Sam’s review of House of Flame and Shadow (Crescent City, #3) > Likes and Comments
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I read this so I don't have to read the book. I just know, I KNOW that you and I would have the same opinion here.
Thank you for your service.
Unhinged Summary:
Hello besties, and welcome back to Crescent City, where Byce and Hunt-and ooh, this is embarrassing. You didn’t think we were gonna get straight to the point, did you? Eeesh, not a chance. Let’s dilly dally with some side characters first!
The faerie frat bros and jacob not black go to see the Viper Queen to see if they can save men from the consequences of their own actions. Again. Male Ariel, Tharion, offered to fight in her slumlord coliseum if she would protect him from the River Queen since he fucked around (on her daughter) and found out. But the brotherhood needs him to summon the rebel’s Disney cruise ship so they can use it as a getaway car for rescuing Hunt, Ruhn, and the other one from the Asteri’s prison. And Viper’s like omg, you can totally have your water boy back as long as I get to sit ringside to the fight of the year. The Pauls are busy having babies, whodathunk, so I guess the other Gen Z-er will have to do. And Ithan’s like why are you all looking at me? They all assume he’ll be fighting Ariadne, the dragon shifter who fucked off before her romance could get started last book, but you know what they say about assuming. He’ll actually be fighting Sigrid, the alpha wolf he rescued from the astronomer. And by fighting, I mean oneshotting. Oopsies, she’s dead! and now Ithan feels too emo about it to go on the rescue mission. Oh well, c’est la vie.
Lidia’s still undercover as the Asteri’s favorite torturer because they’re the most oblivious bad guys ever. She slips a healing potion to the boys, so they’ll be ready to flee when the cavalry comes. And Pollux is like is this? sus? And Lidia’s like omg snookums, no! I just thought it would be way more fun if you got to torture them all over again. And Pollux is like you’re so right, Pookie. Wanna watch? And she’s like ah I wish, but I can’t. Cramps. And Pollux is like ew gross, blood! And Sam slow blinks in plot hole at SJM. And SJM is like well, I already implied he was a rapist and THAT didn’t put y’all off him. I had to resort to extreme measures, like misogyny! And Sam’s like I can fix him.
Lidia asks the Asteri if she can borrow the imprisoned fire sprite queen to torture the boys since her blowtorch is out of gas, and they’re like omg, love the creativity. Of course. Lidia asks the sprite to burn her so it’ll look like the prisoners escaped on their own. And the audience is like you mean the exact same plan as the last book? And Lidia shrugs and is like if it ain't broke, don't fix it. And the audience is like it’s been twenty-odd chapters. Surely they’ll be out of jail by the end of part one, considering that’s where we ended book two. And SJM laughs and laughs.
But Hello Feyre darling, it’s time for the crossover event of the decade, and by that I mean Bryce is gonna play Dungeon Crawler Carl with Nesta and Az. Instead of going to Hel, Bryce landed in Acotar because lord knows that series was really struggling to sell copies. Rather than use his mindpowers and interrogate her without her consent and save us oh, 400 odd pages of info dumping, feminist icon Rhysand dumps Bryce and her Nike sponsorship in his dungeon to rot…for all of a paragraph before she escapes through the sewer grate because his castle reused the floor plans from Alligator Alcatraz. And the audience is like Samantha, jail. And Sam’s like yeah. Exactly. Bryce breasts boobily into the tunnels because she’s a human fleshlight-I mean, flashlight. She runs into Nesta and Az, and oh no, there’s a super convenient tunnel collapse, so I guess they’ll just have to follow her glow-bes to the end. And the audience is like Samantha, please. And Sam’s like I haven’t even made a highbeams joke yet. The tunnels lead them to the capital P Prison where SJM decides to retcon history yet again.
The TLDR of it is that the Asteri were farming Acotar world, and the fae, led by this bitch named Theia, got tired of being slaves and decided to overthrow them by collecting the Asteri’s objects of power. And then instead of living peacefully, Theia decided she wanted to conquer other worlds too, so she blew the horn and opened a portal to Crescent City where more of the Asteri were waiting in disguise. The Asteri had released a parasite into Midgard’s water that fed on creatures' magic and made them age like humans unless they made The Drop and thus donated some of their power to the Asteri. Realizing she done fucked up A-aron, Theia blew the horn again and opened a portal to Hel and asked for their help overthrowing the Asteri. Theia’s general, Pelias, betrayed her and went to fight for the Asteri. Theia realized she couldn’t win against them, so she tried to flee back to Acotar with her daughters, but Pelias killed her and only her daughter, Seline, made it back. And Seline said not my circus, not my monkeys and fucked off to be a trad wife after she created the capital P Prison to store all the Asteri’s leftover monsters. She also left behind her star magic, and Bryce absorbs it.
But oopsies! Theia failed to mention she had an Asteri buried under the floorboards of the prison. When they discover her, Bryce frees her and is like hey girl, hey! How do I kill you? And the Asteri is like kick rocks, so Bryce stabs her with the starsword and Azriel’s dagger and this weakens her, but doesn’t kill her. And then Nesta gets impatient and knifes a bitch. And Bryce is like why did you do that? We don’t know how to kill her now. And the audience is like she’s dead, ain’t she? Just do that. Borrow Nesta. Bribe her with Cassian’s sweaty old dick. And Bryce is like gross! Well, now that I’m charged up with extra star power, I can open a portal whenever I want, and I’m going home to MY sweaty dick. Peace!
And by her sweaty dick, she obviously meant her dad, the autumn king. Duh. What? Oh, I’m sorry, did you think we were finally gonna get around to this episode of Prison Break? You know what, just for you, I’ll skip ahead.
Who would win? Every guard in the city, or Temu Manon and a Jeep? Thankfully stormtroopers have better aim than Crescent City’s goons, so the boys escape without a scratch. Lidia forgot her penis at home though, so she’s forced to transform into a deer and lead the definitely not Nazis on a chase up a cliff. Too bad she didn't have an off-roading vehicle at her disposal, you know? And she’s like welp, I’ve lived long enough, and yeets herself off a cliff. And SJM is like she’s dead! And the audience is like lmao, sure, Jan.
Then SJM remembers that Ithan’s supposed to have a compelling side plot, so she sends him to the Bone Quarter to ask Jesiba to find him a necromancer to bring Sigrid back from the dead. And Sam’s like see! This right here is exactly why no one gives a fuck when you kill anyone off, Sarah. And Jesiba’s like sure, I'll find you a Dr. Frankenstein, but you have to be my new shop assistant since Bryce no called no showed. And the audience is like sweet, new character unlocked! And Hypaxia’s like hey, how y'all doin’? And the audience is like isn't she a little busy being the queen of the witches and scissoring the mayor? And Hypaxia’s like omg no. I broke up with her as soon as I found out she betrayed my besties. Hoes before..hoes, you know? And the other witches staged a coup anyway. I’m a nerd. I never passed gym class. What did you expect me to do, fight back? And Jesiba, with her eye twitching, is like yes. Like exactly that. And Hypaxia’s like oops, my bad. But at least now my sched is like totally free to help you raise the dead! I’ve always wanted a zombie dog. Maybe Bryce and I can have puppy playdates now!
King Einar is like young lady, I explicitly told you you weren't allowed to try to overthrow our evil alien overlords. You are so grounded. And Bryce is like ugh, dad, you're so stupid. You don’t know anything! Especially not about ancient fae artifacts, right? And he’s like actually, smartass, I know that when the starsword and stardagger unite, they make a portal to nowhere. And you would know that too if you ever bothered to study in Avallen’s libraries, but it’s no girls allowed, so you can't. Ha. Ha. And Bryce is like omg totally. Wouldn't want my pesky vagina to contaminate the books.
