Questions About Finding Rosa: A Mother with Alzheimer's, a Daughter in Search of the Past

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Caterina, I'm intrigued by the notion of "exposure" in a memoir. It's one thing to be comfortable with exposing yourself. But what if the person you're writing about is not comfortable with "warts and all" exposure? Can you be fair to your story but also to them?

Caterina Edwards My first response is to say you owe your story your truth, but (of course) it is more complicated than that. The key word is "fair." A portrait withou…moreMy first response is to say you owe your story your truth, but (of course) it is more complicated than that. The key word is "fair." A portrait without warts or shadows is boring, as well as false. We are all fallible. I lead a memoir workshop, and I find older women sometimes insist their childhood, their parents, were perfect, when everything was far from it. And if the older ones want to present a sentimental picture, the young ones sometimes want to only show the darkness and evil.
Painting someone as a villain (and yourself as a victim) doesn't work. If your experience is mostly negative, why not include the P.O.V of someone else - perhaps even that person - so the story is balanced and fair. Try to understand and explain. The editor of "Finding Rosa" convinced me to remove a long scene that reflected badly on a relative by marriage. The editor asked me what the purpose of my story was. And I had to admit it wasn't to expose the woman. So focusing on the essence of your memoir helps.
And the editing I have done of life writing has convinced me writing for revenge alienates the reader. (We shrink from bitterness and rancor.)
It is a continuum: as writers of memoir, we have to find our place on that line. How much do you tell? It depends on what is important to you. But readers do sense falseness and lies, as well as unfairness. It shows in your prose style. I'm reading a memoir by Anne Roiphe. She explains how in a previous memoir, written years earlier, she hinted that her brother, who died of AIDS, was homosexual. She still feels guilty about that revelation. Her nephew stopped speaking to her and told everyone she was a liar. (Even though his mother eventually confirmed it.) Still, she feels she made the right choice. She says family secrets are toxic. Unfortunately, exposing the secrets can lead to a spread of that toxicity. She evokes Aeneas leaving Try, carrying his father on his back. We all carry our parents on our backs.
I could go on and on.
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