Getting More: How You Can Negotiate to Succeed in Work and Life

by Stuart Diamond

BEING INCREMENTAL Most of the negotiations in this chapter, and in this book, are incremental: not asking for everything at once. This is one of the hardest things for people to learn. Other parties usually don’t want to risk a big change. In every negotiation, think of ways to divide the process into steps. It doesn’t necessarily take longer, because the alternative is often no deal at all.

THEIR SENSIBILITIES It is important to focus on the signals a prospective employer sends. For example, a company scheduled Laura Beech for an interview in New York at the same time that she had been assigned a school presentation. Instead of suffering a bad grade, Laura presented the problem to the employer. The first scheduling person refused to help her. But Laura’s interview contact at the firm agreed.

10 Getting More in the Marketplace

STANDARDS AND FRAMING Let’s start with standards. This is the most common tool used in buying and selling things. The reason is that much (not all) of negotiation in the marketplace has traditionally been about prices and policies. Standards is not the only thing you will need. But you must master this tool to do well. This includes being able to frame the situation to fit into an acceptable standard for the other person.

One key thing about this negotiation, as I mentioned in the standards chapter, is that you must never make yourself the issue. Just because the other side is a jerk doesn’t mean you should be a jerk. Also, the problem wasn’t Nicole’s fault. Why blame her for it? And note that Ken raised his points by asking questions.

Applying standards in a negotiation also means asking for exceptions to standards.

whenever you ask for an exception, don’t ask in front of a lot

of people. It just drives up the cost for the other side, and makes it harder for them to say yes. (This is the opposite of what you would do if you want them to meet their standards. In such an instance, you want as many people around as possible, to expose their unfairness and inconsistency.)

A big part of standards is framing: asking the other person a question in which...

This is a big issue: companies often offer new customers better terms than existing customers. As a customer, you should key on the relationship.

By not making yourself the issue, you can ask companies hard questions about their service standards. But remember, ask: questions are more powerful than statements.

Alexandre, a consultant in Philadelphia, did something else that was key. He found the right person to negotiate with. Alexandre was looking for a friendly voice. When dealing with large companies, their size can work in your favor. If a customer rep treats you badly, call back until you find a friendly one.

If you make friends with the other party, they will look for ways to help you meet your goals.

Consumers usually know a lot less than the seller does about the goods or services being offered. Don’t be afraid to ask the other party what they have done for others in the past. They will tell you enough of the time that you will profit greatly.

Anyone who buys almost anything without asking about discounts will waste money. Even billionaires say they ask for discounts. You should too. Be creative on the Internet.

As with other negotiations, the more you walk people through the details of their proposal, the more

you wil...

Keep asking questions until you find the real decision-maker: the person who can meet your goals.

Documentation is key to using standards in negotiation—either in writing or in descriptive detail. Ask for copies of things they claim; provide copies demonstrating proof of your request.

PERSONAL CONNECTIONS In conjunction with standards, make as many personal connections as you can. Buyers will pay you more; sellers will take less. The personal connection is a kind of psychic payment that substitutes for money in a world in which aggravation seems rampant.

Pick a few places where you like to shop, eat, and otherwise frequent. Then get to know as many people there as you can. It doesn’t take much time to strike up conversations. In my experience, store personnel will be glad to go the extra distance for you if they know you.

sharing information and making a personal connection are negotiation tools he uses daily.

How do you make a connection with the other person? By asking questions and looking for signals.

“In-person negotiations make a difference,” Stephanie said. “The connection was essential. Attitude is important, too.”

It should be evident by now that a combination of tools is often better—and necessary—than relying on one tool alone. Using personal connections as well as standards gives the other party a specific reason to say yes, after they feel good about you.

TRADING AND LINKAGES Rebecca did at least three other things of importance in negotiating with Sandy. She traded information, providing career advice. She linked this negotiation with many others. In other words, Rebecca provided things of value back to Sandy—both implicitly and

explicitly. We saw earlier the power of this tool: using intangibles; linking your negotiation to other needs and interests not necessarily part of the deal. This expands the pie and makes it more likely that the parties can reach an agreement. It’s especially true when there is a disparity over money. Here are some ways this can be applied in the marketplace. Every time you buy something, make it a larger deal than just the transaction at hand. A repeat customer is a volume customer. You are buying multiple things at different times. Frame it as such.

