I probably shouldn't be posting today.

My husband was just asking why I haven't updated in a while.


Usually whenever I get a post in my head, I run it through my internal filters, and if it's too personal, alarms go off inside me that say "abort! abort!"  That's why I rarely post. But this time, the alarms are kind of silent, and maybe that's because I need to say this.


I've mentioned before that for a long time I suffered with depression, anxiety, body dysmorphic disorder, and other things. They've gotten better as I've had kids and when I had my first books accepted for publishing. I've lived my life under the premise that if you put good feelings out into the world, they'll come back to you. I try to be positive and helpful. I try hard to not see the glass as half empty, to think of all people as generally good and honest. But if one is genetically prone to depression, it never really goes away. And today I'm feeling the emptiness of that glass.




Today I'm feeling:


Like all the good I've put out there may have just been a waste of time.Like a big sucker for being too trusting.Like my books are terrible.Like people can ignore me easily.Like I'm past my prime, in every way.Like I don't have anything to contribute.Like I want to hide in a hole and never come out.Those feelings have been creeping up on me for quite some time. I've been having a harder and harder time tending to the business that comes along with writing. When I first got published, I forced myself to do every event and speaking engagement, just because I felt it important to keep my career going. They've always been extremely painful and anxiety-producing for me, but I hoped I'd get better. But I don't think I've gotten any better. In fact, I usually freak out for months prior, so much so that I can barely think of anything else. I would always accept an invitation, flattered that it was offered and that people thought of me, but inside my heart would nearly stop. Sometimes the anxiety would be so bad that I'd have to cancel.


So after doing that twice this year, I've decided I can't do any more public speaking. While you may see me at signings (a few of them, yay!), I won't be doing any more panels or teaching any more lessons. I need to get back into my comfort zone, and it's not speaking in front of groups.


Anyway, that's all I have to say.