I wrote a book that asks 'Who am I? Why am I here? Where am I going?' as a recurring compass. What question do you think most self-help books are really trying to answer? > Likes and Comments

What do you think?

Aramide Salako wrote:  "What question do you think most self-help books are really trying to answer?"

How can one most effectively pander to the self-help clientele?

Aramide wrote: "What do you think?"

Hello Aramide,

I really like your questions, Aramide—the 'recurring compass' is a beautiful image for the inner search.

Beneath their many layers and variations, most self-help books seem to circle around the same deeper longing: not just to improve life, but to remember something that has been forgotten.

Maybe what people are really searching for is the place they came from, the wholeness they once carried, the source they feel cut off from. At the root of it all, it may be less a search for something new than a search to reconnect.

If we are all looking for the same source, why do you think we feel so disconnected from it in the first place?

With love and understanding,

I think a lot of self-help books are really trying to answer a much simpler question underneath everything else:

“How do I live with myself when life doesn’t go the way I expected?”

The bigger questions like “Who am I?” and “Where am I going?” feel important, but often it’s the quieter ones, about loss, uncertainty, or starting over that people are really trying to navigate.

Clara wrote: "I think a lot of self-help books are really trying to answer a much simpler question underneath everything else:

“How do I live with myself when life doesn’t go the way I expected?”

The bigger qu..."

Dear Clara,

I admire your succint and wise comment :)) I totally agree; most of us do not routinely think " what is the point of my life, and is there any purpose to the universe etc etc"; its a practical matter of dealing with every day's challenges that we are all trying to navigate.

It also seems to me that there is somewhat of a gender divide: men are far more likely to wonder " what is the point of my life" then women, in my opinion- and what do you think?

:)

Jasmine

Clara wrote: "I think a lot of self-help books are really trying to answer a much simpler question underneath everything else:

“How do I live with myself when life doesn’t go the way I expected?”

The bigger qu..."

Hello Clara,

You hit on such a profound truth! Every real journey actually begins with that very question.

We often don’t think about our inner 'compass' when everything is going according to plan. It’s usually when our expected life falls apart that we are forced to look deeper and ask who we really are behind all those expectations.

In that sense, those moments of uncertainty aren't just obstacles—they are the very doorways that lead us back to ourselves.

Warmly,
Cagla

Dr. wrote: "Clara wrote: "I think a lot of self-help books are really trying to answer a much simpler question underneath everything else:

“How do I live with myself when life doesn’t go the way I expected?”
..."

I like that distinction, dear Jasmine. :)

I think women are often so involved in the practical side of life — keeping things going, caring for others, handling whatever the day brings — that their search for meaning becomes more rooted in real life.

For many women, meaning is not just something to sit and think about. It’s something they come to know through daily life itself — through enduring, nurturing, and simply continuing.

So in that sense, I don’t really see everyday life as separate from the bigger questions. Very often, it’s right there, in the middle of ordinary struggles, that deeper answers begin to appear. Whether we are looking for a new direction or trying to find our way back home, it usually happens in the middle of life as it is.

With love,

Cagla wrote: "Dr. wrote: "Clara wrote: "I think a lot of self-help books are really trying to answer a much simpler question underneath everything else:

“How do I live with myself when life doesn’t go the way I..."

Dear Cagla,

I second your every word! :)

And I also think that we, women, are so lucky, to be able to seek refuge/healing in "practical matters", the way men never can. I mean, if a man has some terrible emotional pain, he is at risk of suicide (the poor guy!) as for women...

“Crying is for plain women. Pretty women go shopping.”
― Oscar Wilde

Disclaimer: all the above is meant humorously! please, nobody take offence.

:))

Jasmine

Dr. wrote: "Cagla wrote: "Dr. wrote: "Clara wrote: "I think a lot of self-help books are really trying to answer a much simpler question underneath everything else:

“How do I live with myself when life doesn’..."

Dear Jasmine,

That made me smile :)

Yes, maybe women really do have a more natural way of finding small shelters inside ordinary life.

