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But my throat kept on making the sound while T. P. was pulling me. It kept on making it and I couldn’t tell if I was crying or not, and T. P. fell down on top of me, laughing, and it kept on making the sound and Quentin kicked T. P. and Caddy put her arms around me, and her shining veil, and I couldn’t smell trees anymore and I began to cry.
Benjy, Caddy said, Benjy. She put her arms around me again, but I went away. “What is it, Benjy.” she said. “Is it this hat.” She took her hat off and came again, and I went away.
said. “You think you’re grown up, dont you. You think you’re better than anybody else, dont you. Prissy.” “You shut your mouth.” Caddy said. “You dirty little beast. Benjy.” “Just because you are fourteen, you think you’re grown up, dont you.” Jason said. “You think you’re something. Dont you.” “Hush, Benjy.” Caddy said. “You’ll disturb Mother. Hush.” But I didn’t hush, and when she went away I followed, and she stopped on the stairs and waited and I stopped too. “What is it, Benjy.” Caddy said. “Tell Caddy. She’ll do it. Try.” “Candace.” Mother said. “Yessum.” Caddy said. “Why are you teasing
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“Of course I dont.” Father said. “I admire Maury. He is invaluable to my own sense of racial superiority. I wouldn’t swap Maury for a matched team. And do you know why, Quentin.” “No, sir.” Quentin said. “Et ego in arcadia I have forgotten the latin for hay.” Father said. “There, there.” he said. “I was just joking.” He drank and set the glass down and went and put his hand on Mother’s shoulder.
“Benjy.” Caddy said. “It’s just Charlie. Dont you know Charlie.” “Where’s his nigger.” Charlie said. “What do they let him run around loose for.” “Hush, Benjy.” Caddy said. “Go away, Charlie. He doesn’t like you.” Charlie went away and I hushed. I pulled at Caddy’s dress.
“He cant tell what you saying.” Luster said. “He deef and dumb.” “Is.” he said. “How long’s he been that way.” “Been that way thirty three years today.” Luster said. “Born looney. Is you one of them show folks.” “Why.” he said, “I dont ricklick seeing you around here before.” Luster said. “Well, what about it.” he said.
Of course not, Jason said. Dont you know I’ve got better sense than to do that. Do you think I wanted anything like this to happen. This family is bad enough, God knows. I could have told you, all the time. I reckon you’ll send him to Jackson, now. If Mr Burgess dont shoot him first.
“That white man hard to get along with.” Luster said. “You see him take my ball.” They went on. We went on along the fence. We came to the garden and we couldn’t go any further. I held to the fence and looked through the flower spaces. They went away.
“What you done to him now.” she said. “Aint done nothing to him.” Luster said. “He just started bellering.” “Yes you is.” Dilsey said. “You done something to him. Where you been.” “Over yonder under them cedars.” Luster said.
“Got as much time for him as I is.” Luster said. “He aint none of my uncle.” “Dont you sass me, nigger boy.” Dilsey said.
What you want to get her started for, Dilsey said. Whyn’t you keep him out of there. He was just looking at the fire, Caddy said. Mother was telling him his new name. We didn’t mean to get her started. I knows you didn’t, Dilsey said. Him at one end of the house and her at the other. You let my things alone, now. Dont you touch nothing till I get back.
“You going to do just what he want you to, nigger boy.” Dilsey said. “You hear me.” “Aint I always done it.” Luster said. “Dont I always does what he wants. Dont I, Benjy.”
“What is it now. Cant I even be sick in peace. Do I have to get up out of bed to come down to him, with two grown negroes to take care of him.”
“I know, I know.” Mother said. “It’s all my fault. I’ll be gone soon, and you and Jason will both get along better.” She began to cry.
I give it to you not that you may remember time, but that you might forget it now and then for a moment and not spend all your breath trying to conquer it. Because no battle is ever won he said. They are not even fought. The field only reveals to man his own folly and despair, and victory is an illusion of philosophers and fools.
Noted
It’s always the idle habits you acquire which you will regret. Father said that. That Christ was not crucified: he was worn away by a minute clicking of little wheels. That had no sister.
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In the South you are ashamed of being a virgin. Boys. Men. They lie about it. Because it means less to women, Father said. He said it was men invented virginity not women.
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It’s not when you realise that nothing can help you—religion, pride, anything—it’s when you realise that you dont need any aid.
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Father said it used to be a gentleman was known by his books; nowadays he is known by the ones he has not returned and locked the trunk and addressed it.
