On Self-Esteem (and cookies)

I was reminded of something today, something that I try hard to remember every day, and work very hard never to forget. I was reminded that self-esteem is a very fragile thing. Especially when you're a teenager.

A Minion had written to me the other day (she knows who she is – but I won't name names) and told me about an instance of bullying on her Facebook. A bully had insulted her appearance, and she asked my advice before blocking him. He'd called her fat, and it hurt her, so naturally, my protective Auntie Heather feathers got quite ruffled.

You see, I wasn't always the confident person you see before you, Minions. If we were to rewind time back to my middle and high school years, the person standing before you would probably not be able to make eye contact with you. She'd be relatively quiet, for fear that anything she said would just be mocked. She'd have circles under her eyes from lack of sleep – her eyes red from crying on a daily basis. She would be sad and alone and hated by many of her peers.

I was bullied. Oh yes. Terribly. Physically assaulted, teased, tormented on a daily basis. And due to that, I was driven to a very dark place on more than one occasion. I thought of suicide – I can admit that now. But I can also say that I'm so relieved I didn't go there. Because no matter how dark life becomes, no matter how lost or alone you feel, no matter how convinced you are that there is no way out of your pain and anguish, I can honestly say that there is a bright spot at the end of that tunnel. Things get better. Bullies go away. You can surround yourself with love and light and awesome people who really get you, who really adore your quirks. But you have to hold on.

I think the reason that the Facebook bully irked me so much (apart from my fierce love of the Minion Horde) is that I was, at one time, overweight, and know how stressful it can be when people wear their insensitivity on their sleeve. Growing up, I was a thin girl. But after years of low self-esteem, I ate my way into a size 24. I'm now a size 4 due to both a healthy approach to weight loss and, largely, due to learning to love myself – all my flaws included. But the stress of that time came flooding back to me the moment that Minion confided in me, and I don't want her to feel bad just because some jerk on Facebook doesn't have the sense to leave well enough alone. Yes, people snickered about my weight when I was bigger. Just like the bullies who shoved me into lockers in high school. But I've learned, over time, that their opinion of me doesn't have to be my opinion of me.

My ridiculously tiny pinky toes bend absurdly toward my other toes. I'm incredibly anal about the spines of books lining up just so on a bookcase. I often drift off into my own world during conversations. My desk is always a huge mess (I call it "creative chaos"). I have a really difficult time maintaining friendships with girls. I'm clumsy, can't sing (but do), and I'm an absurdly careful driver. Sometimes I get sad for no reason and bawl my eyes out. I'm short, my thighs are kinda chunky, and I really, really suck at math.

But I love me.

Because those things make me who I am. Those things are all things that shape the person you know as Auntie Heather. And I wouldn't want to be anybody else.

You have flaws too, I'm sure. But y'know what? Your flaws, your imperfections, are actually tiny little quirks that make you stand out from the crowd, and that, my Minions, my friends, is something really special, something to be proud of.

Now…who wants a cookie???