And of course, thank God, sometimes through shopping too :)

But behind the humor, I do think there is some truth in what you said. Women often seem to know how to keep living through pain by staying in relationship with life itself.

Thank you for the smile. :))

That’s an interesting question.

I sometimes think we move through life in stages, each with its own very clear “purpose.” As children, we’re mostly concerned with food and comfort. As teenagers, everything seems to revolve around sex and identity. As young adults, it becomes family and building a life. Later, it shifts towards money, security, and responsibility.

And then, if we’re lucky enough to reach it, there’s a stage where we look back and ask, “Is that all? Is that really why we we're here?”

Some people find their answer in religion, which can offer a strong moral compass and a way to navigate life. That has its place. But even then, it doesn’t always answer the deeper question.

So perhaps most self-help books are circling around that same quiet uncertainty — trying, in different ways, to answer a question that may not have a final answer at all.

I don’t have it. I’m not sure anyone does.

James wrote: "That’s an interesting question.

I sometimes think we move through life in stages, each with its own very clear “purpose.” As children, we’re mostly concerned with food and comfort. As teenagers, e..."

Hello James,

I liked your point about life moving through stages, each with a different focus. And yes, after passing through all those stages, a person often arrives at exactly that point in their own evolution.

“Is that all?” To me, that is the first moment of awakening — the point where the journey begins. Until then, we are mostly moving through the natural needs of life. But at some point, something in us begins to ask for more than survival, security, or achievement.

Maybe that is because, in the end, everyone is searching for the same thing in their own way — their center, their source, their essence. But each person looks for truth according to their own nature, their own disposition, and their own path. The forms may differ, the language may differ, and the experience may differ — but all true paths still lead toward the same place.

Maybe self-help books also belong to a certain stage of growth and represent an important step on that path. But there are deeper teachings where, as one goes further, it is no longer only about finding an answer in the mind. If it is granted, one begins to live that answer.

Then the deeper question begins: What is the truth of my being?

Cagla wrote: "Then the deeper question begins: What is the truth of my being?"

Hello Cagla,

Thank you for your thoughtful reply.

Your question, “What is the truth of my being?”, is a profound one. I sometimes find myself drifting slightly wider, though, and wondering: “What is the truth of all life?” Not just the individual, but the whole.

I have a sense — though I wouldn’t claim it as an answer — that perhaps whatever created us is, in some way, becoming conscious through us. That we are part of a larger process rather than separate from it.

But as soon as one question appears, ten more seem to follow. That’s the difficulty with philosophy — it opens doors rather than closing them.

In the end, we may not arrive at a final answer, but the act of asking the question seems to change us in some way.

Best wishes,
James

James wrote: "Cagla wrote: "Then the deeper question begins: What is the truth of my being?"

Hello Cagla,

Thank you for your thoughtful reply.

Your question, “What is the truth of my being?”, is a profound on..."

Hello James,

Thank you for such a thoughtful reply.

I think you touched on something very true by widening the question. While the search often begins with the self, if we go deep enough, it naturally opens toward the whole. It’s like moving from the micro to the macro—discovering oneself becomes the very door to discovering a greater reality.

It is interesting how modern disciplines, despite being so specialized, are starting to reveal these hidden connections again. I’ve always been fascinated by the holographic idea that each part carries the imprint of the whole within it. We aren't separate from the whole, yet we aren't the entire whole either; perhaps we are like different organs in one living body—each with a unique nature and function, yet all belonging to the same life. Each person is a world, yet we all belong to the same world.

This paradox—knowing oneself to glimpse something beyond the self—has been the central question of my inner work and writing for years. It’s actually what eventually shaped my book; not as a final answer, but as a reflection of the path itself. And as you said, that path is never truly finished.

I also loved your point about one question opening ten more. Perhaps that isn’t a failure of philosophy, but its true purpose—stripping away the non-essential until we find the question that really matters.

In the end, maybe the value isn't in reaching a destination, but in who we become while walking the road.

Warmly,

Cagla wrote: "James wrote: "Cagla wrote: "Then the deeper question begins: What is the truth of my being?"

Hello Cagla,

Thank you for your thoughtful reply.

