Hamartia

by Scarlett Drake

Me falling in love with a guy? Ha, probably, you know. I’m sure the second he was born he was meant for me.

I try not to tell too many lies generally because I sort of feel like the big one I’m keeping is a fucking leviathan that leaves little room in my gut for much else.

Maybe it’s me who doesn’t need any more friends. Let me see you in New York.

“I do not want to be your friend, Raphael. I do not want to watch sunrises and think of you. I do not want to close my eyes to go to sleep and see the image of your mouth when you smile. I do not want to spend a five-hour flight daydreaming about your eyes or the sound of your voice or the way you say my name. I do not want it. And yet… all of these things I have done just today.”

“I want you. I don’t know what this is but I haven’t been able to think in a straight line since I saw you and it’s driving me insane. I want…to touch you, breathe you in, kiss you, taste you, and I don’t know what any of it means. It’s…it’s like I’m fucking obsessed. I feel obsessed. Have you ever been obsessed with anything? Ever wanted something so much it makes every breath you have to take without it, pointless?”

“I think you underestimate how much I want you. How long I’ve wanted this.”

“I told you, I’m here because I want you. Because if I don’t get to have you at least once I’m gonna lose my fucking mind.” Maybe I could have gone with something more poetic, something like I’m here because I haven’t been able to stop thinking about you for two and a half years. Because I’ve never wanted to touch and be touched by another person as much as I want to touch and be touched by you. Because just looking at you feels like I’m drowning, and I like that feeling more than I should.

What did it mean that the first moment I saw him everything inside me changed color and flavor, while he didn’t even remember it?

“Dangsin-eun na-ege neomu keun sangcheoleul jul geos-ibnida. an geulae?”

“I have always known, Jaehyun. It was that I could never give them to you.”

It doesn’t feel like a choice. Or if it is, I think I made it four nights ago when I came here. Or in that Paris bathroom. Any choice in which he’s an option, I’ll always choose him.

He meets my eye. “Home can be anywhere, I think.”

I hadn’t meant to cry. Hadn’t expected to. I don’t really cry. I cried a lot as a kid, too much, and then one day, mom said, I just stopped. I can’t remember the last time I cried. It feels kind of nice.

I need him to know that I’m not messing about here. That I know what this is. That he’s important. A life-changing, soul-shifting event.

“He is going to hurt you.” The way you did, is unsaid. Instead, I say, “Then I will be hurt. Again. Then I will recover, again.”

It’s automatic, touching him. I need it like I need to breathe.

In any case, loving him isn’t hard. It’s been easy. Quick and easy. I blinked and it was done.

“I’ll wait for you, baby.” I kiss the words into his mouth as he wraps his arms around my neck. “As long as it takes, I’ll wait for you.”

Perhaps Raphael could love me hard enough that it will not matter about all the ways in which I am broken, faulty, imperfect.

It’s the one thing, the only thing, I know for certain. I’d never ever hurt him. And if he wants it, I’ll give him everything.

Please let me have this again. Please don’t let this be the last time.

It hits me like a fucking truck. He’s already chosen too. This is him choosing. And he’s not choosing me. Just like Finn didn’t choose me.

My heart warms at that. At the kind of father Raphael will be. A love as beautiful and strong and immovable as the sun. As fierce and certain as the moon. A love he had offered me. I’d love you enough for both of us.

“I love you too,” I whisper to no one. “In another life I would have chosen you.”

I want only one thing. And I’m shocked to find that it is not K:OS.

“It is true it has never been done in our industry,” Lua says finally. “There is no precedent for an out, gay idol. But we would not be who we are if we did not push those precedents forward—if you all did not redefine what it means to be idols. That is why you are so successful. Why you have the reach that you do.”

God, no. I don’t want someone else. I want him. I want Raphael Scott to love me.

What do you fucking want, Jaehyun? “You.” I whisper to no one. “I want you, Raphael.”

“You don’t need to do anything except let me make you happy. Just…let me love you and make you happy. That’s enough. You’re enough.”

“Saranghae,” I mouth. He beams. “I love you,” he mouths back.