Sarah’s Comments (group member since Nov 15, 2014)

Sarah’s comments from the Write, Wrote, Written group.

It's an intriguing story, I'm interested it what happened to lead up to this point! There are a few technical errors though, (which you'd probably pick up yourself when you get to the editing stage). But here is what I found anyway:

1. The sentences are all structured the same, and that can become tiresome after a while.
2. Although your descriptions of the characters are interesting, you don't need them. Show the reader through your character's actions and dialogue who they are. Let us figure it out, never tell us.
3. I would love some more detail about the setting. If they're preparing for battle there has got to be a lot going on. Paint a picture with strong verbs! :)
4. And last of all, be careful about your point of view. You may be writing in third person but Kenneth is still your main point of view. Try not to slip into other characters, unless you can do it clearly and successfully.

All in all, I enjoyed this sample! Keep it up, it looks like you could have a great story here!! I hope my thoughts are helpful for you :)