From the Bookshelf of Around the Year in 52 Books …

I knew it was locked, but I had to check nevertheless. As I checked it, six times, one-two-three-four-five-six, I told myself it was locked. I locked it last night. I remember locking it. I remember checking it. I remember checking it for fucking hours. Even so, it might not be locked, I might have made a mistake. What if I’d unlocked it again, without realizing? What if something went wrong with the checking, and I wasn’t paying attention.Loc3393

After a while, my breathing calm, back to normal, I wondered if I should go upstairs and knock on his door. I found myself having the conversation in my head: Oh, hello. Did you knock? I was in the shower . . . No, that wouldn’t do it—how would I have known it was him? Again, I heard my mantra coming unwanted into my mind: This isn’t normal. This isn’t how normal people think. Fuck off, world—what the hell is normal anyway? Loc560

“With Lee. I’m just—sometimes I’m just a bit scared.”

At last she stopped what she was doing. “Why are you scared? You’re not scared of Lee, surely—he’s wonderful. Are you scared of losing him, somehow?”

I paused while I tried to find the right words. “He’s not always wonderful.”

“You been having fights?”

“Sort of, I guess. I don’t know—I’ve been tired, he’s been working a lot. When I do see him it always seems to be on his terms, and he doesn’t like me going out without him anymore.”

Sylvia sighed. “To be fair, though, honey, he’s kind of got a point. Look at the way you were—the way we all were—when he met you. You were going out every night you could with the sole intention of flirting. No wonder he’s nervous about letting you out.”

I didn’t say anything, so she went on, “You’re in a relationship now, hon. It’s a whole different ball game.” Her voice softened a little. “Lee’s a good man, Catherine. Don’t forget some of the complete shits you’ve been out with. I’m sure he’s just being protective of you. And not only is he totally fucking gorgeous, but he loves you, he really does. Everyone said that, after the dinner party. He’s so obviously completely and totally in love with you. That’s what we’re all waiting for. I wish I had that. I wish I had what you have.”

“I know.” I was trying not to let her hear my tears. Loc3308

“Do you know what the worst thing was?” I said at last, into his shoulder. “It wasn’t sitting in there, in that room, waiting for him to come back and kill me. It wasn’t being hit, it wasn’t the pain, it wasn’t even being raped. It was that afterward nobody, not even my best friend, believed me.” I sat back then, looked out at the river, a barge going slowly past, downstream. “I need you to believe me, Stuart. I need that more than I’ve ever needed anything in my whole life.” Loc4237