The Time Machine Did It

by John Swartzwelder

Now, I'm not the most observant of men, which is unfortunate, because I'm a private eye.

The thing about fascinating seemingly insolvable crimes is that they don't pay any better than crimes you can understand.

On another wall was a sign that said "DO IT TOMORROW". I got it cheap because it's bad advice.

I usually come out ahead in all-you-can-eat places. They underestimate how much I can eat.

It's a sad commentary on something. Money money money, when will we ever learn?

He had started out stealing things from people's garbage cans and then hiding them in the dump. He stopped doing it when the city started paying him for it.

“Wait a minute,” I said. “This is Whistler's Mother!” “Used to be, maybe. It's my mother now.”

It’s said that the first person who raises a hand in violence is the person who’s run out of ideas. That’s usually me. I run out of ideas fast. Violence I’ve got plenty of.

“I said get outta here. Or I'll bite your brains out.” Well I didn't want that to happen, that would be awful, so I left.

That's what's wrong with America today, I guess. Something like that. I know something's wrong with America. Maybe that's it.

What it comes down to is the only way I know how to make a living in the detective business is to be tenacious, tough, and something else that begins with T. The three T's.

If this story was true, it was alarming. I asked if it was true. They said it was. This was alarming.

The next morning a knocking woke me up. It was somebody knocking my head against a pipe.

I was sleeping like a baby – waking up every three hours screaming and crapping my pants.

Tough and stupid is a hard combination to beat, say the experts.

She held me close and whispered in my ear how wonderful I was. Since I'm not wonderful, I was pretty sure this was a trap.

I suppose some people would have found it charming to suddenly find themselves in an earlier, simpler time, where everyone was friendly and stupid, but I didn't. Try getting your mail in a situation like that. It can’t be done.

It has always amazed me how angry people can get at my stupidity. How do they think I feel? They only have to be around me a couple of hours at a time. I've got me all day.

Lying like this works pretty well, I’ve always found. Because it allows you to tell a prospective employer things you could never tell him if you were being truthful.

Mandible seemed like about the least sentimental guy I’d ever met, and I’ve met some people who have been dead for a week.

That meant all I needed now was a trick to pull. Some kind of great trick. I thought for a minute, then pulled out my gun and marched into the police station.