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At some point I have to stop killing people. I can’t very well carry on like this. Here I am, backed into a corner yet again, with no conceivable way out—another body to bury, another alibi to invent, and absolutely no relevant knowledge to speak of.
the hero didn’t make it three chapters before revealing himself to be a villain who bludgeoned his personal trainer to death with a Shake Weight. That particular storyline was fueled heavily by caffeine and the discovery that I’d be unable to cancel my gym membership, since I (wildly optimistically) paid six months in advance.
“You want something a little darker, but not too on-the-nose—” “SpookyPants McWhodunnit,” I cut him off. “Subtle,” he says. “Understated. I like it.”
“She’s a lovely young lady with a lovely woodsy name and excellent manners, so you need to be nice to her,” Caroline says, her voice severe. A lovely woodsy name? What’s that supposed to mean? Maple? Oak? Flowering dogwood? Am I going to be living with a woman named Dogwood?
I bet we’d be cute together. You’re positive you don’t want to date me?” “I’m positive,” I say dryly, sitting on the hood of her car. “Because you’re missing a real opportunity here,” she goes on as though I haven’t spoken. “Our couple name would be Aidiper.” “Why Aidiper?” I say, cocking one brow at her. “Why not Junipaide?” “Because Junipaide sounds like the kind of all-purpose cleaning solution they use in nursing homes.” Her answer is immediate and matter-of-fact, like she’s given this a lot of thought already. “Do you want our legacy to sound like a cleaning solution, Aiden?”
4 IN WHICH JUNIPER DECIDES MURDER MIGHT BE THE BEST OPTION
I’m starting to think it might be worth it to let SpookyPants McWhodunnit have her chance in the sun,
I won’t lose any sleep. Well, all right. Maybe a little, because I struggle with bouts of insomnia. But I won’t lose much.
it’s kind of sketchy, right? What if it’s anthrax or something? Hang on.” Her eyes narrow on me. “This isn’t from you, is it? Did you send me anthrax?” My lips twitch at this. “I did not, no. I don’t think I have access to anthrax.”
I don’t know why anyone would choose to sit when they can sprawl, but to each their own.
“But you’ll never see them.” I will see those pictures if it is the last thing I do. I will run a long con on his mother if it means I get a glimpse of straight-laced Aiden wearing an earring.
It’s only nine-forty-five. When did you have time to go to the store?” Juniper puts her hands on her hips and rolls her eyes. “It’s almost ten, Aiden. Some of us have been panic breathing since six.
I don’t need to leave a huge legacy; I don’t need to change the world. But I’m going to make my little corner of life a really excellent corner.
When I lounge on the couch, I look like a sloppy starfish. Spread eagle, inelegant, unladylike bordering on indecent. I become part of that couch.
once we’re done eating and booing fascist dictators,
I wasn’t sure if I trusted him.” “Because…?” “Because he’s a fox. It’s my policy to be wary of charming men with eyes that blue.”
We’ll put some stain stick on, soak it in cold water—it will be fine.” “What’s stain stick?”
“Someone keeps interrupting me.” “Sad,” I say with not an ounce of sadness.
Does Caroline know any deep, dark secrets of mine? Do I have any of those?
It’s hard as a rock, this sofa, like I’m sitting on a slab of fuzz-covered stone. What’s the point of a couch if you couldn’t sneak a nap on it?
“Many pageants are even part of larger scholarship programs.” Do not make a Miss Congeniality joke, I tell myself firmly. Resist the urge. You are a strong woman with impeccable impulse control. Well. That might be stretching things a bit much.
Most of me is outraged about any number of things—the poor dead chicken, the welcome mat that’s now ruined, the audacity.
safety is priceless to me now. And someone has come and trampled it under their stupid, stinky, chicken-wielding feet. I am not okay with that.
“This is what sisters are for.” “Really? Because I seem to recall you telling me one time that your primary role in my life was to keep me humble,”
Where are these feelings coming from? We’re just talking on the phone. Two roommates chatting about murder and paternity.
Now just tell me. What is it? Were you secretly married before?” Her eyes narrow on me. “Do you have a kid somewhere? It wouldn’t be an immediate no, but—”
“That’s not a very nice facial expression to make at your girlfriend,” I say in a singsong voice, mostly just to push his buttons. “I regret everything,” he says darkly. I shake my head. “It’s too late. We are one. We are Aidiper.” “I take it all back.” “And we’re so cute together—” “Everything. I take everything back.” “No take backs. Sorry.” I shrug, looking over at him. “I don’t make the rules, I just follow them.” “I make the rules,” he says, and I laugh. “No. No way. Last time you made the rules, you said we would never be romantically involved. Remember that?” “Meh,” he says,
Turn here.” He points to the left turn I’m just about to miss. Sunshine doesn’t do well with last-minute decisions,
Just listen up. Aiden’s girlfriend—what’s her name?” “Juniper,” I say, and Caroline echoes the same thing. “Juniper,” my mother says. “Juniper needs a family. I want you to go over there tomorrow morning, Caroline, and tomorrow evening we can all have dinner together—” “Whoa, whoa, whoa,” I say quickly. “Slow down.
“Hey!” she shouts drunkenly, jabbing her finger in Rocco’s direction as she stumbles toward him. “Hey. When someone is naked on the toilet, you don’t just burst in. That’s rude. It’s rude!”
the knife slices her upper arm. It begins bleeding immediately, and for a second, Juniper just stares at it in shock. She blinks once. Twice. And then she looks back at Rocco. “Hey!” she screams—and I do mean screams. “I am the fruit of your womb! You can’t stab me—give me that. Give me that!”
Juniper brings the bust down on Rocco’s head just as he’s scrambling to his feet, knife in hand. It connects with his skull, giving a sickening crunch, and he falls immediately to the floor—still and silent. “William,” I say faintly to the blood-smeared bust, cracked in half on the floor. “Did you kill my father-in-law?”
For now I think she just needs to rest. Turn her off and then turn her back on again in order to get her functioning again. Maybe put her in a vat of rice if she can’t stop crying.