Speaking of books, Jesiba finally reveals why she’s plot relevant. She worked as a librarian for the human civilization that existed on Midgard before the Asteri came to power. She was cursed by Apollion, one of the princes of Hel, to live forever or until he learned how to read. He’s the prince that ate one of the Asteri, so when he cursed her, she absorbed some of the magic because…And Sarah’s like god, just don't think about it too hard! Jesiba’s not a Capricorn, so she’s been paying the astronomer to try and figure out how to undo her curse because she’s tired of living. And Sam’s like sound familiar? Dial 988 and speak to a representative today! And the audience is like jail? But like that is the number, so…either way, she’s going to Hel.
And Bryce is like ugh, pipe down. I’m working on it! She uses the universal key Ruhn had in his teenage bedroom to slip her anti-magic cuffs and slaps them on daddy dearest instead. And the audience is like kinky. And Sarah’s like no, no. It’s actually very sad. Ruhn only had that key to escape his dad’s punishments. And Sam’s like I get it. He and Lidia are traumatized vanilla soulmates. Now bring the blond, to mama. And Sarah’s like heard!
Back on board The Celebration, they use Hunt’s lightning to defibrillate Lidia back to life. And she’s like omg Ruhn, I have a secret to tell you. I’m a mommy! And Ruhn’s like uhuh, mommy. And Lidia’s like I’m a mom. And Ruhn with fingerguns is like mamacita. And she’s like no, I’m a mommy. And he’s like a mom of what? A dog? That’s cool. Bryce has one too- And Lidia’s like of twins. And Sam’s like you know what, I genuinely didn’t see that coming.
The Ocean Queen tells the gang that both the Viper and River Queens are calling for Tharion’s head, so she asks them what’s to stop her from handing him over? And Bryce is like me, bitch! And teleports back into the plot. She asks to hitch a ride to Avallen so they can do some more book learnin’, and she sends the sprites they saved from the astronomer off to find their queen, who went missing during the jailbreak.
Avallen is surrounded by mists that the Asteri can’t break through. They’re all powerful aliens except when it comes to a little water vapor. Luckily Bryce’s starsword is able to pierce the veil, and they’re granted an audience with King Morven, Cormac’s dad. Bryce is like hey girl hey, would you pretty please let all the civilians flee to your kingdom so that they’ll be protected from the fallout when we go to fight the Asteri? And Morven is like sure thing, princess, but any women who come here need to be married off, including Flynn’s sister, Sathia. We can’t let the females just muck about. Am I obviously evil enough yet? And the audience is like yup. Torch him, Brycey. And SJM is like we can’t just kill a king…yet. Tharion, you don’t have a redeeming quality, how about you take one for the team and enter a marriage of convenience? And he’s like ugh, fine, but she better be hot- I mean, I’m just doing what I want to do to my sister- I mean, for my sister- I mean, what I would want someone else who is definitely not blood-related to do to my sister. And Samantha laughs in backwater romance.
Hypaxia manages to resurrect Sigrid, but rather than be stuck in thrall to her, Sigrid chooses to become a reaper and serve the Underking. And Ithan’s like this is exactly why we can’t be letting females have agency! She’s like probably evil now. We have to undo this! And Jesiba’s like again? Well, I guess we could try and use a thunderbird’s power to hard reset her soul and let her make the choice to be a reaper or a thrall again. A Sofie’s choice if you will. And the audience is like Samantha, jail. Too bad all the thunderbirds are dead. And Ithan blinks at her. And she’s like okay, we can try and resurrect Sofie, but she’s been dead for so long that we’ll only get one shot. We’ll need her body though, and that’s on Avallen for reasons, so I guess we’re setting sail.
Bryce and crew go to Avallen’s library to do research and realize that Avallen used to be a series of islands from some pre-Asteri maps. And then, as a reward for making it halfway through this goddamn book, somebody finally gets laid.
Hunt electrocutes Bryce’s cervix, really wish I was kidding, and they realize they can share powers, but at least they’re not teleporting every time they nut now. Bryce and crew go to explore the caves where Ruhn originally found the starsword in case he missed something plot relevant. They leave the frat boys and Lidia behind to flirt- I mean, do research in the library.
Ruhn’s too busy trying to get his dick wet with Lidia, so he doesn't notice the dads of the year kidnapping the frat boys and taking them into the caves to threaten Bryce. They're like come back to the castle now, or we’ll kill your friends. And Bryce shrugs and is like if it ain't broke, don't fix it. So, SJM repeats all of part one and triggers another cave-in that will force them to reach the end of the tunnels. This chamber was made by Theia’s other daughter, Helena, and she made it out of black salt so that she could use it to summon demons. In true party girl fashion, Bryce licks the salt, takes a shot of cave water, and since there’s no lime, she’ll have to chase it with Hunt instead. Surprise! They’re communing with Hel, and Apollion’s like took you long enough, son.
The Asteri start randomly bombing the Crescent City civilians, so Ithan and Hypaxia detour to help with rescue efforts. Ruhn pulls his head out of Lidia’s ass just long enough to realize his bros are missing, so they head to the caves to save them.
Hunt’s like please tell me you’re not my dad. And the Hel princes are like only in the loosest sense. Our Helfyre can kill Asteri, but when we tried to breed it into demons, it downgraded into lightning. That’s how y’all got Thunderbirds. Hunt’s dad was an angel ornithologist researching the birds, and it led to him summoning us. We explained how the Asteri were intergalactic parasites and that we were trying to fight them. We knew Helena was fertile, so her magic would pass down through her descendants, but we also knew that descendant would need someone to charge up her magic so she could save the world. Luckily, your dad was down to knock a bitch up to save the world. And Sam’s like so sorry to interrupt, but I'm still failing to see how the lightning powers got into Hunt if he’s a purebred angel-And Sarah’s like idk magic? And Sam's like I hate it here.
The Hel princes are like so basically, we selectively bred Hunt so that he could give you universe-saving backshots. Now stop fucking around, and go collect the rest of Theia’s power. When you get all three pieces, you’ll be able to unite the sword and dagger and make portals to nowhere that you can send the Asteri through, thereby saving our world. Any questions? And Sam’s like I've got a few. And SJM is like too bad, moving on!
Bryce and Hunt come to, and the fae kings have their friends surrounded because, I guess, everyone else forgot how to fight in the interim. And Bryce is like, I know I thought the fae were past a redemption arc, but I've changed my mind since remembering there are people outside of my immediate blood relation that aren’t dicks! So patricide it is. And Ruhn is like whoa, no need to dirty your hands, sis. The bloodline ends with me. And Bryce is like gross, I just thought you were gonna get like a vasectomy or something. And Ruhn’s like omg me too, but turns out my girlfriend’s a MILF, so I guess I’ve got no chocie but to off my dad. Gotta fulfill those pesky little prophecies, you know? And Bryce is like sweet, I'll get the other one, and kills Morven and becomes queen of the fae.
So now that the kings are dead, Bryce can open the chamber with the star weapons and absorb the last of Theia’s magic. Now that the land doesn't have to contain all that hidden magic, the islands spring back up, plants start growing again, and like more importantly, cell service is back. Bryce gets a text and learns that the Asteri have bombed Crescent City.
The squad decides they're going to evacuate the civilians to Avallen while Bryce and Hunt go to the Northern Rift and use her horn to open the gate to Hel. To keep the Asteri busy, they’ll release the footage of Bryce killing Micah, the old mayor, so the civilians lean they've been lied to about immortality, and the Asteri will be too busy managing that media shitstorm to stop them. And Sam's like your weapon is bad press? Grow up.
Ithan and Hypaxia show up to Avallen, but Sofie’s body is long gone. They’re gonna try and use some of Hunt’s lightning instead. They’ll put it inside a crystal, just like the Asteri did while he was in jail. Bryce asks Hypaxia to create an antidote to the water parasite, so they can deworm the civilians. And the audience is like you can't just develop a vaccine overnight- And Hypaxia’s like done! I’m a woman in STEM. What’s your superpower? But the not!Ivermectin needs to be made with Hunt’s lightning, or it’ll destabilize, or like some other science stuff, so don't shake the baby. And the audience is like- And Samantha’s like this book is 900 pages. Just go with it. I'm begging you.
