Mockingbird

by Kathryn Erskine

Not since The Day Our Life Fell Apart and Dad slammed Devon’s door shut and put his head against it and cried and said, No no no no no.

Mrs. Brook my counselor. Miss Harper the principal.

Mrs. Johnson is my teacher.

Mrs. Brook says you can talk with her anytime because her door is always open, I tell Mrs. Johnson. Actually it’s almost always closed. But if you knock then she remembers to open it.

She is so literal. What other things does she do or say that shows she misunderstands figurative speech.

sucking my sleeve

How does Caitlin cope with difficult situations?

I don’t know. I have never had her candy before so I don’t know if I’ll like it.

hide behind Dad.

I push my head under Dad’s sweater

Mrs. Brook says people have a hard time understanding me because I have Asperger’s so I have to try extra hard to understand them and that means working on emotions.

At the funeral a lot of grown-ups cried but I don’t know why. Most of them had never even met Devon.

Why did they cry?

I think about what is comfortable. Being completely covered by my purple fleece blanket under my bed or putting my head under the sofa cushion or reading my Dictionary.

I want him around in the same way. The way he was before. When he makes me popcorn and hot chocolate. And he tells me what to say and what clothes to wear and how not to be weird so kids won’t laugh at me. And he plays basketball with me. He always gives me a chance to win by tripping or moving slowly or going the wrong way when I do a fake. I can tell when he’s doing something on purpose by looking at his mouth. His lips move a certain way when he’s thinking. When he’s being sneaky his lips move a different way. But when he’s being sneaky he’s doing it to be nice to me. That’s the Devon I want.

Who was Devon to Caitlin?

Tantrum Rage Meltdown

I want Red Dog

there are one hundred and fifty-three stuffed animals including key chains and McDonald’s Happy Meal toys but the one I want is Red Dog

Dad always says when the bathroom door is closed you don’t open it and when a desk drawer is closed you don’t open it and when an envelope is closed you don’t open it unless it has your name on it.

Nasko story about "You've not been invited."

And I keep my applesauce and Pop-Tart totally separate because I don’t like food mixing together or colors running into each other.

Do you have any weird habits?

I HATE RECESS EVEN THOUGH Devon says it’s supposed to be my favorite subject and there is no recess once you get to middle school so enjoy it now.

Why does she hate recess more than other subjects?

Dad says it’s because Josh’s cousin was one of the school shooters at Devon’s school.

Learn about shooting.

Devon says you can’t moan or scream or shake your hands up and down or rock or get under a table or spin around over and over in public.

Coping

blur colors and shapes so they change into fuzzy and warm instead of sharp and cold. I call it stuffed-animaling.

Coping

Josh has a big grinny smile on his face. You shouldn’t smile when you do something bad because a smile is supposed to mean you’re being nice. I wish people would follow the Facial Expressions Chart like they’re supposed to.

What’s great about books is that the stuff inside doesn’t change. People say you can’t judge a book by its cover but that’s not true because it says right on the cover what’s inside. And no matter how many times you read that book the words and pictures don’t change. You can open and close books a million times and they stay the same. They look the same. They say the same words. The charts and pictures are the same colors. Books are not like people. Books are safe.

Devon says sometimes you just have to do what a teacher or librarian says even if you think it’s stupid.

How does Devon live on in Caitlin?

That’s a secret that stays in your head only.

On the way home Dad stops at CVS and buys me a whole bag of gummy worms. Why? I ask. Aren’t these your favorite? Yes but I don’t have ten stickers in a row yet on YOUR MANNERS chart. Mrs. Brook says you’re doing an excellent job at school considering . . . everything. She’s right! I make a smiley face with my mouth. I deserve these gummy worms because I do spend all my time considering everything. I just don’t always Get It.

What was the miscommunication here?

I also learn that you should exercise right like Devon who plays soccer and baseball and runs almost every day. You should eat good foods like Devon who doesn’t eat nearly as much candy as me. You shouldn’t smoke because it can hurt your Heart and it smells so bad it makes you want to throw up. Devon never throws up but even he says that.