Your question, “What is the truth of my being?”, is..."

Good morning Cagla and James, thank you for thoughtful discussion :)

In an ideal world, all of us would have an answer to "what is the essense of my being", and then, as you say, "live that truth".

Some of us achieved that, you know! I've seen it, many times...

How to increase your chances of getting there? In my opinion, by staying "raw and open", all the time- but its painful, and scary, hence not all of us succeed.

Have a beautiful day :)))

Jasmine

Dr. wrote: "Cagla wrote: "James wrote: "Cagla wrote: "Then the deeper question begins: What is the truth of my being?"

Hello Cagla,

Thank you for your thoughtful reply.

Your question, “What is the truth of ..."

Good morning Jasmine,

Thank you — this felt very true to me.

I think one must also be willing to leave the comfort zone behind. And the right environment matters so much too — the support of those who are walking a similar path can make a real difference.

It also takes courage to break the false patterns planted in us. As Jesus says in one well-known verse, “Unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven.” And in another symbolic sense, it is like Abraham breaking the idols — first the false inner structures must fall.

Maybe we have to clear something in ourselves first, so that what is true can enter a clean space. It is not easy at all. It takes patience, faith, courage, and surrender.

And in the end, some part of it also feels like grace — like something that is given. But we are still responsible for doing the best we can on our side.

Wishing you a beautiful day too :)

Hello Cagla, Jasmine,

I must admit, reading these replies has moved me more than I expected. There’s something about this line of thought that feels less like theory and more like recognition — as if we’re circling something familiar without quite being able to name it.

It reminds me, in a way, of the story of the Buddha — leaving behind his royal life, his family, everything, in search of truth. It’s perhaps one of the most powerful examples of someone taking that question to its absolute limit.

And yet, I’ve always found myself slightly unsettled by that part of the story. There’s something difficult in the idea of turning away from those closest to us in order to seek something higher. It raises an uncomfortable question: is that what it takes? Or is there another way — one that doesn’t require stepping outside of life, but going deeper into it?

Perhaps that’s part of the tension in all of this. Whether truth is found by withdrawing from the world… or by remaining fully within it.

Best wishes,
James

James wrote: "Hello Cagla, Jasmine,

I must admit, reading these replies has moved me more than I expected. There’s something about this line of thought that feels less like theory and more like recognition — as..."

Hi James :)

I feel that " finding the truth by withdrawing from the world" is kind of cheating, or even, intellectual self indulgence.

Its much harder, and messier, to understand the most complex part of life- how all the people/other entities around you interact and affect you- whilst actually living amongst them.

Finding out and implemeting "hundreds of little things" that make it harmonious for them to have you in their lives, and vice versa, would constitute " the ultimate enlightnment", in my opinion :)

As for the " essense of you", well, it is unique and hence your way of achieving harmony will translate into your unique past times, the paid ones and the other ones :))

Jasmine

James wrote: "Hello Cagla, Jasmine,

I must admit, reading these replies has moved me more than I expected. There’s something about this line of thought that feels less like theory and more like recognition — as..."

Hello James,

You’ve touched on a truly profound point here, and I feel this conversation is moving into an even deeper place!

To me, this question points toward one of the highest stages of inner development, because at some point the real search is no longer only about leaving or staying, but about learning the right balance.

That balance appears in many forms across different traditions. Some paths lean toward discipline, reason, and structure; others toward love, mercy, and the way of the heart. And then there is the deeper way that tries to hold both without losing either.

This is also why I don’t think the answer can be complete withdrawal from life. If human beings could truly evolve through seclusion alone, perhaps none of us would have been sent into the world at all. So much of what we need to see in ourselves only becomes visible through relationship. Our flaws, our wounds, our strengths, our capacity for love — all of these are revealed in the mirror of others. In a sense, what is outside us reflects what is within us, and even our relationship with our own inner world becomes visible through the relationships we live outside.

But that does not mean our attention should remain only outward either. If we lose the inner relationship, we lose the center from which all outer relationship can be understood rightly. So again, it comes back to balance.