They test the dewormer on Ithan, and he spontaneously develops ice powers. And Ithan’s like this is great news! I’ll run a vaccine clinic and show the other wolves that Sabine isn’t the most powerful, so she shouldn't be their leader. This can't possibly backfire!
Spoiler alert, it backfires! He tries to convince the wolves to accept Sigrid as their new leader, and Sabine’s like lmao why would you listen to him? He killed Sigrid, and he’ll kill all of you too. Don’t believe me? I have video evidence, courtesy of the Viper Queen. But keep me in power, and I’ll save Sigrid from the Underking. I’ll get the astronomer to move her from the House of Flame and Shadow back to the House of Earth and Blood, and I'll make her my heir. But then the Prime, the leader of the wolves, is like quit your yappin’, bitch. And Sam’s like that’s not an insult, that’s just what she is. And the Prime is like I’m making Ithan my new heir. Get fucked, Sabine. So Sabine kills her dad, and Sigrid eats his soul. Then Sigrid kills the astronomer, and Ithan kills Sabine. Phew, that’s a lot of death…unless? And Sarah’s like not his book, besties. And Ithan’s like fuck, I didn’t want to be in charge! I just wanted to sport. Ball is life, you know?
Bryce takes her parents to the Northern Rift because she needs her stepdad’s survival expertise to open the gate. And the audience is like that makes zero sense. And SJM is like shh, let her cook. When they get to the outpost, they see surveillance footage of the Harpy murdering all the guards, and they’re like ohhh, the Asteri used Hunt’s lightning to resurrect the Harpy. That makes sense. Well, we'd better open the gate to Hel before she finds us, right, Bryce? And Bryce is like haha, totally! So Hunt beats it up from the back in front of her parents, and she opens the gate to Nesta reading smut in her living room. And Sam’s like oh, my personal Hel. Got it.
But we’ll come back to that. We’ve gotta mess around with some side characters again! Ruhn and Lidia go to Crescent City to rescue Isaiah and Nadia, and the audience is like disrespectfully, who? And Sarah is like Celestina‘s angel guards, duh! Tharion and his new wife go to ask the River Queen to shelter civilians underwater. And Samantha blinks in submarines and air bubbles. And Sarah's like shut up, you're ruining it! Tharion says he will divorce and marry the River Queen's daughter after the war if she helps. And the queen is like lmao no. My daughter isn’t marrying trash like you. I’ll help, though, because I’ve been a rebel against the Asteri this whole time. That’s why I wanted Sofie and her brother last book.
Bryce is like hey girl, hey. I need to borrow your accessories so I can save the world, but I promise I'll give them back so there's not a gaping, overpowered plot hole in your series, too! You can take my parents as collateral. See you in the epilogue, Nesta! Peace!
Then the Harpy attacks with Celestina, Isaiah, and Naomi in tow because Ruhn and Lidia are once again useless at their jobs, but it’s chill because Bryce puts the mask on, which gives her control over death, and she’s able to insta-kill the Harpy. But then she takes it off because we wouldn't have much of a book otherwise, silly. Can’t make it too easy when every character is the most powerful character ever!
Lidia gets a text that Pollux has kidnapped her sons, and Sam salivates in competency kink. And Sarah’s like um, ew? He’s a sadist? And Sam’s like you told me he took over a ship the size of a city by his lonesome. Everyone else in this book has done jack. And Sarah's like but he’s evil! And Sam’s like don’t give him lines like ‘I’m gonna fuck the disrespect out of you’ then. Some of us are brats. And Sarah's like you need therapy. And Sam’s like okay miss Hunt’s dick is so big, it doesn’t fit in underwear. And Sarah’s like that’s different. And Sam’s like you had him get out of the shower with an audible third leg. Bite me.
Celestina says she and her guards were tracking the Harpy to kill her and save the city. She’s a good guy! And Hunt’s like a good guy? Just like last book? And she’s like omg, I feel really bad about betraying you. And Hunt’s like bullshit. Hunt smash! And then he gets magic laser tattoo removal because the Asteri’s curses don’t work on princes of Hel. And the audience is like but he’s not a prince of Hel. And Sarah’s like but like kinda though. And Sam's like the tattoo should KINDA work on him then. And Sarah's like and it did! You know, until he remembered that he was Kenough and was willing to accept his tragic backstory and unlock all his powers. And Sam's like I hate it here.
But Bryce stops Hunt and asks him not to kill Celestina, and he’s like you're a hypocrite because you killed Morven, but k. Bryce is gonna use the death mask to raise all the fallen angels that died during Hunt’s original rebellion. And the audience is like cool, cool, cool, but they don't have bodies. And Bryce is like are you sure about that? Super convenient all those super suits that we didn’t manage to stop the manufacturing of in book two are just lying around. Empty. Sure would suck if some Asteri-hating angel ghosts filled them. And even Sam’s like okay, that’s clever. We need Isaiah and Naomi to lead the ghost angel army, and we need Celestina to keep her lavender husband, Ephraim, who’s still loyal to the Asteri, busy during the attack so he doesn’t wipe out our armies. And speaking of armies, let’s finally open the gate to Hel and collect another one.
Ithan still doesn't have his priorities in check, so he asks the Underking if he can talk to his dead brother, Connor, really quick. He’s like hey bro, how should I lead the packs? And Connor rolls his eyes and hands him a bullet. And Ithan’s like use your words, bro. And the Underking is like lol he can’t. My rules. And anyways, time’s up. And Ithan’s like that’s not fair! And the Underking is like I’m evil. Hel will freeze over before you get one over on me. And Ithan’s like heard! and uses his ice powers to freeze the Underking, and then Hypaxia smashes him. And Jesiba’s like ooo, tough luck, bestie. You break it, you bought it. You’re now queen of the underworld. Awkward! But at least now you can tell the dead dog to speak. So Connor says all the dead souls got together and put their remaining life force, their secondlight, into the bullet, so that Bryce would have a good weapon against the Asteri. And the audience is like you know there’s like 8 of them, right? The math ain’t mathin’. And Jesiba’s like here, that bullet will fit my gun from the first book. Bryce already knows how to use it.
After evacuating Crescent City, Tharion gets confronted by the Viper Queen and one of her random fae thralls, some dude Sathia knows named Colin who used to be her guard, but he went to work for the Viper Queen after Sathia’s dad refused to let them date. Hypaxia and Ithan interrupt their showdown, and they’re like we need to get these antidotes and bullet to Bryce asap. Tharion, swallow this, and use your boosted powers to water taxi us there. And Sathia’s like thanks for the assist, hubs, but I’m actually gonna ditch you for my ex. Good luck with the whole saving the world thing though!
Bryce and Hunt go back to the Asteri’s palace so they can use the mask to reanimate the fallen angels’ wings that decorate the throne room and shove them into the super suits. Rigelus, the leader of the Asteri, spots them and is like nice try, dumbasses. We stationed the Harpy up North so we would know when you were coming. Our army is marching on Hel right now. Guess your dad didn’t yell at you for leaving the door open enough, huh Bryce? And she’s like ugh, you’re so right. I’m literally just a girl! We better teleport back to the princes and warn them.
Lidia’s like I know a foolproof way to find my sons! So she drags Ruhn to the Asteri’s palace so they can ask Chat GPT-I mean, the mystics where her sons are. Pollux has them trapped in the heart of the palace with the Asteri’s main power source, the firstlight core. And Ruhn’s like well, we can’t just rush in. That’s definitely a trap. And Lidia’s like I don't care! And Ruhn’s like well, I do! I can’t let Pollux hurt you again! So…I’ll do it myself and shoots her in the leg. And Lidia’s like dude, wtf? And he’s like Lidia, I know you’re a professional killer, but leave the heroics to the men, okay? You’re MUCH safer lying prone and bleeding out in the den of the universe’s apex predators. #I’m a feminist. Just like my cousin. And the audience is like where’s Sam? And SJM is like don’t mind her, she’s just screaming into the void again. Happens.
