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I Want to Die But I Want to Eat Tteokpokki

Baek Se-hee,

Hyacinta Louisa (Translator)

Start date: July 1, 2024

Finish date: July 31, 2025

Discussion: Reading with Namjoon

Why we're reading this: Recommended by Namjoon (RM)
[close] Recommended by Namjoon (RM)

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Reading with Namjoon

I Want to Die But I Want to Eat Tteokpokki
By Amy · 3 posts · 10 views

last updated Jun 23, 2025 12:48PM

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Dec 20, 2024 Amy Gideon rated it liked it

Shelves: audiobooks, bts, biography, 2024-reading-list

This review has been hidden because it contains spoilers. To view it, click here. 2.75/5 stars

I picked this up because I liked the title, and I saw that RM of BTS had read it. It's a quick read, and I appreciated that. I honestly wanted to like this more because I related to the title so much and liked the premise of it, but unfortunately, this didn't resonate.

I admire the author's vulnerability in putting her deepest thoughts and feelings out there for the world to see and to be open about her mental health struggles. That's a hard thing to do, especially with how little a 2.75/5 stars

I picked this up because I liked the title, and I saw that RM of BTS had read it. It's a quick read, and I appreciated that. I honestly wanted to like this more because I related to the title so much and liked the premise of it, but unfortunately, this didn't resonate.

I admire the author's vulnerability in putting her deepest thoughts and feelings out there for the world to see and to be open about her mental health struggles. That's a hard thing to do, especially with how little attention is given to mental illness in South Korea. She also expressed that she's a feminist which is a difficult label to take on in South Korea with the huge backlash to the #metoo movement. It's also hard not to admire her determination as she tries to understand herself with the idea of being a better version of herself. All of this is incredibly admirable, and I can understand how South Koreans could relate and even find this book helpful in destigmatizing people experiencing mental health issues.

That being said, I found myself intermittently yelling at the author or therapist, depending on what was being discussed. I think the therapist meant well, but some of their advice and actions were wild. If this was my therapist, I would've walked out. First off, what is with the therapist not describing possible side effects of the medication before prescribing said medication or when they increased the dosage? The author literally had no idea that some of what she was experiencing was due to side effects because she didn't know it was a side effect! Is sharing medical knowledge of your patients' prescriptions with them just not a thing in South Korea? Or was this therapist just sloppy?

Also, some of the advice or observations made by the therapist just seemed shallow or bad. For example, the author is telling her therapist that she's trying to cut back on drinking, and she tends to drink more with this one friend. But she's also doing a lot of drinking by herself where she seems to kind of need to be buzzed to function to a certain extent or relax. I'm not saying this makes the author an alcoholic but they seem to be maybe a little too dependent on alcohol as a mood stabilizer. Instead of investigating why the author feels this way and trying to actually help her overcome this in a meaningful way, she tells the author to just not drink with that friend. But that doesn't help her with her daily habitual drinking. Not hanging with that friend isn't going to help her when she's drinking alone. Honestly, I think it's more concerning that she's drinking alone, almost as if she's self medicating her side effects from the medication, than socially with a friend. The therapist doesn't seem phased by this, though.

They also told the author that her treating a good friend poorly was due to the side effects of the medication even though it wasn't out of character behavior for the author to harshly push people away before they can do it to her. Like the side effects might have exacerbated the behavior but it's very much in line with what she's seeing them about and now the author seems to put most of the blame for that incident on the side effects rather than her behavior. It almost felt like trying to put the blame elsewhere so the author wouldn't have to deal with her guilt in that situation. And maybe that was a good thing because the author didn't need one more thing to hate herself for.

The version of the author being portrayed in this book can be somewhat relateable but is difficult to like. When I was younger, and before I was medicated, I was suicidal and absolutely hated myself. However, even at my lowest, I have never hated myself like the author hates themselves, and that's heartbreaking. Like listening to her overthink and analyze every little thing and interaction in her life was exhausting. I just wanted to alternately shake her out of it or wrap her up in a blanket with a hot tea.

However, the whole "pretty girl thinks she's ugly because shitty men don't always pay attention to her" is not something I can relate to as well. I went and looked up the author to see what they looked like because she was saying how she's always introduced by women as being beautiful which puts pressure on her and then she talks about how one shitty dude was mocking and rude when a friend introduced her that way. By pretty much any standard, people would find her attractive. It seriously just feels like when a size 2 will complain about being fat. It's good she's in therapy if she really thinks this way about herself and isn't just doing this as a false sense of humility. She makes it hard to empathize with this, especially with how honest she is about equating fat with ugly, the critical judgment on other peoples looks that she practices. and her disgust at lesbians who don't try to look more feminine. At least she's honest and recognizes this and wants to try to change her way of thinking. However, I wouldn't want to meet her because she seems like she'd be projecting all her shit on to you.

Except for her current partner and this one friend, who was fairly understanding and empathetic towards the author, all her other friends seemed awful. If any of my friends' male friends mocked me and implied I was ugly and not his type (without my even asking, he just volunteered this information), they would absolutely call them out. If I told my friends that the way they introduced me to others made me uncomfortable, they would probably assure me that they didn't intend to hurt me and even apologize even though it wasn't intentional. At the very least, they would never introduce me to people that way again. They wouldn't just go "it's a compliment and my opinion" and act like my feelings aren't a big deal. Like wtf? It doesn't feel like the author has been able to form a lot of healthy relationships and she acknowledges that somewhat, but I don't truly think she recognizes how some of her so called friends are not good friends. And the therapist doesn't ever seem to help her reflect on the people she's choosing to surround herself with.

Also, due to how this book is structured, the author comes across as self-centered. This makes sense because it's therapy, but I had to keep reminding myself of that to not overly dislike the author. I enjoyed the author more in the stories she shared after the therapist's note. However, I hated how that was structured as well. You don't do an epilogue, then a note from a therapist, and end it with pages of random thoughts and stories. It just made me want it to end, which is shame because some of those stories were way more interesting than anything that had come before. The ending is incredibly abrupt as well. I wasn't sure why this stylistic choice was made. I didn't like it.

I have no desire to read any more nonfiction from this author, especially if it's about themselves. Maybe I'd pick up a fiction book by this author depending on the story as she's not a bad writer. ...more

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Feb 11, 2025 Stina marked it as to-read

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