Even when you buy just two big items, you should ask for a volume discount.

Companies will give you discounts in return for longer-term contracts. Pursue this routinely.

You have to try to figure out the pictures in the other person’s head in order to create a vision of the longer-term benefits to the other person.

In business, people usually care as much or more about job security and career success as they do about raises or bonuses.

PERCEPTIONS AND RISK If you can reduce the other party’s perceived risk, you will usually get a better deal.

Anytime you confront perception of risk in negotiations, you should immediately think, “Be incremental.” By being more incremental, you lower the perceived risk. This means splitting sales into trial periods, and setting up tests and trials.

Whatever standards you get, it is still about the people first. Make the connection, and try to make the negotiation broader. If you don’t feel comfortable with the salesperson, don’t buy from that person. Ask for someone else. Anytime someone tries to sell you an add-on, ask for its wholesale price, and then check.

11 Relationships

The way to repair most relationships, before things fester, is to be more direct, offer the other person emotional payments, ask more questions, listen first, and consider the feelings and sensibilities of the other person.

My advice in business relationships is to document everything. It sounds paranoid. But I have seen too many instances where people put their careers and their family’s security at risk in a business relationship only to fall victim to politics or someone else’s personal gain. Keep notes of important meetings, what you did, what they did and said. Think of it as an investment in your future security. Take five or ten minutes every day to write down what you did to add value to the company. Record the details of anything someone did that concerns you.

USING EMOTIONAL PAYMENTS IN RELATIONSHIPS The strongest basis for a relationship is an attraction based on feelings. This includes personal chemistry, trust, mutual needs, social bonds, shared experiences, and common enemies. The stronger these qualities, the more of a commitment that people make to each other.

The strongest way to establish bonds in a relationship is emotional payments. Without them, no relationship can survive. An emotional payment is something that makes the other party feel better: empathy, an apology, a concession. It can include all sorts of intangible things, such as respect, face-saving, a statement of the other person’s value. An emotional payment is almost always something that provides a solution to an irrational need. It is part of everyday life. Virtually everyone gets nervous, upset, panicky, angry, depressed or sad, and disappointed at some point. We all second-guess ourselves. Your job in a relationship is to help the other person get past it. You may have to overcome their saying mean, hurtful things to you, which they say not because they mean it but because you are the only one around and they need to vent. If this is the case, you must stay

calm and give them what they need. Emotional payments must be specifically tailored to the individuals involved and can include silence as well as talking. And you MUST take their irrational words or mood at face value and start there. This is because people who need emotional payments are hardly listening. There is only a small window through which they hear things: messages that connect with their emotion. You have to be careful not to upset them further. One wrong word can close the window and hurt the relationship, because you are not providing for their emotional needs.

Valuing people also provides an emotional payment. There are many ways to value people. Too often, however, we lack the skill or inclination to figure out how the other person can be valued. You need to make the effort if you want to get more.

Emotional payments can also reduce the other person’s fears. Fear can paralyze people, making them unable to think clearly. A big part of negotiating in a successful relationship, and strengthening it, is to reduce your partner’s fears. To do that, you first have to know what their fears are.

Even if the other person’s fears seem ridiculous, they are very real to them. Walk them step-by-step from where their fears reside to a perception of

safety.

Resist the temptation to make fun of the other person’s perceptions. If you don’t take their fears and feelings seriously, they will be angry and resent you for it.

BEING INCREMENTAL IN RELATIONSHIPS An emotional payment is usually only the first in a series of steps you will have to take for others to move from their perceptions to your goals. Too many people try to get others to change all at once. As we have seen throughout Getting More, it’s usually too big a step. First, validate their feelings. Next, bring them step-by-step to where you want them to go.

COMMON ENEMIES IN RELATIONSHIPS Relationships aim to strengthen the bond between people. Emotional payments get people to listen to one another. Valuing the other party causes them to be positive in return. One of the fastest and most

powerful ways to bind people together in both new and existing relationships is by establishing common enemies.

TRADING THINGS OF UNEQUAL VALUE All successful relationships depend to a degree on quid pro quo. People do things for one another. Relationships almost always dissolve when one person forces his or her will on another. Trading items of unequal value is one way to solve potential relationship disputes on a daily basis.

So many relationship issues have simple solutions if the people involved look for things to trade.