Beatriz Gil

Was I that easy to leave behind?

It felt like I’d been waiting longer than five weeks for this. Like maybe I’d been longing for him before I even knew he existed, some restless part of me only able to settle in his presence.

“It feels like I’ve been waitin’ forever to touch you. I… I don’t wanna do it wrong.”

Because my walls were crumbling, and his hands would either keep them upright or send them crashing down. I couldn’t exist in the in‑between, in the unknown.

I’d let him ruin me if it meant I could feel desired this deeply.

Framed by long lashes, dampened as he blinked another tear. I smoothed that one away too, because someone like him should never shed tears without somebody to catch them.

A first kiss tasted like hope and new beginnings. It tasted like potential. I’d had many in my life, but this one… this one tasted like my last first kiss.

“Tell me what you need from me.”
“I need you to go away!”
“I’m sorry. I can’t do that,”
“Why?”
“Because you’re hurtin’. And I can’t leave you while you’re hurtin’.” “No. It’s more than that. I don’t want to leave you at all. Not ever.”

“You’ve always been quick to give people your whole heart, Bear Bear. It’s a beautiful quality.” It didn’t feel like a good quality right now. It felt like a curse. If I loved less, loved quieter, then maybe he would have wanted me more.

“I want it to be him.” My voice broke. “I know, sweetheart, and I’m so sorry.”

“No one’s gonna hurt you ever again. I’ll worship you more than a priest to his god. You’re my prince. I’ll be your knight when you need protection, your soldier when you need to fight, your clown when you need to laugh, your chef when you need to eat, your dog, your submissive, your willing slave. I’ll be everythin’ you need me to be.”

“This is what I’m for, my love. So I can hold you when you break. And then help you put the pieces back together.”

My man would cut off his own hands before he ever harmed me with them.

“If people can’t accept me, then fuck ’em.”

“I wear makeup and dye my hair light purple. I’m small and soft in a school full of macho bullshit.”

“I don’t want to actually die. But also… not existing right now would be kind of great.”

“Tu eres mío. Solo mío. My pretty doll.”

“You feel so good underneath me, muñequito.”

“Such a beautiful cock. It’s so soft and pretty. Just like you, muñequito.”

“When have we ever been sane?”

What if memory isn’t an obstacle to be removed, but a muscle to be trained?

“The concept of ‘evil’ is a construct, Mr. Reynolds. I don’t believe there’s any such thing. Only unexplored consequences.”

That’s all I’d wanted for so long. For someone to let me hold them. Touch them. To make me feel like I wasn’t here alone and forgotten.

“I don’t want to be someone you didn’t want to remember.”

My-loh. Somehow, he managed to always make those two syllables sound like music. He made my name sound like poetry.

“No one who hurts you is innocent.”

“You were always my light in the dark. My safe space. Even when I needed a place to hide in my own mind, you were there. You and that pond and those stupid frogs.

“Yeah. Wanna be friends?” My eyes widened, and I nodded frantically. “Yeah, I’ve never had a friend before,” I admitted, feeling embarrassed but wanting to be honest. “That’s okay. It’s pretty easy. You just have to always have each other’s backs.”

I’ll meet you at the pond, okay?

People are not one-dimensional. We’re complex, messy, and most of us are really just doing our best to survive in a world that is often not kind to us.