That is why I feel the real question is not simply whether truth is found by withdrawing from life or by remaining within it, but whether one can go deeply enough into truth without losing one’s humanity, one’s responsibilities, or one’s capacity to love.

Perhaps the deeper way is neither total withdrawal nor total immersion, but learning how to remain inwardly awake while fully present in life.

Maybe that is where the real balance begins.

Cagla

Cagla wrote: "James wrote: "Hello Cagla, Jasmine,

I must admit, reading these replies has moved me more than I expected. There’s something about this line of thought that feels less like theory and more like re..."

Hi Cagla,

self reflection is very important; I agree :)

I would like to know, what is your take on defining " balance"?

Thank you :)

Jasmine

Dr. wrote: "Cagla wrote: "James wrote: "Hello Cagla, Jasmine,

I must admit, reading these replies has moved me more than I expected. There’s something about this line of thought that feels less like theory an..."

Dear Jasmine,

That’s a very good question.

In a more practical sense, to me balance means not letting one part of life swallow all the others.

For example, giving to others without completely neglecting yourself. Being open-hearted, but still having boundaries. Taking care of responsibilities in the outer world, while also making space for silence, reflection, and inner life. It also means knowing when to act, when to wait, when to speak, and when to stay quiet.

In many religious traditions, this balance is also described as walking a very fine path — a kind of middle way. And to me, that path is not only something after death or somewhere beyond life; it is life itself. Maybe we are here, in part, to learn how to walk that path every day, by staying inwardly awake while moving through the world.

So I don’t see balance as a fixed or perfect state. It’s not a final state we arrive at, but something we keep trying to return to, moment by moment.

That’s what balance means to me :)

Cagla wrote: "Dr. wrote: "Cagla wrote: "James wrote: "Hello Cagla, Jasmine,

I must admit, reading these replies has moved me more than I expected. There’s something about this line of thought that feels less li..."

Thank you, Cagla- you see balance the way most of us see it :); the " practical definition" , as you say.

Jasmine

Dr. wrote: "Cagla wrote: "Dr. wrote: "Cagla wrote: "James wrote: "Hello Cagla, Jasmine,

I must admit, reading these replies has moved me more than I expected. There’s something about this line of thought that..."

Oh yes Jasmine, sometimes the practical path is the best place to start :))

I believe those questions and themes are imbedded - overtly or covertly, in every book worth reading. Whether it is The Count of Monte Cristo, or The Great Gatsby or Kane and Able, those questions are, in some way, implied in the writings and characters.

Hello Cagla, Jasmine,

I wonder if “balance” is perhaps a little too easy as an answer — or at least, easier to describe than to actually live.

How do we truly find that balance? And even if we do, how does it answer the deeper question of meaning — why we are here at all?

Every day we see people struggle with this. We chase money, and when we find it, it doesn’t satisfy us, so we want more. We find love, and after a while even that can lose its intensity, and we start looking for something new. It seems we are always moving, always searching, rarely content for long.

If we look at nature, even Darwin’s idea of survival suggests constant competition and pressure (Survival of the fittest). There is no obvious “balance” there — only movement, adaptation, and change. So how do we, as individuals, find a stable centre within something so variable?

I sometimes feel that perhaps the answer doesn’t lie in the physical goals at all. Maybe those are just part of the surface experience. The deeper shift might come when we begin to step back from them and look at life from a different level — what we might call a higher level of awareness or consciousness.

Even the act of asking these questions feels like a step in that direction.

But then another question follows: if we reach that level — or even glimpse it — what do we actually do with it? And what does it really mean in the context of an ordinary human life?

Best wishes,
James

good

A.C. wrote: "I believe those questions and themes are imbedded - overtly or covertly, in every book worth reading. Whether it is The Count of Monte Cristo, or The Great Gatsby or Kane and Able, those questions ..."

That’s very true. What makes a book lasting is not only the story itself, but the deeper questions it carries beneath it.

This is also why some books can cross time, culture, and generations. The characters and settings change, but what people struggle with, deep down, remains much the same.