So Bryce and Hunt pop over to the Hel princes’ war tent, and Aidas is like lmao, this is not my first rodeo. I left half my army behind to defend Hel. If the Asteri want to stop us, they’ll have to come down and fight us themselves. And then everybody was kung fu fighting. Bryce can use the starsword and dagger to open portals to nowhere- aka mini blackholes- as long as Hunt charges them with his lightning. Teamwork makes the dreamwork as long as they’re a cis, straight couple, right Sarah? Bryce manages to kill one of the NPC Asteri, but she’s running out of magic fast, so they teleport back into the place. If they can destroy the firstlight core, the Asteri will be powerless and way easier to fight.
Pollux finds Ruhn and Lidia, and is like you fools! This was totally a trap. And Ruhn’s like see, told you. And Pollux is like teachable moment, kids. This is why you should never rely on AI to do your research for you because that information may not be correct. I told the mystics to lie to you. Obviously, your sons aren’t at the core. I’m not a monster. They’re being babysat by some absolute angels, so I can kill them in front of you. Duh! And Sarah’s like there! Do you have the ick yet? And Sam’s like…And Sarah’s like oh c’mon! Ruhn’s like don’t worry, babe. I’ll sacrifice myself for your sons. And Sam’s like well, now you’re just trying to make me like him. And Tharion’s like speaking of useless males, I come bearing gifts. Now, I know Hypaxia told me not to break the medicine, but I didn't have my listening ears on, so I only have enough for you and Lidia. And she’s like eh, good enough. Fire deer beats bird boy any day. What’s your safeword, Pollux? And he’s like is this my swan song? And Sam’s like I’m actually very funny. I took Latin for 5 years. I’ve been sitting on that joke all series. And the audience facepalms while Lidia fries some chicken and Sam boos. Lidia asks Ruhn to evacuate her sons while she barbecues some Nazis, and apparently, that wasn’t enough firepower, so the sprites return just in time to blow up the Asteri’s weapons.
Hunt starts using his lighting powers to try and void the warranty on the Asteri’s iHome charging dock, while Bryce teleports them out of Rigelus’s reach. They run out of magic, but Ithan charges in. And Rigelus is like are you really bringing a gun to a magic fight? And Bryce is like I might not be a good enough shot to hit you, but that core’s a pretty huge target. And Rigelus is like well, joke’s on you because if you break the core, you break the world. And Bryce is like omg, so funny that you think a millennial wants to live! Here honey, catch. So she tosses Hunt the mask, and then shoots the core which opens a black hole. Rigelus magicblasts her, and Bryce is haha, that tickles. And the audience is like uh-? And SJM is like well, the Asteri use firstlight. Bryce was able to channel firstlight from the city gates in the first book, remember? The Asteri are basically just living gates. Their magic can’t hurt her, silly. And Sam’s like I’m too lazy to flip back and see if any of their blasts hit her before, but it stinks of bullshit in here.
And Bryce is like could we get back to the plot hole at hand here? Like there’s a literal hole in the plot. A black one. And the audience is like Samantha, jail. But now that Rigelus’s magic charged her up, Bryce can blow the horn and open a second portal that all the Asteri and the first black hole fall into. And with so much hole on hole action going on, Bryce falls in too.
Hunt’s like we have to evacuate everyone so they don’t get sucked into the black hole! And the Hel princes are like nah, it’ll close as soon as the first hole devours Bryce. She sacrificed herself to save the world. Isn’t that beautiful? And Hunt’s like don’t be stupid. I’m rescuing my wife. My wings may not work in space, but the super suits’ jetpacks will. Luckily the ghost of his ex-girlfriend is just hanging around, and she’s like hey baby, want a ride? And Sam’s like is this cheating? And SJM is like she’s dying! And the audience is like this is why you can’t date a guy who’s friends with his ex. So with Hunt inserted into the girl he outgrew, he can fly into space to save Bryce. And the death mask just stops him from needing oxygen. And the Hel princes can just catch his lightning like a spacewalk tether. And the audience is like but like HOW though? And Sam’s like just let it END!
So they yank Bryce out of space, and because Hunt’s magic nut is still inside her because Bryce said raw, next question, and no one in this universe has heard of a shower or a post-sex piss- And the audience is like you’re actually joking. And Sam’s like look me in the eye and show me when I've joked about magic jizz. But since they exchanged bodily fluids, they also exchanged powers and Hunt can close the portal and save the world. His girlfriend’s still dead though, so that sucks. And the audience is like just skip to her resurrection, Sarah. We know you’re not killing your super magical special girl. Jesiba’s like hey girl hey! Remember me? I’ll transfer my curse of immortality to Bryce.
So yay, the day is saved, and all they have left to do is reestablish the government, but that’s a problem for NPCs. Bryce ships the demons back to Hel through the Northern Rift. They go without fuss because? And SJM is like because they’re good guys, duh! Nesta exchanges Bryce’s parents for the mask, dagger, and bonus starsword because Acotar clearly needed more super special weapons with lengthy backstories. As queen of the fae, Bryce disbands the monarchy and gives Princess Mia a run for her money by turning the vacation castles into orphanages. Ruhn and Lidia buy the apartment directly below Bryce and Hunt because they have separation anxiety, and the HOA is already dreading the noise complaints. Thunder isn’t angels bowling, but the storm’s not the only thing a’coming. And the audience is like Samantha, jail. Bryce inherits Jesiba’s magic books and opens her own gallery with the sprites, and Jelly Jubilee’s predecessors reinfect Avallen’s lands because friendship really is magic.
See y’all again for book four!
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I read this so I don't have to read the book. I just know, I KNOW that you and I would have the same opinion here. Thank you for your service.
Unhinged Summary:Hello besties, and welcome back to Crescent City, where Byce and Hunt-and ooh, this is embarrassing. You didn’t think we were gonna get straight to the point, did you? Eeesh, not a chance. Let’s dilly dally with some side characters first!
The faerie frat bros and jacob not black go to see the Viper Queen to see if they can save men from the consequences of their own actions. Again. Male Ariel, Tharion, offered to fight in her slumlord coliseum if she would protect him from the River Queen since he fucked around (on her daughter) and found out. But the brotherhood needs him to summon the rebel’s Disney cruise ship so they can use it as a getaway car for rescuing Hunt, Ruhn, and the other one from the Asteri’s prison. And Viper’s like omg, you can totally have your water boy back as long as I get to sit ringside to the fight of the year. The Pauls are busy having babies, whodathunk, so I guess the other Gen Z-er will have to do. And Ithan’s like why are you all looking at me? They all assume he’ll be fighting Ariadne, the dragon shifter who fucked off before her romance could get started last book, but you know what they say about assuming. He’ll actually be fighting Sigrid, the alpha wolf he rescued from the astronomer. And by fighting, I mean oneshotting. Oopsies, she’s dead! and now Ithan feels too emo about it to go on the rescue mission. Oh well, c’est la vie.
Lidia’s still undercover as the Asteri’s favorite torturer because they’re the most oblivious bad guys ever. She slips a healing potion to the boys, so they’ll be ready to flee when the cavalry comes. And Pollux is like is this? sus? And Lidia’s like omg snookums, no! I just thought it would be way more fun if you got to torture them all over again. And Pollux is like you’re so right, Pookie. Wanna watch? And she’s like ah I wish, but I can’t. Cramps. And Pollux is like ew gross, blood! And Sam slow blinks in plot hole at SJM. And SJM is like well, I already implied he was a rapist and THAT didn’t put y’all off him. I had to resort to extreme measures, like misogyny! And Sam’s like I can fix him.
