The Whole-Brain Child: 12 Revolutionary Strategies to Nurture Your Child's Developing Mind

by Daniel J. Siegel

Genes, of course, play a large role in how people turn out, especially in terms of temperament. But findings from various areas in developmental psychology suggest that everything that happens to us—the music we hear, the people we love, the books we read, the kind of discipline we receive, the emotions we feel—profoundly affects the way our brain develops. In other words, on top of our basic brain architecture and our inborn temperament, parents have much they can do to provide the kinds of experiences that will help develop a resilient, well-integrated brain.

Everything that happens to us affects the way the brain develops.

The rate of brain maturation is largely influenced by the genes we inherit.

But the degree of integration may be exactly what we can influence in our day-to-day parenting.

The good news is that by using everyday moments, you can influence how well your child’s brai...

If you see chaos and/or rigidity, you know she’s not in a state of integration. Likewise, when she is in a state of integration, she demonstrates the qualities we associate with someone who is mentally and emotionally healthy: she is flexible, adaptive, stable, and able to understand herself and the world around

Your left brain loves and desires order. It is logical, literal, linguistic (it likes words), and linear (it puts things in a sequence or order). The left brain loves that all four of these words begin with the letter L. (It also loves lists.)

The right brain, on the other hand, is holistic and nonverbal, sending and receiving signals that allow us to communicate, such as facial expressions, eye contact, tone of voice, posture, and gestures.

In terms of development, very young children are right-hemisphere dominant, especially during their first three years.

Logic, responsibilities, and time don’t exist for them yet.

But when a toddler begins asking “Why?” all the time, you know that the left brain is beginning to really kick in.

horizontally integrated,

two sides of their brain can act in harmony.

will value both their logic and th...

well balanced and able to understand themselves and t...

we want them to face their troubles and grow from them.

Connect and Redirect:

when

a child is upset, logic often won’t work until we have responded to the right brain’s emotional needs.

It’s also crucial to keep in mind that no matter how nonsensical and frustrating our child’s feelings may seem to us, they are real and important to our child. It’s vital that we treat them as such in our response.

we as parents can help bring the left hemisphere into the picture so that the child can begin to understand what’s happening.

One of the best ways to promote this type of integration is to help retell the story of the frightening or painful experience.

Children are much more apt to share and talk while building something, playing cards, or riding in the car than when you sit down and look them right in the face and ask them to open up.

To tell a story that makes sense, the left brain must put things in order, using words and logic. The right brain contributes the bodily sensations, raw emotions, and personal memories, so we can see the whole picture and communicate our experience. This is the scientific explanation behind why journaling and talking about a difficult event can be so powerful in helping us heal. In fact, research shows that merely assigning a name or label to what we feel literally calms down the activity of the emotional circuitry in the right hemisphere.

small children like Katie are typically right-hemisphere dominant and haven’t mastered their ability to use logic and words to express feelings.

We want them to pause before acting, to consider consequences, to think about the feelings of others, to make ethical and moral judgments.

The downstairs brain

more primitive because they are responsible for basic functions (like breathing and blinking), for innate reactions and impulses (like fight and flight), and for strong emotions (like anger and fear).

The amygdala’s job is to quickly process and express emotions, especially anger and fear.

That’s what allows us to act before we think.

soothe him and help him shift his attention.

A parent who recognizes an upstairs tantrum is left with one clear response: never negotiate with a terrorist. An upstairs tantrum calls for firm boundaries and a clear discussion about appropriate and inappropriate behavior.

practice at seeing the consequences of her inappropriate actions, and at learning to control her impulses. You’re teaching her that respectful communication, patience, and delayed gratification pay off—and that contrary behaviors don’t. Important lessons for a developing brain.

A downstairs tantrum is completely different. Here, a child becomes so upset that he’s no longer able to use his upstairs brain.

Whereas a child throwing an upstairs tantrum needs a parent to quickly set firm boundaries, an appropriate response to a downstairs tantrum is much more nurturing and comforting.

connect with the child and help him calm himself down.

loving touch and a soothing tone of voice. Or, if he has gone so far that he’s in danger of hurting himself or someone else or destroying property, you may have to hold him close and calmly talk him down as you remove him from the scene.

sometimes there is no place for negotiation in parent-child interactions. Children need to respect their parents’ authority, and sometimes that means that no simply means no, without wiggle room.

Every time we say “Convince me” or “Come up with a solution that works for both of us,” we give our kids the chance to practice problem solving and decision making. We help them consider appropriate behaviors and consequences, and we help them think about what another person feels and wants. All because we found a way to engage the upstairs, instead of enraging the downstairs.