Hold On to Your Kids: Why Parents Need to Matter More Than Peers in API Reads

Nov 17, 2008 Rebecca rated it did not like it

Shelves: owned, parenting, nonfiction, library, attachment-parenting

Here is a copy of the review I did for API:

I will honestly state that I did not agree with large portions of this book and had a hard time finishing it. Because I did disagree with so much of it and knew I would need to do a review of it, I took lots of notes and I tried to analyze the authors claims and why I did or did not agree with them. So as a critical thinking exercise it was very enjoyable. It also sparked an interest in reading more scientific research directly on attachment theory (I'v Here is a copy of the review I did for API:

I will honestly state that I did not agree with large portions of this book and had a hard time finishing it. Because I did disagree with so much of it and knew I would need to do a review of it, I took lots of notes and I tried to analyze the authors claims and why I did or did not agree with them. So as a critical thinking exercise it was very enjoyable. It also sparked an interest in reading more scientific research directly on attachment theory (I've read entries in Wikipedia and am looking to read Handbook of Attachment). I liked considering the major ideas of why kids are drawn to peers, because I see the pattern even in young and old children in my community who I believe to be securely attached.

However, I don't think I can recommend this book for several reasons. The major one is that I disagree with the premise that peers are the reason for kids turning away from their parents. I don't disagree that kids become attached to peers but I believe the problem to be that parents hurt the relationship so kids look for attachment elsewhere. The authors, sometime allude that lack of parental attachment is the cause and other times will come right out and blame peers for causing the rift. So their message isn't consistent. I found there were many other instances of this type of doublespeak in the book.

Secondly, the reasoning that the authors use for making their argument and their theories on how to reestablish the attachment relationship reads like a parenting advice book, with lots of assumptions about the nature of parent-child relationships or peer culture. Yet scientific references are few and far between. I found I was not convinced by the case they made as they sounded more like opinions than ideas that would hold up to rigorous scrutiny. They simply didn't jive with my world view on human nature so I had a hard time buying them.

I also found that the authors used fear based techniques to attempt to persuade the audience, citing horrific case examples and painting peer groups almost uniformly negative. They made children and parents into victims with peers being the perpetrators. I don't find it kind to communicate with someone where fear is used to motivate and thus found much of the book to be disagreeable. They also frequently implied that if your child is not behaving that your attachment connection is not strong enough, without disregard for individual personality or developmental stages. I would have a hard time recommending this to anyone interested in attachment parenting who might not have an easy going child who naturally likes to please, as it sets them up for lots of doubt and wondering what they are doing wrong.

Finally, the authors' tone frequently betrays a world view where not only is an adult more powerful but also right or correct or justified in manipulating children, aka adultism. They frequently come off as patronizing and ignoring the individual that each child is under the guise of parenting or worse, when attempting to reestablish the attachment connection. I found this most disturbing and disrespectful of an entire class of humanity.

About the only portion of the text that I did like and got something out of was chapter 17, "Don't Court the Competition." In this chapter they identify common beliefs in mainstream parenting, like not being fooled by early peer orientation, shyness as a negative sign, children learning social interaction skills, children needing friends, etc. Again, I didn't always agree with the why's of their theories around the ideas, but I think they are correct in bringing up these so called truisms for scrutiny. I might be inclined to recommend this chapter alone to parents, particularly those with small children who are trying to understand how kids get along or how preschool fits in or if they are worried about a shy child.
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Jan 12, 2009 Kit rated it really liked it

Shelves: pregnancy-birth-and-parenting

I'm not sure I completely agree with his argument (it's a bit black-and-white to me); however, I do think that you cannot read this book as a parent without rethinking children's social needs.

Thinking about this book some more: What I really liked is the argument that discipline, for the most part, is rooted in attachment and that if we fail to cultivate that attachment we will have a difficult time raising our children since other things will fulfill that role. I just wish that their was less e ...more

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Aug 28, 2011 Rorie rated it really liked it

This the attachment parenting book to read after you can't carry them in slings anymore, they've stopped breastfeeding, and they're out of the family bed....almost. This book explained A LOT of what ails us as a society and what ails (sad to say) a LOT of young people. The book goes on a bit too long about what is wrong ( all right I GET it already) but overall a very important read for anyone coming into contact with non-adults. I want to get one for every parent I know. I've tried some of the ...more

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Apr 29, 2014 Kellie rated it really liked it

Shelves: 2015

Great book. Such a good look at the way our culture puts peer interaction on a pedestal while forgetting the importance of adult attachment. AP for the win!

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