Beautiful Boy: A Heartbreaking Memoir of a Father's Struggle with His Son's Addiction and the Journey to Recovery

by David Sheff

I am beside myself—uncomprehending, terrified. Nothing in my life has prepared me for the incapacitating worry when I don’t know where he is. I imagine Nic on the streets of San Francisco, like a wild animal, wounded and desperate. Like some off-the-deep-end anesthesiologist presiding over his own brain surgery, Nic trying to manage the flow of drugs in order to achieve a high, which rapidly and necessarily becomes less about euphoria and more about avoiding the hell of withdrawal.

It’s easy to forget that no matter how hard it is for us, it is harder for him.

When we tell others about our struggles, we find tremendous relief. We find comfort. We get help. We are reminded that life is hard for everyone. All of us are united by our suffering and by the support we give each other.

Nic and I have speculated on how his life might have been different if he’d undergone psychological testing when he was younger. What if his illnesses had been diagnosed and treated then? Would he have become addicted? Even if he had, would his drug use have been as extreme? Would he have been as treatment-resistant? Would he have continued to relapse? There’s no way to know, but we both believe that diagnosis as a child or as an early teen would have spared him some or most of the torments he’s since endured. When I researched addiction, I found evidence that many people use drugs to self-medicate for psychological problems. It makes sense that someone with untreated depression and bipolar disorder would use drugs. When Nic felt depressed, getting high was not just the easiest remedy; it was the only one. When his anxiety felt unbearable, he used drugs to ease the angst and pain. When he suffered the terrible highs and lows of bipolar disorder, he used drugs to feel sane. Since he’s been in consistent treatment for his psychological disorders, he’s stayed sober.