Best,
Cagla

James wrote: "Hello Cagla, Jasmine,

I wonder if “balance” is perhaps a little too easy as an answer — or at least, easier to describe than to actually live.

How do we truly find that balance? And even if we do..."

Hello James,

There’s a lot in what you wrote, and I feel this conversation is moving into something deeper.

I very much agree that “balance” can sound easier in words than in life. Maybe that is because balance is not something we solve once and keep forever. It is something we keep losing and trying to return to, again and again, within life itself.

And I also feel that balance alone does not answer the deeper question of meaning. To me, it is more like a necessary condition — not the answer itself, but what allows us to stay on the path without falling off too quickly. Without some inner balance, we may not even be able to stay with the deeper question long enough.

What you say about money, love, and the constant search also feels very true. We keep moving from one desire to another, hoping each one will finally satisfy something inside. But after a while, each outer form shows its limit. Maybe that disappointment is not meaningless. Maybe it is part of what slowly turns the search inward.

Your point about nature is important too. On the surface, nature looks like struggle, adaptation, and constant change. But maybe balance does not mean the absence of movement or tension. Even creation seems to move through intensity, collision, and unfolding before form appears. In cosmology too, structure emerged through movement, pressure, and differentiation. And in the early universe, matter and antimatter were not in perfect symmetry; if there had not been even the slightest excess of matter, the material world as we know it would not have formed. So maybe what looks like chaos or opposition is not always the opposite of balance. Sometimes it is part of the process through which balance appears.

Maybe human life is similar. Both inwardly and outwardly, both personally and collectively, we seem to pass through extremes before learning how to find the center. In that sense, balance may not be something given from the beginning. It may be something we grow into.

And yes, I think you are right that the deeper shift begins when we step back from surface goals and begin looking from another level of awareness. Even sincerely asking these questions already feels like part of that movement.

As for your last question, I don’t think reaching that level means escaping ordinary human life. To me, it means living it differently. The person may still do ordinary things, but from a different center. In a way, the answer is no longer only something they think about — it begins to show in how they live, choose, relate, and see.

So maybe the deepest insight does not remove us from life, but returns us to it with a different consciousness.

Sorry this became longer than I intended. :))

Warmly,
Cagla

Cagla wrote: "James wrote: "Hello Cagla, Jasmine,

I wonder if “balance” is perhaps a little too easy as an answer — or at least, easier to describe than to actually live.

How do we truly find that balance? And..."

Dear Cagla, James and A.C.

Your comments inspired me to write a post on "balance":

https://www.goodreads.com/author_blog...

Thank you for being so generous and authentic with your thoughts!

:)

Jasmine

Dr. wrote: "Cagla wrote: "James wrote: "Hello Cagla, Jasmine,

I wonder if “balance” is perhaps a little too easy as an answer — or at least, easier to describe than to actually live.

How do we truly find tha..."

Dear Jasmine,

Thank you so much for this beautiful blog — and for including my words in it. That truly touched me.

I especially liked the way you showed that balance is not something isolated or fixed, but something living, relational, and constantly moving.

Thank you for carrying the conversation forward so beautifully.

With love,
Cagla

Cagla wrote: "Dr. wrote: "Cagla wrote: "James wrote: "Hello Cagla, Jasmine,

I wonder if “balance” is perhaps a little too easy as an answer — or at least, easier to describe than to actually live.

How do we tr..."

:))

Dr. Jasmine wrote:  "I do know that humanity is not heading towards extinction, email me if you would like me to prove it."

Dear Jasmine,

Truth is everywhere.

The only way to avoid it
is to keep seeking it.

You want profundity?
Put 2 truths together.
Think of it as balance:

    "There's a sucker born every minute."  — PT Barnum
    "There's a seeker born every minute."  — Firesign Theater

You have not proven your thesis,
but this gushing mutual admiration
of drawing-room philosophers
has indeed succeeded in amusing the reaper.

Extinction's approach accelerates.

Dr. wrote: "Cagla wrote: "James wrote: "Hello Cagla, Jasmine,

I wonder if “balance” is perhaps a little too easy as an answer — or at least, easier to describe than to actually live.

