Diana’s Comments (group member since Apr 13, 2012)

Diana’s comments from the Bringing Up Bebe Discussion group.

Maryann--

I couldn't agree more. The fetishization of the French (or the Chinese or whatever the 'hot' culture of the moment is) bugs me to no end. I think that when you're a stranger in a strange land, like Druckerman was, you end up putting a great deal of emphasis on fitting in and behaving to the detriment of what's truly important. (See my comments, above.)

Yes, Druckerman's upper class, wealthy French friends do some things right. And I did enjoy parts of this book very much and think it's a worthwhile and very funny and well-written read. Also, I like the French. I spend a great deal of time in France and enjoy it a great deal. But I think they also get a lot of crucial stuff very, very wrong, and Ms. Druckerman glosses these aspects of the culture.

First, just about all of the good stuff of Druckerman's advice--brilliantly packaged and marketed as "French" wisdom--is common sense. Let your kid experience frustration, let him wait (le pause), don't follow him around the playground like a crazed idjit, have some rules (le cadre). The idea that this "wisdom" is uniquely French is absurd.

Meanwhile, Druckerman doesn't have much to say about a culture that disdains breastfeeding or that demands a mother's focus (and, more disturbingly, her doctor's) be on pleasing "le monsieur" (the husband) by losing weight tout de suite and getting mama back in "working" order (tummy tucks and perimeal re-education--that is, vagina tightening physical therapy) all paid for by the state.

Druckerman also downplays the importance of the most vital French parenting wisdom -- state-mandated paid maternity leaves, months of vacation time, free daycare, and free preschool. (Think about that. No, really--think about it. Wow. How anti-American is all that?!?) I wish the book had more to say on this. But Ms. Druckerman would rather talk about spinach soufflés for toddlers and sleeping issues (yawn!) and how awful Americans are. Again, and again, and again...

But when it comes to parenting (and children) isn't choice exactly freedom? The freedom to reject what others consider proper behavior in favor of your own personal values? If you hold to your values, you won't be overwhelmed, because you'll reject what others believe if it doesn't ring true to you.

Do you want a child who behaves well in restaurants or do you want a child who's going to invent Facebook? I'm not sure these two values can go hand-in-hand.

Of course, I have a child with blue hair, so I suppose I'm coming from an extreme view of child-rearing. But my point is, the happy, successful children I raised would be shunned in many cultures. (Heck, they're sometimes shunned in my upscale suburban American town, but who cares? We chose and we stand by our values.)

And Laura, your point about authority is excellent and I think the crux of the issue. I blogged about it here: Bringing Up Bob.

We're not as homogenous as the French. We're a bigger, more diverse country--in population and in geography. So yes, there are more voices. I think that's a good thing all around.

What unifies the US, I think, is the ability to think beyond dominant cultural norms. So where the French fight immigration and change tooth and nail, we welcome it. The authors of our child-rearing books are immigrants or children of immigrants (Amy Chua, for example). These are people who are looking for new answers, not people who are content with the status quo. It's the cacophony that makes us great.

So yes, we search. But the search is all good. It opens our minds.