The Whole-Brain Child: 12 Revolutionary Strategies to Nurture Your Child's Developing Mind

by Daniel J. Siegel

Connect and Redirect:

his logical left brain was nowhere to be found at that moment. So, had Tina responded with her left, her son would have felt like she didn’t understand him or care about his feelings.

She pulled him close, rubbed his back, and with a nurturing tone of voice, said, “Sometimes it’s just really hard, isn’t it? I would never forget about you. You are always in my mind, and I always want you to know how special you are to me.”

when a child is upset, logic often won’t work until we have responded to the right brain’s emotional needs.

It’s also crucial to keep in mind that no matter how nonsensical and frustrating our child’s feelings may seem to us, they are real and important to our child. It’s vital that we treat them as such in our response.

Name It to Tame It: Telling Stories

The drive to understand why things happen to us is so strong that the brain will continue to try making sense of an experience until it succeeds. As parents, we can help this process along through storytelling.

in his mind it really is a crisis)

But for the most part, kids just don’t have the biological skill set to do so all the time. Sometimes they can use their upstairs brain, and sometimes they can’t. Just knowing this and adjusting our expectations can help us see that our kids are often doing the best they can with the brain they have.

I started with an observation: “You look like you feel angry. Is that right?”

One of the best ways to foster self-understanding in your children is to ask questions that help them look beyond the surface of what they understand: Why do you think you made that choice? What made you feel that way? Why do you think you didn’t do well on your test—was it because you were hurrying, or is this just really difficult material?

At a restaurant: “Why do you think that baby is crying?” While you’re reading together: “How do you think Melinda is feeling now that her friend moved away?” Leaving the store: “That woman wasn’t very nice to us, was she? Do you think something might have happened to her that made her feel sad today?”

Another way to exercise this part of the brain is to offer hypothetical situations, which kids often love: Would it be OK to run a red light if there was an emergency? If a bully was picking on someone at school and there were no adults around, what would you do?

when our kids seem to be reacting in unusually unreasonable ways, we need to consider whether an implicit memory has created a mental model that we need to help them explore.

Did you know that your brain remembers things even when you don’t know you’re remembering?

“Tell me two things that really happened today, and one thing that didn’t. Then I’ll guess which two are true.”

“I’m not dumb; I just feel dumb right now.”

Kids can learn to pay attention to the thoughts running through their heads, and understand that they don’t have to believe every one of them. They can even argue with the ideas that aren’t helpful or healthy—or even true.

The next time you have a few minutes in the car with your kids, play the SIFT game, asking questions that aid the SIFTing process.

I’ll mention something about what the sensations of my body are telling me. I’m hungry. What about you? What’s your body saying?

What about images? What pictures are going through your mind? I’m remembering that hilarious scene from your school play, and you in that funny hat.

Now feelings. I’m really feeling excited about Grandma and Grandpa coming tomorrow.

I just thought about how we need milk. We’ll need to stop before we get home. What about you?

I’m going to be quiet again for a few seconds. During that time, stay focused on your breath. Other thoughts will come into your mind, and you’ll probably even think about the recital. That’s fine. When you notice that your mind is wandering and you’re thinking about something else or starting to worry, just go back to focusing on your breath.

Often, in moments of reactivity, nonverbals (like hugs and empathetic facial expressions) will be much more powerful.

Whole-Brain Strategy #11: Increase the Family Fun Factor: Making a Point to Enjoy Each Other

Let someone begin a story, then after one sentence, the next person has to add to it, followed by the next person, and so on.

Whole-Brain Strategy #12: Connection Through Conflict: Teach Kids to Argue with a “We” in Mind

Instead of saying, We don’t act that way, ask, What’s another way you could handle that? Instead of I don’t like the way you’re talking, try, Can you think of another way to say that, one that will be more polite?

Read together and ask your child to predict how the story will end.

There’s nothing wrong with saying, “I’m scared.” But help him understand that another way to say it is, “I feel scared.” This minor shift in vocabulary can help him understand the subtle but important distinction between “feel” and “am.”