At Least You’re Not In Florida
Recently, much of The United States has been bombarded by one severe winter storm after the other. As conditions worsen, many people in the northernmost states have considered visiting or moving to a warmer climate. Obviously, the state of Florida is one possible destination for those seeking refuge from the brutal conditions they’ve been living under. Now, it’s not that we don’t want you here, and I like driving 32 in a 45 as much as the next guy, but let me tell you why that is a horrible idea.
Realtors and travel agents won’t tell you this, but Florida is a literal death trap! Millions of people visit the state every year. Only a small percentage of them make it out alive. Those of us who have lived here for many years have had to adapt to the ever worsening doomscape that we call home. What makes Florida such a terrible destination? There is a plethora of answers to that question. I could write an entire book on the subject. In the interest of public safety, I will only list some of the most horrific perils people face here everyday so that I may get this message out in a timely manner.
1. Alligators. It’s hard to believe that only a few years ago, the alligator was an endangered species in the state of Florida. The state went to great lengths to protect the animal, and their overzealous efforts proved to be disastrous. It’s become nearly impossible to go anywhere without encountering them. The short walk to my mailbox now resembles this scene in the James Bond film, Live and Let Die. Recently, my neighbor was leaving for work in the morning. When he started his car, an eight-footer jumped out from the back seat. He was lucky to survive the attack, but lost his right arm at the elbow and most of his head. Sadly, these sorts of attacks are become evermore commonplace.
2. Hurricanes. Yes, I know you only hear about a few hurricanes a year hitting the state of Florida, but that’s because they have become such a common occurrence that the media only reports on the most serious of them. During hurricane season, they are an almost daily occurrence. Even during the off season, we’re usually good for about one a week. Don’t believe me? Then why do you think I’m paying thousands of dollars every year for homeowners’ insurance? If the area that I live in was only hit by a major hurricane in, say 2004 and 1960, wouldn’t that be price gouging? Certainly, the state would step in and protect its citizens.
The hurricanes themselves are quite frightening, but what is even more horrific is that they often spawn tornadoes that pick up our ubiquitous alligator hoards and fling them into recently de-roofed homes. One moment, you’re trying to console your loved ones by telling them that things can be replaced and you’re all lucky to be alive. The next, a gatornado is hurling tons and tons of reptilian killing machine into your home to eat you and your family.
3. Gay Marriage. Yep, it’s legal here. You know what that means; your normal marriage is now null and void and you HAVE to marry someone of the same gender.
4. Cubans. Don’t get me wrong, I have nothing against Cuban folks. I love those pork and pickle sandwiches they make, the name of which escapes me. I don’t even have a problem with the law that gives them citizenship the second they step on U.S. soil, although I’m not sure why that’s a law for them and no one else. What I have a problem with is the Florida law that states that once they get into your house, you have to let them live there. I’m all for helping my fellow man, but I don’t want a bunch of strangers from a foreign country living in my home. This law has been particularly taxing on our elderly residents, who like bland food, dinner at 4:30. and bed at 7:15. Once the Cubans are in your home, it’s nothing but spicy food and all night salsa dancing. Do you like football and N.C.I.S.? Well, forget that. The only thing you’ll be watching from now on is soccer and Sabado Gigante.
5. Constant Harassment of the Elderly by Law Enforcement. Someone in Tallahassee got the idea in their head that octogenarians, nonagenarians, and centaurians shouldn’t be driving. Everywhere you go, police are pulling over older people and setting up traffic stops to make sure elderly drivers aren’t completely unaware of the reality that is going on all around them. Sure, many of them take copious amounts of prescription drugs, have severely delayed reaction times, and almost seem to actually be afraid to drive, but I still find this to be blatant and disgusting ageism. Law enforcement should put the same effort and resources into combating the real menace to our roadways; someone who just drank two beers.
Are you considering a trip or move to the sunshine state? I hope this post makes you seriously reconsider. If someone you care about is thinking along those same lines, please show this to them. You may very well save their life.
Realtors and travel agents won’t tell you this, but Florida is a literal death trap! Millions of people visit the state every year. Only a small percentage of them make it out alive. Those of us who have lived here for many years have had to adapt to the ever worsening doomscape that we call home. What makes Florida such a terrible destination? There is a plethora of answers to that question. I could write an entire book on the subject. In the interest of public safety, I will only list some of the most horrific perils people face here everyday so that I may get this message out in a timely manner.
