself how—and whether—he will live his life.

Many people have written messages on facebook and twitter and said that this was a revelation for them. Like me, they’d tried everything, often for years, to help their child (or husband or wife, partner, parent, brother or sister, friend, etc) and nothing had worked. In the meantime, they were in constant hell. They related when I wrote that I’d become addicted to my son’s addiction. Yes, it was in a way liberating when I realized that I couldn’t choose for him whether he lived or died, but that’s not all I felt. To accept powerlessness can be a relief, but it’s scary as hell. I don’t think parents’ desire/need to protect our kids ever fully ends. So even as it freed me in one way, it devastated me in another. My parents are in their 80s and still anguish when my brother, sister, and I struggle. Being a parent can suck, but I’d never give it up for anything.