What does Caitlin's grief look like?

What I can’t find is how long you can make a Heart work once it is shot and can other body organs take over for it and can a hospital keep you alive without it and are you the same person without it and are you a person at all?

Why study heart?

I want you to be part of a group. I stare at her hands. Do you understand? Yes. I understand what she wants but I also know what I want.

What skill does Caitlin lack here?

Or any of those words that mean their loudness fills up my ears and hurts and their face and waving arms invade my Personal Space and their constant talking sucks all the air out of the room until I think I’m going to choke.

Overwhelming to Caitlin. What is overwhelming to you?

I don’t like the word soon because you don’t know when it’s going to sneak up on you and turn into NOW.

Our mother died two years before we watched Bambi so he should’ve known that mothers die and that they don’t ever come back again no matter how much you cry or call for them. Especially if they’re shot dead.

it’s giving me a recess feeling in my stomach

What does Caitlin mean?

She Looks At The Person and she opens her eyes wide and she speaks slowly. We’re going to act like we’re interested. Okay?

What is Mrs. Brooks thinking?

She has put an X over the H in Heart and written a lowercase h. It doesn’t look right that way. I’m sure she’s wrong about the special words and capital letters even though she’s a teacher. How can any word be more special than Heart?

What important words would you capitalize?

Dad was yelling and kicking the furniture and the walls and he started pounding the chest with his fists and shouting, Why? Why? WHY? and he threw the woodworking books and Scout manual into Devon’s room and slammed the door and said, No no no no no, until I screamed at him to STOP IT! STOP IT! STOP IT! Then he put the sheet over the chest and now he never even looks in that corner.

How does Dad grieve?

Roberta Schneider and young students Julieanne Morris and Devon Smith.

What is CLOsure?

What is it?

I look up CLOsure and it says: the state of experiencing an emotional conclusion to a difficult life event such as the death of loved one. I do not know how to get to the state of experiencing an emotional conclusion so I ask Mrs. Robbins, How do I get to the state of experiencing an emotional conclusion to a difficult life event?

How do I get to the state of experiencing an emotional conclusion to a difficult life event?

I start shaking my hands because the world is spinning and if I shake my hands faster than the rest of the world then the world’s spinning doesn’t seem so fast.

I thought I was the one who was special and everyone else was normal.

What is normal?

He shrugs. I don’t know. He seems extra happy. You’re lucky. My dad’s sad all the time. Michael shakes his head. I don’t feel lucky. I feel bad because I’m not happy all the time like he is. Like I’m supposed to be. He always wants to do something like throw a football or play Frisbee or go bowling and sometimes I just don’t want to do that stuff because I’m sad.

How is he grieving?

My hidey-hole.

It’s Devon’s name for me which is Scout. It’s from To Kill a Mockingbird because he loves that movie. It has two kids in it: Jem and Scout. They are a brother and a sister and there is a father too and a lady I used to think was the mother who is always in the kitchen except when she leaves every night to go take care of her other children. I thought maybe that’s where my mother went. To take care of her other children.

I like things in black and white. Black and white is easier to understand. All that color is too confusing.

What does this tell us about Caitlin?

This year he read it in English and he said the title makes perfect sense and this is what it means: It’s wrong to shoot someone who is innocent and was never going to hurt you in the first place.

You shouldn’t hurt innocent people Scout.

You can share so much with friends, she says in her Nice Voice. Like gummy worms? I feel in my pocket and I have three worms. I was thinking more like feelings. Oh. I don’t have any of those.

Is it awkward to share your feelings with your friends? How can you do it in a less awkward way?

But if you put yourself in their shoes you can feel what they’re feeling. I look at their shoes. It’s an expression, she says. What we’re working on Caitlin is empathy. Is that like emotion? Sort of. No thank you. I’m not good with emotion. All you need to do is imagine how other people are feeling. Why? Then you know how to communicate with them.

Why is empathy important?