Because Father said clocks slay time. He said time is dead as long as it is being clicked off by little wheels; only when the clock stops does time come to life.
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I used to think that a Southerner had to be always conscious of niggers. I thought that Northerners would expect him to. When I first came East I kept thinking You’ve got to remember to think of them as colored people not niggers, and if it hadn’t happened that I wasn’t thrown with many of them, I’d have wasted a lot of time and trouble before I learned that the best way to take all people, black or white, is to take them for what they think they are, then leave them alone. That was when I realised that a nigger is not a person so much as a form of behavior; a sort of obverse reflection of the
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Noted
Ever since then I have believed that God is not only a gentleman and a sport; he is a Kentuckian too.
The shell was a speck now, the oars catching the sun in spaced glints, as if the hull were winking itself along him along. Did you ever have a sister? No but they’re all bitches. Did you ever have a sister? One minute she was. Bitches. Not bitch one minute she stood in the door Dalton Ames. Dalton Ames. Dalton Shirts.
will not have my daughter spied on by you or Quentin or anybody no matter what you think she has done At least you agree there is reason for having her watched I wouldn’t have I wouldn’t have. I know you wouldn’t I didn’t mean to speak so sharply but women have no respect for each other for themselves
He touched my arm, lightly, his hand that worn, gentle quality of niggers’ hands. “Listen. This aint for outside talking.
what have I done to have been given children like these Benjamin was punishment enough and now for her to have no more regard for me her own mother I’ve suffered for her dreamed and planned and sacrificed I went down into the valley yet never since she opened her eyes has she given me one unselfish thought at times I look at her I wonder if she can be my child
Father said a man is the sum of his misfortunes. One day you’d think misfortune would get tired, but then time is your misfortune Father said.
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We’re better than a play you must have made the Dramat well you’re right no need to tell them we’ll let bygones be bygones eh no reason why you and I should let a little thing like that come between us I like you Quentin I like your appearance you dont look like these other hicks I’m glad we’re going to hit it off like this I’ve promised your mother to do something for Jason but I would like to give you a hand too Jason would be just as well off here but there’s no future in a hole like this for a young fellow like you
And Father said it’s because you are a virgin: dont you see? Women are never virgins. Purity is a negative state and therefore contrary to nature. It’s nature is hurting you not Caddy and I said That’s just words and he said So is virginity and I said you dont know. You cant know and he said Yes. On the instant when we come to realise that tragedy is second-hand.
Noted
They all talked at once, their voices insistent and contradictory and impatient, making of unreality a possibility, then a probability, then an incontrovertible fact, as people will when their desires become words.
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Why must you marry somebody Caddy
Because women so delicate so mysterious Father said. Delicate equilibrium of periodical filth between two moons balanced. Moons he said full and yellow as harvest moons her hips thighs. Outside outside of them always but. Yellow. Feet soles with walking like. Then know that some man that all those mysterious and imperious concealed. With all that inside of them shapes an outward suavity waiting for a touch to. Liquid putrefaction like drowned things floating like pale rubber flabbily filled getting the odor of honeysuckle all mixed up.
What did you let him for kiss kiss I didn’t let him I made him watching me getting mad What do you think of that? Red print of my hand coming up through her face like turning a light on under your hand her eyes going bright It’s not for kissing I slapped you. Girl’s elbows at fifteen Father said you swallow like you had a fishbone in your throat what’s the matter with you and Caddy across the table not to look at me. It’s for letting it be some darn town squirt I slapped you you will will you now I guess you say calf rope. My red hand coming up out of her face. What do you think of that
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“Why didn’t you tell me you lived out this way, sister?” The loaf was wearing slowly out of the paper; already it needed a new one. “Well, come on then and show me the house.” not a dirty girl like Natalie. It was raining we could hear it on the roof, sighing through the high sweet emptiness of the barn. There? touching her Not there There? not raining hard but we couldn’t hear anything but the roof and if it was my blood or her blood She pushed me down the ladder and ran off and left me Caddy did Was it there it hurt you when Caddy did ran off was it there
We were dancing sitting down I bet Caddy cant dance sitting down Stop that stop that I was just brushing the trash off the back of your dress You keep your nasty old hands off of me it was your fault you pushed me down I’m mad at you
warmer than the rain it smelled awful. She had her back turned I went around in front of her. You know what I was doing? She turned her back I went around in front of her the rain creeping into the mud flatting her bodice through her dress it smelled horrible. I was hugging her that’s what I was doing. She turned her back I went around in front of her. I was hugging her I tell you. I dont give a damn what you were doing You dont you dont I’ll make you I’ll make you give a damn. She hit my hands away I smeared mud on her with the other hand I couldn’t feel the wet smacking of her hand I wiped
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“You damned fool,” Shreve said. “What the hell do you mean anyway, straggling off here, fooling with these damn wops?”