Lidia asks the Asteri if she can borrow the imprisoned fire sprite queen to torture the boys since her blowtorch is out of gas, and they’re like omg, love the creativity. Of course. Lidia asks the sprite to burn her so it’ll look like the prisoners escaped on their own. And the audience is like you mean the exact same plan as the last book? And Lidia shrugs and is like if it ain't broke, don't fix it. And the audience is like it’s been twenty-odd chapters. Surely they’ll be out of jail by the end of part one, considering that’s where we ended book two. And SJM laughs and laughs.
But Hello Feyre darling, it’s time for the crossover event of the decade, and by that I mean Bryce is gonna play Dungeon Crawler Carl with Nesta and Az. Instead of going to Hel, Bryce landed in Acotar because lord knows that series was really struggling to sell copies. Rather than use his mindpowers and interrogate her without her consent and save us oh, 400 odd pages of info dumping, feminist icon Rhysand dumps Bryce and her Nike sponsorship in his dungeon to rot…for all of a paragraph before she escapes through the sewer grate because his castle reused the floor plans from Alligator Alcatraz. And the audience is like Samantha, jail. And Sam’s like yeah. Exactly. Bryce breasts boobily into the tunnels because she’s a human fleshlight-I mean, flashlight. She runs into Nesta and Az, and oh no, there’s a super convenient tunnel collapse, so I guess they’ll just have to follow her glow-bes to the end. And the audience is like Samantha, please. And Sam’s like I haven’t even made a highbeams joke yet. The tunnels lead them to the capital P Prison where SJM decides to retcon history yet again.The TLDR of it is that the Asteri were farming Acotar world, and the fae, led by this bitch named Theia, got tired of being slaves and decided to overthrow them by collecting the Asteri’s objects of power. And then instead of living peacefully, Theia decided she wanted to conquer other worlds too, so she blew the horn and opened a portal to Crescent City where more of the Asteri were waiting in disguise. The Asteri had released a parasite into Midgard’s water that fed on creatures' magic and made them age like humans unless they made The Drop and thus donated some of their power to the Asteri. Realizing she done fucked up A-aron, Theia blew the horn again and opened a portal to Hel and asked for their help overthrowing the Asteri. Theia’s general, Pelias, betrayed her and went to fight for the Asteri. Theia realized she couldn’t win against them, so she tried to flee back to Acotar with her daughters, but Pelias killed her and only her daughter, Seline, made it back. And Seline said not my circus, not my monkeys and fucked off to be a trad wife after she created the capital P Prison to store all the Asteri’s leftover monsters. She also left behind her star magic, and Bryce absorbs it.
But oopsies! Theia failed to mention she had an Asteri buried under the floorboards of the prison. When they discover her, Bryce frees her and is like hey girl, hey! How do I kill you? And the Asteri is like kick rocks, so Bryce stabs her with the starsword and Azriel’s dagger and this weakens her, but doesn’t kill her. And then Nesta gets impatient and knifes a bitch. And Bryce is like why did you do that? We don’t know how to kill her now. And the audience is like she’s dead, ain’t she? Just do that. Borrow Nesta. Bribe her with Cassian’s sweaty old dick. And Bryce is like gross! Well, now that I’m charged up with extra star power, I can open a portal whenever I want, and I’m going home to MY sweaty dick. Peace!
And by her sweaty dick, she obviously meant her dad, the autumn king. Duh. What? Oh, I’m sorry, did you think we were finally gonna get around to this episode of Prison Break? You know what, just for you, I’ll skip ahead.
Who would win? Every guard in the city, or Temu Manon and a Jeep? Thankfully stormtroopers have better aim than Crescent City’s goons, so the boys escape without a scratch. Lidia forgot her penis at home though, so she’s forced to transform into a deer and lead the definitely not Nazis on a chase up a cliff. Too bad she didn't have an off-roading vehicle at her disposal, you know? And she’s like welp, I’ve lived long enough, and yeets herself off a cliff. And SJM is like she’s dead! And the audience is like lmao, sure, Jan.
Then SJM remembers that Ithan’s supposed to have a compelling side plot, so she sends him to the Bone Quarter to ask Jesiba to find him a necromancer to bring Sigrid back from the dead. And Sam’s like see! This right here is exactly why no one gives a fuck when you kill anyone off, Sarah. And Jesiba’s like sure, I'll find you a Dr. Frankenstein, but you have to be my new shop assistant since Bryce no called no showed. And the audience is like sweet, new character unlocked! And Hypaxia’s like hey, how y'all doin’? And the audience is like isn't she a little busy being the queen of the witches and scissoring the mayor? And Hypaxia’s like omg no. I broke up with her as soon as I found out she betrayed my besties. Hoes before..hoes, you know? And the other witches staged a coup anyway. I’m a nerd. I never passed gym class. What did you expect me to do, fight back? And Jesiba, with her eye twitching, is like yes. Like exactly that. And Hypaxia’s like oops, my bad. But at least now my sched is like totally free to help you raise the dead! I’ve always wanted a zombie dog. Maybe Bryce and I can have puppy playdates now!King Einar is like young lady, I explicitly told you you weren't allowed to try to overthrow our evil alien overlords. You are so grounded. And Bryce is like ugh, dad, you're so stupid. You don’t know anything! Especially not about ancient fae artifacts, right? And he’s like actually, smartass, I know that when the starsword and stardagger unite, they make a portal to nowhere. And you would know that too if you ever bothered to study in Avallen’s libraries, but it’s no girls allowed, so you can't. Ha. Ha. And Bryce is like omg totally. Wouldn't want my pesky vagina to contaminate the books.
Speaking of books, Jesiba finally reveals why she’s plot relevant. She worked as a librarian for the human civilization that existed on Midgard before the Asteri came to power. She was cursed by Apollion, one of the princes of Hel, to live forever or until he learned how to read. He’s the prince that ate one of the Asteri, so when he cursed her, she absorbed some of the magic because…And Sarah’s like god, just don't think about it too hard! Jesiba’s not a Capricorn, so she’s been paying the astronomer to try and figure out how to undo her curse because she’s tired of living. And Sam’s like sound familiar? Dial 988 and speak to a representative today! And the audience is like jail? But like that is the number, so…either way, she’s going to Hel.
And Bryce is like ugh, pipe down. I’m working on it! She uses the universal key Ruhn had in his teenage bedroom to slip her anti-magic cuffs and slaps them on daddy dearest instead. And the audience is like kinky. And Sarah’s like no, no. It’s actually very sad. Ruhn only had that key to escape his dad’s punishments. And Sam’s like I get it. He and Lidia are traumatized vanilla soulmates. Now bring the blond, to mama. And Sarah’s like heard!
Back on board The Celebration, they use Hunt’s lightning to defibrillate Lidia back to life. And she’s like omg Ruhn, I have a secret to tell you. I’m a mommy! And Ruhn’s like uhuh, mommy. And Lidia’s like I’m a mom. And Ruhn with fingerguns is like mamacita. And she’s like no, I’m a mommy. And he’s like a mom of what? A dog? That’s cool. Bryce has one too- And Lidia’s like of twins. And Sam’s like you know what, I genuinely didn’t see that coming.
The Ocean Queen tells the gang that both the Viper and River Queens are calling for Tharion’s head, so she asks them what’s to stop her from handing him over? And Bryce is like me, bitch! And teleports back into the plot. She asks to hitch a ride to Avallen so they can do some more book learnin’, and she sends the sprites they saved from the astronomer off to find their queen, who went missing during the jailbreak.