1. Alligators. It’s hard to believe that only a few years ago, the alligator was an endangered species in the state of Florida. The state went to great lengths to protect the animal, and their overzealous efforts proved to be disastrous. It’s become nearly impossible to go anywhere without encountering them. The short walk to my mailbox now resembles this scene in the James Bond film, Live and Let Die. Recently, my neighbor was leaving for work in the morning. When he started his car, an eight-footer jumped out from the back seat. He was lucky to survive the attack, but lost his right arm at the elbow and most of his head. Sadly, these sorts of attacks are become evermore commonplace.
2. Hurricanes. Yes, I know you only hear about a few hurricanes a year hitting the state of Florida, but that’s because they have become such a common occurrence that the media only reports on the most serious of them. During hurricane season, they are an almost daily occurrence. Even during the off season, we’re usually good for about one a week. Don’t believe me? Then why do you think I’m paying thousands of dollars every year for homeowners’ insurance? If the area that I live in was only hit by a major hurricane in, say 2004 and 1960, wouldn’t that be price gouging? Certainly, the state would step in and protect its citizens.
The hurricanes themselves are quite frightening, but what is even more horrific is that they often spawn tornadoes that pick up our ubiquitous alligator hoards and fling them into recently de-roofed homes. One moment, you’re trying to console your loved ones by telling them that things can be replaced and you’re all lucky to be alive. The next, a gatornado is hurling tons and tons of reptilian killing machine into your home to eat you and your family.
3. Gay Marriage. Yep, it’s legal here. You know what that means; your normal marriage is now null and void and you HAVE to marry someone of the same gender.
4. Cubans. Don’t get me wrong, I have nothing against Cuban folks. I love those pork and pickle sandwiches they make, the name of which escapes me. I don’t even have a problem with the law that gives them citizenship the second they step on U.S. soil, although I’m not sure why that’s a law for them and no one else. What I have a problem with is the Florida law that states that once they get into your house, you have to let them live there. I’m all for helping my fellow man, but I don’t want a bunch of strangers from a foreign country living in my home. This law has been particularly taxing on our elderly residents, who like bland food, dinner at 4:30. and bed at 7:15. Once the Cubans are in your home, it’s nothing but spicy food and all night salsa dancing. Do you like football and N.C.I.S.? Well, forget that. The only thing you’ll be watching from now on is soccer and Sabado Gigante.
5. Constant Harassment of the Elderly by Law Enforcement. Someone in Tallahassee got the idea in their head that octogenarians, nonagenarians, and centaurians shouldn’t be driving. Everywhere you go, police are pulling over older people and setting up traffic stops to make sure elderly drivers aren’t completely unaware of the reality that is going on all around them. Sure, many of them take copious amounts of prescription drugs, have severely delayed reaction times, and almost seem to actually be afraid to drive, but I still find this to be blatant and disgusting ageism. Law enforcement should put the same effort and resources into combating the real menace to our roadways; someone who just drank two beers.
Are you considering a trip or move to the sunshine state? I hope this post makes you seriously reconsider. If someone you care about is thinking along those same lines, please show this to them. You may very well save their life.
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message 1:
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D.D.
(new)
Feb 07, 2015 05:43AM
Hahaha, First I wasn't sure, but after that service announcement, I KNOW I'm going to Florida. I have to see the Gatornado for myself. I'm from the mid-west, commonly referred to as Tornado alley, but our tornados only boast the usual fair, you know, rooftops, telephone poles, the occasional trailer park. pretty boarding stuff by comparison. I also have to see if all those sink holes are as big in real life as they seem on T.V.
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I remember a gator in our backyard in Tampa trying to get in our pool when I was a teenager. The dog kept barking at it through the screen, and the gator was pacing back and forth along the screen. My stepfather called animal services, but they wouldn't come out unless the gator was over 8 feet long. Ours was probably only 4 without the tail. When we asked how the heck we were supposed to get rid of it, they responded that we should shoo it away. So, my stepfather shooed it away with a large broom out the back gate, down our driveway and down the street to a nice retention pond. Ahhhhh, Florida!
