The Whole-Brain Child: 12 Revolutionary Strategies to Nurture Your Child's Developing Mind

by Daniel J. Siegel

If we can communicate to our children how fleeting most feelings are, then we can help them develop the mindsight on display in the boy we mentioned earlier who corrected himself and said, “I’m not dumb; I just feel dumb right now.”

By paying attention to their physical sensations, for example, children can become much more aware of what’s going on inside their bodies.

When a child becomes aware of the images that are active in his mind, he can use his mindsight to take control of those images and greatly diminish the power they have over him.

Then as they get older you can increasingly introduce them to more subtleties of emotion. I’m sorry your ski trip got canceled. If that happened to me, I’d be feeling all kinds of things: mad, disappointed, hurt, let down. What else?

By teaching our children to SIFT through the activity of their mind, we can help them recognize the different rim points at work within them, and help them gain more insight and control in their lives.

our bodily sensations shape our emotion and our emotion shapes our thinking, as well as the images in our mind.

When you notice that your mind is wandering and you’re thinking about something else or starting to worry, just go back to focusing on your breath. Follow that wave of the in-breath and the out-breath.

But happiness and fulfillment result from being connected to others while still maintaining a unique identity.

Insight + Empathy = Mindsight

For example, if someone simply waves her hand in the air randomly, your mirror neurons won’t respond. But if that person carries out an act you can predict from experience, like taking a drink from a cup of water, your mirror neurons will “figure out” what’s intended before the person does it. So when she lifts up her hand with a cup in it, you can predict at a synaptic level that she intends to drink from it. Not only that, the mirror neurons in your own upstairs brain will get you ready to drink as well. We see an act, we understand the purpose of the act, and we ready ourselves to mirror it.

In other words, how well they’ll be able to use their mindsight to participate in a “we” and join with others down the road is based on the quality of their attachment relationships with their caregivers—including parents and grandparents, but also significant babysitters, teachers, peers, and other influential people in their lives.

soothe themselves as best they can. The relational, emotional circuitry of this child’s brain, which needs closeness and connection that are not being offered to her, may completely shut down as a way of adapting.

We can impact the future of the world by caring well for our children and by being intentional in giving them the kinds of relationships that we value and that we want them to see as normal.

Wait until this reactive state passes; then, when she’s more receptive, talk to her about how you’d like to see her respond the next time she’s disappointed.

he didn’t get accepted into the art program he’d set his heart on, you may need to hold off on word-heavy pronouncements of hope and alternatives. The downstairs state of reactivity doesn’t know what to do with a lot of upstairs words. Often, in moments of reactivity, nonverbals (like hugs and empathetic facial expressions) will be much more powerful.

Any healthy relationship—whether it’s family, friendship, romantic, or otherwise—is made up of healthy individuals in connection with others. To become a part of a well-functioning “we,” a person needs also to remain an individual “me.”

Another fun family activity that also teaches receptivity is to play improv games together.

Let someone begin a story, then after one sentence, the next person has to add to it, followed by the next person, and so on. Games and activities like these not only keep the family fun factor high, but also give kids practice at being receptive to the unexpected turns life presents them.

So if you want to develop close long-term relationships between your kids, think of it as a math equation, where the amount of enjoyment they share together should be greater than the conflict they experience.

Some sibling fun will occur naturally, but you can help it along, too. Break out a new box of sidewalk chalk and have them create a crazy new monster together. Let them use the video camera to make a movie. Have them team up together for a surprise project to give to a grandparent. However you do it—family bike rides, board games, making cookies, teaming up against Mom with the water guns, whatever—find ways to help your kids have fun together and strengthen the bonds that connect them.

It can be difficult for any of us to see things from someone else’s perspective. We see what we see, and often only what we want to see. But the more we can use our mindsight to view events through the eyes of another, the better chance we have of resolving conflict in a healthy manner.