Avallen is surrounded by mists that the Asteri can’t break through. They’re all powerful aliens except when it comes to a little water vapor. Luckily Bryce’s starsword is able to pierce the veil, and they’re granted an audience with King Morven, Cormac’s dad. Bryce is like hey girl hey, would you pretty please let all the civilians flee to your kingdom so that they’ll be protected from the fallout when we go to fight the Asteri? And Morven is like sure thing, princess, but any women who come here need to be married off, including Flynn’s sister, Sathia. We can’t let the females just muck about. Am I obviously evil enough yet? And the audience is like yup. Torch him, Brycey. And SJM is like we can’t just kill a king…yet. Tharion, you don’t have a redeeming quality, how about you take one for the team and enter a marriage of convenience? And he’s like ugh, fine, but she better be hot- I mean, I’m just doing what I want to do to my sister- I mean, for my sister- I mean, what I would want someone else who is definitely not blood-related to do to my sister. And Samantha laughs in backwater romance.Hypaxia manages to resurrect Sigrid, but rather than be stuck in thrall to her, Sigrid chooses to become a reaper and serve the Underking. And Ithan’s like this is exactly why we can’t be letting females have agency! She’s like probably evil now. We have to undo this! And Jesiba’s like again? Well, I guess we could try and use a thunderbird’s power to hard reset her soul and let her make the choice to be a reaper or a thrall again. A Sofie’s choice if you will. And the audience is like Samantha, jail. Too bad all the thunderbirds are dead. And Ithan blinks at her. And she’s like okay, we can try and resurrect Sofie, but she’s been dead for so long that we’ll only get one shot. We’ll need her body though, and that’s on Avallen for reasons, so I guess we’re setting sail.
Bryce and crew go to Avallen’s library to do research and realize that Avallen used to be a series of islands from some pre-Asteri maps. And then, as a reward for making it halfway through this goddamn book, somebody finally gets laid.
Hunt electrocutes Bryce’s cervix, really wish I was kidding, and they realize they can share powers, but at least they’re not teleporting every time they nut now. Bryce and crew go to explore the caves where Ruhn originally found the starsword in case he missed something plot relevant. They leave the frat boys and Lidia behind to flirt- I mean, do research in the library.
Ruhn’s too busy trying to get his dick wet with Lidia, so he doesn't notice the dads of the year kidnapping the frat boys and taking them into the caves to threaten Bryce. They're like come back to the castle now, or we’ll kill your friends. And Bryce shrugs and is like if it ain't broke, don't fix it. So, SJM repeats all of part one and triggers another cave-in that will force them to reach the end of the tunnels. This chamber was made by Theia’s other daughter, Helena, and she made it out of black salt so that she could use it to summon demons. In true party girl fashion, Bryce licks the salt, takes a shot of cave water, and since there’s no lime, she’ll have to chase it with Hunt instead. Surprise! They’re communing with Hel, and Apollion’s like took you long enough, son.
The Asteri start randomly bombing the Crescent City civilians, so Ithan and Hypaxia detour to help with rescue efforts. Ruhn pulls his head out of Lidia’s ass just long enough to realize his bros are missing, so they head to the caves to save them.
Hunt’s like please tell me you’re not my dad. And the Hel princes are like only in the loosest sense. Our Helfyre can kill Asteri, but when we tried to breed it into demons, it downgraded into lightning. That’s how y’all got Thunderbirds. Hunt’s dad was an angel ornithologist researching the birds, and it led to him summoning us. We explained how the Asteri were intergalactic parasites and that we were trying to fight them. We knew Helena was fertile, so her magic would pass down through her descendants, but we also knew that descendant would need someone to charge up her magic so she could save the world. Luckily, your dad was down to knock a bitch up to save the world. And Sam’s like so sorry to interrupt, but I'm still failing to see how the lightning powers got into Hunt if he’s a purebred angel-And Sarah’s like idk magic? And Sam's like I hate it here.
The Hel princes are like so basically, we selectively bred Hunt so that he could give you universe-saving backshots. Now stop fucking around, and go collect the rest of Theia’s power. When you get all three pieces, you’ll be able to unite the sword and dagger and make portals to nowhere that you can send the Asteri through, thereby saving our world. Any questions? And Sam’s like I've got a few. And SJM is like too bad, moving on!Bryce and Hunt come to, and the fae kings have their friends surrounded because, I guess, everyone else forgot how to fight in the interim. And Bryce is like, I know I thought the fae were past a redemption arc, but I've changed my mind since remembering there are people outside of my immediate blood relation that aren’t dicks! So patricide it is. And Ruhn is like whoa, no need to dirty your hands, sis. The bloodline ends with me. And Bryce is like gross, I just thought you were gonna get like a vasectomy or something. And Ruhn’s like omg me too, but turns out my girlfriend’s a MILF, so I guess I’ve got no chocie but to off my dad. Gotta fulfill those pesky little prophecies, you know? And Bryce is like sweet, I'll get the other one, and kills Morven and becomes queen of the fae.
So now that the kings are dead, Bryce can open the chamber with the star weapons and absorb the last of Theia’s magic. Now that the land doesn't have to contain all that hidden magic, the islands spring back up, plants start growing again, and like more importantly, cell service is back. Bryce gets a text and learns that the Asteri have bombed Crescent City.
The squad decides they're going to evacuate the civilians to Avallen while Bryce and Hunt go to the Northern Rift and use her horn to open the gate to Hel. To keep the Asteri busy, they’ll release the footage of Bryce killing Micah, the old mayor, so the civilians lean they've been lied to about immortality, and the Asteri will be too busy managing that media shitstorm to stop them. And Sam's like your weapon is bad press? Grow up.
Ithan and Hypaxia show up to Avallen, but Sofie’s body is long gone. They’re gonna try and use some of Hunt’s lightning instead. They’ll put it inside a crystal, just like the Asteri did while he was in jail. Bryce asks Hypaxia to create an antidote to the water parasite, so they can deworm the civilians. And the audience is like you can't just develop a vaccine overnight- And Hypaxia’s like done! I’m a woman in STEM. What’s your superpower? But the not!Ivermectin needs to be made with Hunt’s lightning, or it’ll destabilize, or like some other science stuff, so don't shake the baby. And the audience is like- And Samantha’s like this book is 900 pages. Just go with it. I'm begging you.
They test the dewormer on Ithan, and he spontaneously develops ice powers. And Ithan’s like this is great news! I’ll run a vaccine clinic and show the other wolves that Sabine isn’t the most powerful, so she shouldn't be their leader. This can't possibly backfire!
Spoiler alert, it backfires! He tries to convince the wolves to accept Sigrid as their new leader, and Sabine’s like lmao why would you listen to him? He killed Sigrid, and he’ll kill all of you too. Don’t believe me? I have video evidence, courtesy of the Viper Queen. But keep me in power, and I’ll save Sigrid from the Underking. I’ll get the astronomer to move her from the House of Flame and Shadow back to the House of Earth and Blood, and I'll make her my heir. But then the Prime, the leader of the wolves, is like quit your yappin’, bitch. And Sam’s like that’s not an insult, that’s just what she is. And the Prime is like I’m making Ithan my new heir. Get fucked, Sabine. So Sabine kills her dad, and Sigrid eats his soul. Then Sigrid kills the astronomer, and Ithan kills Sabine. Phew, that’s a lot of death…unless? And Sarah’s like not his book, besties. And Ithan’s like fuck, I didn’t want to be in charge! I just wanted to sport. Ball is life, you know?
Bryce takes her parents to the Northern Rift because she needs her stepdad’s survival expertise to open the gate. And the audience is like that makes zero sense. And SJM is like shh, let her cook. When they get to the outpost, they see surveillance footage of the Harpy murdering all the guards, and they’re like ohhh, the Asteri used Hunt’s lightning to resurrect the Harpy. That makes sense. Well, we'd better open the gate to Hel before she finds us, right, Bryce? And Bryce is like haha, totally! So Hunt beats it up from the back in front of her parents, and she opens the gate to Nesta reading smut in her living room. And Sam’s like oh, my personal Hel. Got it.But we’ll come back to that. We’ve gotta mess around with some side characters again! Ruhn and Lidia go to Crescent City to rescue Isaiah and Nadia, and the audience is like disrespectfully, who? And Sarah is like Celestina‘s angel guards, duh! Tharion and his new wife go to ask the River Queen to shelter civilians underwater. And Samantha blinks in submarines and air bubbles. And Sarah's like shut up, you're ruining it! Tharion says he will divorce and marry the River Queen's daughter after the war if she helps. And the queen is like lmao no. My daughter isn’t marrying trash like you. I’ll help, though, because I’ve been a rebel against the Asteri this whole time. That’s why I wanted Sofie and her brother last book.