How do we truly find tha..."

Everything we do, every promise kept or broken, every kindness or careless word, leaves a mark. For some, we become a sacred memory, a light that once shone, even if now it’s only a gentle warmth in the quiet corners of their heart. We may never know the full measure of our influence, but we can choose to walk gently, to offer kindness, and to trust that, somewhere, our presence made a difference.

The Gifts We Share: There are mornings when I sit quietly, not to escape the world, but to listen for the echoes of those who once walked beside me. Friends whose laughter still lingers in the corners of my memory, whose kindness shaped the man I became. They are gone now, at least in body. But in memory, they remain vivid, like sunlight on water, flickering but never lost.

I do not grieve what might have been. I do not ache for unfinished conversations or paths we never walked. What I feel is something quieter, more sacred: gratitude. For the gifts we shared. For the moments that asked nothing of us but presence. For the kind of memory that doesn’t belong to one person, but to the space between two souls.

A shared memory is of more value than an individual one. It is a living thing, held by both, shaped by both, and carried forward even when one hand lets go.

In those memories, I find not sadness, but affirmation. That we mattered to each other. That our time together was not wasted. That kindness, once given, does not die. Grief is a measure of how much someone meant to us, not a burden to be carried.

Lanterns of light: At times when I was tested, fate handed me lanterns of light. They did not banish the darkness, but they gave me enough glow to keep walking. They were lanterns of kindness, of music as medicine, and of grace that I will never forget.

True friendships are rare. They don’t arrive with fanfare. They arrive with effort, with patience, with the quiet courage to stay. I’ve lived a life shaped by misadventure, resilience, and the ripple effect of kindness. And through it all, I’ve learned this: it’s not how many walks beside you, it’s who. And if you’re lucky, even one is enough.

I don’t deny that history leaves marks, I don’t believe it seals fate. Life is free, unless you’re a convict or a prisoner. We all have the ability to change. If you’re surrounded by bad influences, move away. If you’re hungry, seek help. If you’re hurting, speak up. Blaming everything on past events or someone else, won’t solve anything. It will entrench the negative narrative and eventually, your behaviour will follow that script. We’re our own worst enemy sometimes. Doesn’t take much pride to look after the little you’ve been given. Look after yourself. Be the person you want to be. And forgive those that step on you. Forgiveness doesn't mean you forget.

As a child I planted seeds in cracked soil, as an adolescent I watered and tended that garden. For some they grow weeds, I grew flowering plants.

Thanks for spending time reading my thoughts

James

To Rise Above Your Fear: One Season at a Time

James wrote: "That’s an interesting question.

I sometimes think we move through life in stages, each with its own very clear “purpose.” As children, we’re mostly concerned with food and comfort. As teenagers, e..."

I believe you are correct, I see life in Seasons, for me, WINTER — Childhood Betrayal, SPRING — Restless Horizons, SUMMER — Lessons in Resilience, AUTUMN — Whispers of Gratitude

Yes, we move through so many small stages which come with small short term goals which keep changing with age and time. Like our desires. First we cry for toys and then for certificates and degrees, and then for jobs and then for love, and then for peace. Love remains a constant struggle. Its nature keep changes, though. We struggle for sucesss in everything, in love, life and business, and it keeps us going. Our struggle keeps us busy. Happy. On the move.

James wrote: "Dr. wrote: "Cagla wrote: "James wrote: "Hello Cagla, Jasmine,

I wonder if “balance” is perhaps a little too easy as an answer — or at least, easier to describe than to actually live.

How do we tr..."

Hi James :)

So many beautiful thoughts- thank you!

I especially like the image of little lanterns that help one go through dark times; lanterns being people, memories, or something altogether undescribable.

:)

Jasmine

Jamaluddin wrote: "Yes, we move through so many small stages which come with small short term goals which keep changing with age and time. Like our desires. First we cry for tops and then for certificates, degrees, a..."

Hi Jamaluddin :)

" Busy, happy, on the move and in love"? I'd say, remove busy and on the move and you are left with perfection...
sorry couldnt resist this joke!
:)

Jasmine