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March 4 - March 8, 2019
The point is that the physical architecture of the brain changes according to where we direct our attention and what we practice doing.
By becoming aware that he was stuck on one part of the rim of his wheel, and realizing that he had other options regarding where he directed his concentration, Jason learned to shift his focus and therefore his mental state.
It’s very exciting to understand (and to teach our kids) that we can use our minds to take control of our lives.
Their downstairs brain and implicit memories will control them less, and their mindsight will help them live full and healthy lives from an integrated brain.
Take time to ask kids how they feel, and help them be specific, so they can go from vague emotional descriptors like “fine” and “bad” to more precise ones, like “disappointed,” “anxious,” “jealous,” and “excited.” One reason kids often don’t express the complexity of a particular emotion is that they haven’t yet learned to think about their feelings in a sophisticated way that recognizes the variety and richness within them.
In other words, what happens between brains has a great deal to do with what happens within each individual brain.
Even more, studies of happiness and wisdom reveal that a key factor in well-being is devoting one’s attention and passions to the benefit of others instead of just focusing on the individual, separate concerns of a private self. The “me” discovers meaning and happiness by joining and belonging to a “we.”
In other words, mirror neurons may allow us not only to imitate others’ behaviors, but actually to resonate with their feelings. We sense not only what action is coming next, but also the emotion that underlies the behavior. For this reason, we could also call these special neural cells “sponge neurons” in that we soak up like a sponge what we see in the behaviors, intentions, and emotions of someone else. We don’t just “mirror back” to someone else, but we “sponge in” their internal states.
have you noticed that when you’re nervous or stressed out, your kids will often be that way, too? Scientists call this “emotional contagion.” The internal states of others—from joy and playfulness to sadness and fear—directly affect our own state of mind. We soak other people into our own inner world.
After a powerful conversation or time spent with an important person in our life, we have a different brain. Since none of us is working from a single-skull mind, our whole mental life results from our inner neural world and the external signals we receive from others. Each of us is meant to join our individual “me” with others to become a part of “we.”
We learn early in life to use our connections with reliable others to soothe our internal distress. This is the basis of secure attachment. But if we aren’t given such nurturing, our brain will need to adapt and do the best it can. Children can learn to “go it alone” in an effort to soothe themselves as best they can. The relational, emotional circuitry of this child’s brain, which needs closeness and connection that are not being offered to her, may completely shut down as a way of adapting. This is how the social brain shuts down its
innate drive for connection just to survive. However, if her parents can learn to show her consistent, predictable love and attunement, she will develop mindsight and live up to the relational potential her brain has been wired for.
When relationships are cold and people are essentially distant, critical, or competitive, that influences what the child expects relationships to feel like. On the other hand, if the child experiences relationships full of nurturing warmth, connection, and protection, then that will become the model for future relationships—with friends, with other members of various communities, and eventually with romantic partners and their own children.
If we want to prepare kids to participate as healthy individuals in a relationship, we need to create within them an open, receptive state, instead of a closed, reactive one.
When our entire focus is on self-defense, no matter what we do, we stay in that reactive, “no” state of mind. We become guarded, unable to join with someone else—by listening well, by giving them the benefit of the doubt, by considering their feelings, and so on. Even neutral comments can transform into fighting words, distorting what we hear to fit what we fear. This is how we enter a reactive state and prepare to fight, to flee, or even to freeze.
Any healthy relationship—whether it’s family, friendship, romantic, or otherwise—is made up of healthy individuals in connection with others. To become a part of a well-functioning “we,” a person needs also to remain an individual “me.”
Play games. Tell jokes. Be silly. Take an interest in what they care about. The more they enjoy the time they spend with you and the rest of the family, the more they’ll value relationships and desire more positive and healthy relational experiences in the future.
With every fun, enjoyable experience you give your children while they are with the family, you provide them with positive reinforcement about what it means to be in loving relationship with others.
Dopamine is a neurotransmitter, which means that it enables communication between brain cells. Your brain cells receive what some people call “dopamine squirts” when something pleasurable happens to you, and it motivates you to want to do it again. Scientists who study addiction point to these dopamine surges as factors that lead ...
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Recent studies have found that the best predictor for good sibling relationships later in life is how much fun the kids have together when they’re young.
First you’d want to demonstrate an awareness of your daughter’s feelings. (Remember, connect first, then redirect.) This will decrease your daughter’s defensiveness and prepare her to see how her brother feels. Then you could aim for the goal of creating some empathy in your daughter.
Too often we forget that “discipline” really means “to teach”—not “to punish.” A disciple is a student, not a recipient of behavioral consequences.
It’s not how our parents raised us, or how many parenting books we’ve read. It’s actually how well we’ve made sense of our experiences with our own parents and how sensitive we are to our children that most powerfully influence our relationship with our kids, and therefore how well they thrive.
By making sense of your past you can free yourself from what might otherwise be a cross-generational legacy of pain and insecure attachment, and instead create an inheritance of nurturance and love for your children.
When you’ve become the active author of your life story and not merely the passive scribe of history as it unfolds, you can create a life that you love.
Instead, your job is to be present with your children and connect with them through the ups and downs of life’s journey.