Bryce is like hey girl, hey. I need to borrow your accessories so I can save the world, but I promise I'll give them back so there's not a gaping, overpowered plot hole in your series, too! You can take my parents as collateral. See you in the epilogue, Nesta! Peace!
Then the Harpy attacks with Celestina, Isaiah, and Naomi in tow because Ruhn and Lidia are once again useless at their jobs, but it’s chill because Bryce puts the mask on, which gives her control over death, and she’s able to insta-kill the Harpy. But then she takes it off because we wouldn't have much of a book otherwise, silly. Can’t make it too easy when every character is the most powerful character ever!
Lidia gets a text that Pollux has kidnapped her sons, and Sam salivates in competency kink. And Sarah’s like um, ew? He’s a sadist? And Sam’s like you told me he took over a ship the size of a city by his lonesome. Everyone else in this book has done jack. And Sarah's like but he’s evil! And Sam’s like don’t give him lines like ‘I’m gonna fuck the disrespect out of you’ then. Some of us are brats. And Sarah's like you need therapy. And Sam’s like okay miss Hunt’s dick is so big, it doesn’t fit in underwear. And Sarah’s like that’s different. And Sam’s like you had him get out of the shower with an audible third leg. Bite me.
Celestina says she and her guards were tracking the Harpy to kill her and save the city. She’s a good guy! And Hunt’s like a good guy? Just like last book? And she’s like omg, I feel really bad about betraying you. And Hunt’s like bullshit. Hunt smash! And then he gets magic laser tattoo removal because the Asteri’s curses don’t work on princes of Hel. And the audience is like but he’s not a prince of Hel. And Sarah’s like but like kinda though. And Sam's like the tattoo should KINDA work on him then. And Sarah's like and it did! You know, until he remembered that he was Kenough and was willing to accept his tragic backstory and unlock all his powers. And Sam's like I hate it here.
But Bryce stops Hunt and asks him not to kill Celestina, and he’s like you're a hypocrite because you killed Morven, but k. Bryce is gonna use the death mask to raise all the fallen angels that died during Hunt’s original rebellion. And the audience is like cool, cool, cool, but they don't have bodies. And Bryce is like are you sure about that? Super convenient all those super suits that we didn’t manage to stop the manufacturing of in book two are just lying around. Empty. Sure would suck if some Asteri-hating angel ghosts filled them. And even Sam’s like okay, that’s clever. We need Isaiah and Naomi to lead the ghost angel army, and we need Celestina to keep her lavender husband, Ephraim, who’s still loyal to the Asteri, busy during the attack so he doesn’t wipe out our armies. And speaking of armies, let’s finally open the gate to Hel and collect another one.Ithan still doesn't have his priorities in check, so he asks the Underking if he can talk to his dead brother, Connor, really quick. He’s like hey bro, how should I lead the packs? And Connor rolls his eyes and hands him a bullet. And Ithan’s like use your words, bro. And the Underking is like lol he can’t. My rules. And anyways, time’s up. And Ithan’s like that’s not fair! And the Underking is like I’m evil. Hel will freeze over before you get one over on me. And Ithan’s like heard! and uses his ice powers to freeze the Underking, and then Hypaxia smashes him. And Jesiba’s like ooo, tough luck, bestie. You break it, you bought it. You’re now queen of the underworld. Awkward! But at least now you can tell the dead dog to speak. So Connor says all the dead souls got together and put their remaining life force, their secondlight, into the bullet, so that Bryce would have a good weapon against the Asteri. And the audience is like you know there’s like 8 of them, right? The math ain’t mathin’. And Jesiba’s like here, that bullet will fit my gun from the first book. Bryce already knows how to use it.
After evacuating Crescent City, Tharion gets confronted by the Viper Queen and one of her random fae thralls, some dude Sathia knows named Colin who used to be her guard, but he went to work for the Viper Queen after Sathia’s dad refused to let them date. Hypaxia and Ithan interrupt their showdown, and they’re like we need to get these antidotes and bullet to Bryce asap. Tharion, swallow this, and use your boosted powers to water taxi us there. And Sathia’s like thanks for the assist, hubs, but I’m actually gonna ditch you for my ex. Good luck with the whole saving the world thing though!
Bryce and Hunt go back to the Asteri’s palace so they can use the mask to reanimate the fallen angels’ wings that decorate the throne room and shove them into the super suits. Rigelus, the leader of the Asteri, spots them and is like nice try, dumbasses. We stationed the Harpy up North so we would know when you were coming. Our army is marching on Hel right now. Guess your dad didn’t yell at you for leaving the door open enough, huh Bryce? And she’s like ugh, you’re so right. I’m literally just a girl! We better teleport back to the princes and warn them.
Lidia’s like I know a foolproof way to find my sons! So she drags Ruhn to the Asteri’s palace so they can ask Chat GPT-I mean, the mystics where her sons are. Pollux has them trapped in the heart of the palace with the Asteri’s main power source, the firstlight core. And Ruhn’s like well, we can’t just rush in. That’s definitely a trap. And Lidia’s like I don't care! And Ruhn’s like well, I do! I can’t let Pollux hurt you again! So…I’ll do it myself and shoots her in the leg. And Lidia’s like dude, wtf? And he’s like Lidia, I know you’re a professional killer, but leave the heroics to the men, okay? You’re MUCH safer lying prone and bleeding out in the den of the universe’s apex predators. #I’m a feminist. Just like my cousin. And the audience is like where’s Sam? And SJM is like don’t mind her, she’s just screaming into the void again. Happens.
So Bryce and Hunt pop over to the Hel princes’ war tent, and Aidas is like lmao, this is not my first rodeo. I left half my army behind to defend Hel. If the Asteri want to stop us, they’ll have to come down and fight us themselves. And then everybody was kung fu fighting. Bryce can use the starsword and dagger to open portals to nowhere- aka mini blackholes- as long as Hunt charges them with his lightning. Teamwork makes the dreamwork as long as they’re a cis, straight couple, right Sarah? Bryce manages to kill one of the NPC Asteri, but she’s running out of magic fast, so they teleport back into the place. If they can destroy the firstlight core, the Asteri will be powerless and way easier to fight.Pollux finds Ruhn and Lidia, and is like you fools! This was totally a trap. And Ruhn’s like see, told you. And Pollux is like teachable moment, kids. This is why you should never rely on AI to do your research for you because that information may not be correct. I told the mystics to lie to you. Obviously, your sons aren’t at the core. I’m not a monster. They’re being babysat by some absolute angels, so I can kill them in front of you. Duh! And Sarah’s like there! Do you have the ick yet? And Sam’s like…And Sarah’s like oh c’mon! Ruhn’s like don’t worry, babe. I’ll sacrifice myself for your sons. And Sam’s like well, now you’re just trying to make me like him. And Tharion’s like speaking of useless males, I come bearing gifts. Now, I know Hypaxia told me not to break the medicine, but I didn't have my listening ears on, so I only have enough for you and Lidia. And she’s like eh, good enough. Fire deer beats bird boy any day. What’s your safeword, Pollux? And he’s like is this my swan song? And Sam’s like I’m actually very funny. I took Latin for 5 years. I’ve been sitting on that joke all series. And the audience facepalms while Lidia fries some chicken and Sam boos. Lidia asks Ruhn to evacuate her sons while she barbecues some Nazis, and apparently, that wasn’t enough firepower, so the sprites return just in time to blow up the Asteri’s weapons.
