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May 4 - July 17, 2024
try out the “move it or lose it” technique. Do jumping jacks. Try some yoga stretches. Take slow, deep breaths.
Finally, repair. Quickly. Reconnect with your child as soon as you are calm and feeling more in control of yourself. Then deal with whatever emotional and relational harm has been done.
Instead, memory is all about associations.
in essence, memory is the way an event from the past influences us in the present.
every experience literally changes the physical makeup of the brain, since neurons are constantly being connected (and separated) based on our experiences.
memory retrieval activates a neural cluster similar to, but not identical with, the one created at the time of encoding.
memory is all about linkages in the brain (as opposed to being alphabetical files to be accessed whenever needed), and that retrieved memories are by definition vulnerable to distortion (as opposed to being detail-for-detail accurate photocopies from your past).
when our kids seem to be reacting in unusually unreasonable ways, we need to consider whether an implicit memory has created a mental model that we need to help them explore.
She used narrative to help his implicit memories become explicit and full of meaning, so they wouldn’t act on him with such hidden power.
The hippocampus works with different parts of our brain to take all of the images, emotions, and sensations of implicit memory and draw them together so that they can become the assembled “pictures” that make up our explicit understanding of our past experiences.
Helping Your Child Integrate Implicit and Explicit Memories Whole-Brain Strategy #6: Use the Remote of the Mind: Replaying Memories
By introducing them to the remote of the mind, which controls their internal DVD player, you make the storytelling process much less scary, because you offer them some control over what they deal with, so they can interact with it at their own pace.
Just recounting basic facts like this helps develop your child’s memory and prepares her for interacting with more significant memories down the road.
Studies have clearly shown that the very act of recalling and expressing an event through journaling can improve immune and heart function, as well as general well-being.
One trick for younger school-age kids is to play a guessing game when you pick them up from school. Say, “Tell me two things that really happened today, and one thing that didn’t. Then I’ll guess which two are true.”
“Tell me about your day. Give me one high point, one low point, and one act of kindness you performed for someone.”
we recommend Dan’s book Parenting from the Inside Out, written with Mary Hartzell, as a great place to begin this journey
The hub represents part of what’s called the executive brain, because it’s from this place that we make our best decisions; it’s also the part of the brain that allows us to connect deeply to others and to ourselves.
from his hub at the center of the wheel, which was the most thoughtful and objective part of himself, he could choose how much attention to give them, as well as which other rim points he wanted to focus on.
The danger is that the temporary state of mind can be perceived as a permanent part of their self. The state comes to be seen as a trait that defines who they are.
She can develop the mindsight to realize that she’s frustrated about struggling in this moment, but it doesn’t mean that she’s dumb or that she’ll always have trouble.
This is one of the best things the wheel of awareness does: it teaches kids that they have choices about what they focus on and where they place their attention.
neurons that fire together wire together. This entire process—from neural activation to neural growth and strengthened connections—is neuroplasticity.
The point is that the physical architecture of the brain changes according to where we direct our attention and what we practice doing.
By directing our attention, we can go from being influenced by factors within and around us to influencing them.
kids can often get the wheel of awareness idea at a very young age, even at the beginning of elementary school—they
We need to help children understand that the clouds of their emotions can (and will) roll on by.
on average, an emotion comes and goes in ninety seconds.
They can learn to recognize stomach butterflies as markers of anxiety, a desire to hit as anger or frustration, heavy shoulders as sadness,
they don’t have to be victims of the sensations, images, feelings, and thoughts within them, and decide how they think and feel about their experiences.
her neurons associated with mindfully focusing on her breath became wired to her neurons related to feelings of calm and well-being.
One of the best tools you give your kids for when they feel anxious or afraid, or even when they’re having trouble falling asleep, is to teach them to visualize a place where they feel calm and peaceful: floating on a raft in a pool, sitting next to a river they remember from a camping trip, or swinging in a hammock at their grandparents’ house.
parenting matters, even to the extent of influencing our inborn and genetically shaped temperament.
in moments of reactivity, nonverbals (like hugs and empathetic facial expressions) will be much more powerful.
To become a part of a well-functioning “we,” a person needs also to remain an individual “me.”
“playful parenting” is one of the best ways to prepare your children for relationships and encourage them to connect with others. That’s because it gives them positive experiences being with the people they spend the most time with: their parents.
Let someone begin a story, then after one sentence, the next person has to add to it, followed by the next person, and so on. Games and activities like these not only keep the family fun factor high, but also give kids practice at being receptive to the unexpected turns life presents them.
You can also use fun, and even silliness, to shift your children’s state of mind when they become stuck in an angry or defiant state. Sometimes they won’t be in the mood to have you act silly or playful, so be sensitive to the cues you receive, especially with older kids. But if you’re sensitive to how your playfulness will be received, this can be an extremely powerful and easily implemented way to help children shift how they are feeling.
But kids also need to realize that at times, that’s only the beginning. Sometimes
The point is that you’re helping your kids demonstrate acts of love and contrition that show they’ve thought about another’s feelings and want to find a way to repair the rupture in the relationship.
Each new movement toward considering someone else’s feelings creates stronger connections in the relational circuitry of the brain.
Simply getting Colin to actually see Logan’s perspective would be a pretty big breakthrough with long-lasting benefits.
early experience is not fate. By making sense of your past you can free yourself from what might otherwise be a cross-generational legacy of pain and insecure attachment, and instead create an inheritance of nurturance and love for your children.
your job is to be present with your children and connect with them through the ups and downs of life’s journey.
#1: Connect and redirect: When your child is upset, connect first emotionally, right brain to right brain. Then, once she is more in control and receptive, bring in the left-brain lessons and discipline.
#2: Name it to tame it: When big, right-brain emotions are raging out of control, help your child tell the story about what’s upsetting him. In doing so, he’ll use his left brain to make sense of his experience and feel more in control.
#3: Engage, don’t enrage: In high-stress situations, engage your child’s upstairs brain by asking her to consider and plan and choose,
A great question to help avoid power struggles is, Can you come up with an idea for how we can both get what we want?
#4: Use it or lose it: Provide lots of opportunities to exercise the upstairs brain so it can be strong and integrated with the downstairs brain and the body.
So when your child is upset, and after you’ve acknowledged his feelings, give him reasons to move his body. Wrestle with him. Play “keep it up” with a balloon. Toss a ball back and forth while he’s telling you why he’s upset. Moving the body is a powerful way to change a mood.