But still I couldn’t stop it and then I knew that if I tried too hard to stop it I’d be crying and I thought about how I’d thought about I could not be a virgin, with so many of them walking along in the shadows and whispering with their soft girlvoices lingering in the shadowy places and the words coming out and perfume and eyes you could feel not see, but if it was that simple to do it wouldn’t be anything and if it wasn’t anything, what was I and then
we did how can you not know it if youll just wait Ill tell you how it was it was a crime we did a terrible crime it cannot be hid you think it can but wait Poor Quentin youve never done that have you and Ill tell you how it was Ill tell Father then itll have to be because you love Father then well have to go away amid the pointing and the horror the clean flame Ill make you say we did Im stronger than you Ill make you know we did you thought it was them but it was me listen I fooled you all the time it was me you thought I was in the house where that damn honeysuckle trying not to think the
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did he make you then he made you do it let him he was stronger than you and he tomorrow Ill kill him I swear I will father neednt know until afterward and then you and I nobody need ever know we can take my school money we can cancel my matriculation Caddy you hate him dont you dont you she held my hand against her chest her heart thudding I turned and caught her arm Caddy you hate him dont you she moved my hand up against her throat her heart was hammering there poor Quentin
What happened here?
poor Quentin she leaned back on her arms her hands locked about her knees youve never done that have you what done what that what I have what I did yes yes lots of times with lots of girls then I was crying her hand touched me again and I was crying against her damp blouse then she lying on her back looking past my head into the sky I could see a rim of white under her irises I opened my knife
I held the point of the knife at her throat it wont take but a second just a second then I can do mine I can do mine then all right can you do yours by yourself yes the blades long enough Benjys in bed by now yes it wont take but a second Ill try not to hurt all right will you close your eyes no like this youll have to push it harder touch your hand to it but she didnt move her eyes were wide open looking past my head at the sky Caddy do you remember how Dilsey fussed at you because your drawers were muddy dont cry
Caddy do you love him now I dont know outside the gray light the shadows of things like dead things in stagnant water I wish you were dead do you you coming in now are you thinking about him now I dont know tell me what youre thinking about tell me stop stop Quentin
did you ever have a sister did you no but theyre all bitches I hit him my open hand beat the impulse to shut it to his face his hand moved as fast as mine the cigarette went over the rail I swung with the other hand he caught it too before the cigarette reached the water he held both my wrists in the same hand his other hand flicked to his armpit under his coat behind him the sun slanted and a bird singing somewhere beyond the sun we looked at one another while the bird singing he turned my hands loose
do you love him Caddy do I what she looked at me then everything emptied out of her eyes and they looked like the eyes in statues blank and unseeing and serene put your hand against my throat she took my hand and held it flat against her throat now say his name Dalton Ames I felt the first surge of blood there it surged in strong accelerating beats say it again her face looked off into the trees where the sun slanted and where the bird say it again Dalton Ames her blood surged steadily beating and beating against my hand
“Oh,” Spoade said, “the champion of dames. Bud, you excite not only admiration, but horror.” He looked at me, cold and quizzical. “Good God,” he said. “I’m sorry I hit him,” I said. “Do I look too bad to go back and get it over with?”
After they had gone up stairs Mother lay back in her chair, the camphor handkerchief to her mouth. Father hadn’t moved he still sat beside her holding her hand the bellowing hammering away like no place for it in silence
Mother
You know what I’d do if I were King? she never was a queen or a fairy she was always a king or a giant or a general I’d break that place open and drag them out and I’d whip them good It was torn out, jagged out.
Mother
Father was teaching us that all men are just accumulations dolls stuffed with sawdust swept up from the trash heaps where all previous dolls had been thrown away
Noted
you dont believe i am serious and he i think you are too serious to give me any cause for alarm you wouldnt have felt driven to the expedient of telling me you had committed incest otherwise and i i wasnt lying i wasnt lying and he you wanted to sublimate a piece of natural human folly into a horror and then exorcise it with truth and i it was to isolate her out of the loud world so that it would have to flee us of necessity and then the sound of it would be as though it had never been and he did you try to make her do it and i i was afraid to i was afraid she might and then it wouldnt have
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