Hunt starts using his lighting powers to try and void the warranty on the Asteri’s iHome charging dock, while Bryce teleports them out of Rigelus’s reach. They run out of magic, but Ithan charges in. And Rigelus is like are you really bringing a gun to a magic fight? And Bryce is like I might not be a good enough shot to hit you, but that core’s a pretty huge target. And Rigelus is like well, joke’s on you because if you break the core, you break the world. And Bryce is like omg, so funny that you think a millennial wants to live! Here honey, catch. So she tosses Hunt the mask, and then shoots the core which opens a black hole. Rigelus magicblasts her, and Bryce is haha, that tickles. And the audience is like uh-? And SJM is like well, the Asteri use firstlight. Bryce was able to channel firstlight from the city gates in the first book, remember? The Asteri are basically just living gates. Their magic can’t hurt her, silly. And Sam’s like I’m too lazy to flip back and see if any of their blasts hit her before, but it stinks of bullshit in here.
And Bryce is like could we get back to the plot hole at hand here? Like there’s a literal hole in the plot. A black one. And the audience is like Samantha, jail. But now that Rigelus’s magic charged her up, Bryce can blow the horn and open a second portal that all the Asteri and the first black hole fall into. And with so much hole on hole action going on, Bryce falls in too.
Hunt’s like we have to evacuate everyone so they don’t get sucked into the black hole! And the Hel princes are like nah, it’ll close as soon as the first hole devours Bryce. She sacrificed herself to save the world. Isn’t that beautiful? And Hunt’s like don’t be stupid. I’m rescuing my wife. My wings may not work in space, but the super suits’ jetpacks will. Luckily the ghost of his ex-girlfriend is just hanging around, and she’s like hey baby, want a ride? And Sam’s like is this cheating? And SJM is like she’s dying! And the audience is like this is why you can’t date a guy who’s friends with his ex. So with Hunt inserted into the girl he outgrew, he can fly into space to save Bryce. And the death mask just stops him from needing oxygen. And the Hel princes can just catch his lightning like a spacewalk tether. And the audience is like but like HOW though? And Sam’s like just let it END!
So they yank Bryce out of space, and because Hunt’s magic nut is still inside her because Bryce said raw, next question, and no one in this universe has heard of a shower or a post-sex piss- And the audience is like you’re actually joking. And Sam’s like look me in the eye and show me when I've joked about magic jizz. But since they exchanged bodily fluids, they also exchanged powers and Hunt can close the portal and save the world. His girlfriend’s still dead though, so that sucks. And the audience is like just skip to her resurrection, Sarah. We know you’re not killing your super magical special girl. Jesiba’s like hey girl hey! Remember me? I’ll transfer my curse of immortality to Bryce.
So yay, the day is saved, and all they have left to do is reestablish the government, but that’s a problem for NPCs. Bryce ships the demons back to Hel through the Northern Rift. They go without fuss because? And SJM is like because they’re good guys, duh! Nesta exchanges Bryce’s parents for the mask, dagger, and bonus starsword because Acotar clearly needed more super special weapons with lengthy backstories. As queen of the fae, Bryce disbands the monarchy and gives Princess Mia a run for her money by turning the vacation castles into orphanages. Ruhn and Lidia buy the apartment directly below Bryce and Hunt because they have separation anxiety, and the HOA is already dreading the noise complaints. Thunder isn’t angels bowling, but the storm’s not the only thing a’coming. And the audience is like Samantha, jail. Bryce inherits Jesiba’s magic books and opens her own gallery with the sprites, and Jelly Jubilee’s predecessors reinfect Avallen’s lands because friendship really is magic.
See y’all again for book four!
She did not just say it’s the friends we made along the way.
Nothing feels like it has stakes in this series because everyone is always dying and coming back.
We will literally never be rid of Danika.
OK, but we still don’t know what kind of creature Fury is and can this series just be fucking over?
I can’t stand Rhysand.
What bullshit twist is gonna happen at the end to turn this into book 4?
We’ve got Colin, the reaper Sigrid, the missing dragon.
That is literally Princess Mia‘s speech from The Princess Diaries Two.
We’re reusing sets now?
Also, good luck to their poor neighbors when they have fucking laserbeam and lightning fucking on one floor and stars and fire on the other.
And if it’s an exact layout, that means both their bedrooms are on top of each other. You gotta hear your sibling getting busy? Gross!
Imagine you saved the whole ass world and magical New York City still slaps you with a fine for causing inclement weather.
Actually, that might be the most realistic part of this series.
Why do they have to be there by dawn? She could literally teleport. They can be there right now and then go back to sex. What are we doing?
Also, I both love and hate that this book is continuing the running joke about the My Little Pony dildo.
Yeah, this literally could’ve been an email.
Sorry, but Crescent City should be a tighter duology.
Zero reason to bring Acotar into this, it was basically pointless.
Also, this is a good wrap-up point. We could’ve just closed the other plot holes and been done with this godforsaken series. We do not need a book 4.
I feel like it’s set up exactly like Acotar where you have three books spent on one couple and then you’ll go do a book with someone else. I feel like we’re gonna go do Ithan’s story now.
Post-reading:
Bruh.
I was dragging my feet getting to this. I don’t like Acotar. I don’t like Crescent City. But I admired the balls it takes to get mainstream publishing to do a crossover event.
And then I read this monstrosity, and I was like geld that shit immediately.
I cannot emphasize to you enough how much of this book is filler and how little happens in it. I don’t think her editors cut a single thing. The book reads like a bad rough draft. The book reads like she didn’t know how to begin this book and kept trying to start it from different perspectives and then never cut any of those attempts.
The book’s construction is garbage. POVs switch abruptly, and it's so disorienting. There’s no graphic to break up the perspectives. You just have to start reading the next paragraph and whoopsies! realize you're in someone else’s head now. It was incredibly annoying, and it served no purpose. I would've rather seen bigger chunks of perspective and new chapters for every POV. I think it would've cut back on a lot of the summarizing as well, since we wouldn't need to keep informing characters what just happened in scenes they weren't present for. All of that could've easily happened off-page as well, but not in this bloated behemoth. Truly, was she being paid per word?
So much of this book is summarizing what the reader just read. You could skip all of part one and miss nothing. The crossover event is a joke. The characters barely interact. Nesta feels incredibly out of character the whole time. The crossover event is solely just them passing magical objects back and forth. It wasn’t necessary. It wasn’t clever.
And then when we finally get to the actual plot of this book, it’s just a rewrite of Throne of Glass. I’m so firmly of the opinion that all of Sarah‘s books are just rewriting TOG. She solves the battle with the big bad the exact same way every single time. The main character sacrifices herself, but surprise! she’s not actually alone because all her good deeds have made her friends along the way, and now they're here to loophole her out of death. It’s the same plot every single time, and it never has any stakes. This series in particular is egregious with fake-out deaths.
There's some one-liners in here that makes it apparent Sarah has heard the criticisms about her writing and doesn't give a single flying fuck. (And frankly, if I was selling that many copies, I don’t think I would care either.) It does get a little meta. Sarah’s like if I just acknowledge that this part is bad writing or plot-holey, I’m excused from it, right?
And I’m over here like fuck no! I think this series is so sloppy. I think it's so cringe. I dread reading another one. I can't wait til I’m free from this insufferable universe. Shoutout to the graphic audio for making this literary torture session tolerable.
Who should read this:
Completionists
Ideal reading time:
Anytime
Do I want to reread this:
No
Would I buy this:
No! I will be getting rid of the set I have.
Similar books:
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* Fourth Wing by Rebecca Yarros-Mary Sue and her shadow daddy dragon college romantasy
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* Fall of Ruin and Wrath by Jennifer L. Armentrout-ACOTARxTwilight smut
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