Is This Burn Out? Or taking care of what I have…

I finished Indecent Proposal, the last book in my latest contract, at the very beginning of March. I typed The End and then had what felt, tasted and smelled like a minor nervous breakdown. There was a lot of crying. And screaming. And pulling the blankets up over my head. I couldn’t stop shaking.  I wish I was exaggerating for laughs, but I’m not. In the context of my life I fell apart.

The world I loved, that I had created in the last ten years, during pregnancy and nap times, stolen weekends away, stolen hours locked in my bedroom while my husband took the kids and the dog away somewhere, and for the last few blissful years during the hours between when my husband took the kids to school and I walked over and picked them up – felt poisoned.

Writing felt poisoned. I talked to Maureen on the subway and when I said I thought I was done writing, I meant it. I really really meant it.

I got my first contract with Superromance while I was pregnant with my son, and I got my second one just after he was born. And I felt so empowered that I had something to do besides nurse and sleep train (ha!). My brain was engaged  beyond the making of mashed carrots and which play group to go to. I felt so damn proud of myself when I managed to write those books and get them turned in on time and then get another contract.  Writing had always empowered me but having a CAREER… something that was mine, that was so respected in my house, that earned money…God. Those of you who might be reading this who experienced or are experiencing that reality – it’s nuts, isn’t it? What can be accomplished during nap time or morning kindergarten?

Frankly having a writing career no matter what your circumstance is a minor miracle fueled by hours and hours of dedication.

I’ve always been able to make my own schedule, set my own due dates and I gave myself plenty of time and just consistently plugged along. I was rarely late, tried to be a little early. I gave myself a break during July and August and tried not to expect too much during Thanksgiving/Christmas. Totally manageable.  Unless, maybe you’re trying to write three 90,000 word contemporary romances in a year.

Social Media  threw a wrench in things for me. Slowly, bit by bit I was worn down by the updates of  authors writing faster and smarter than I was all while seeming to be on Twitter all day.  Self-pubbed authors being catapulted into stardom by strange and slightly devious means. Everyone seemed a thousand times more successful than I was, a thousand times better at this business. More in tune with what readers were loving.  So, initially I bought into the idea that I needed MORE facebook followers, MORE twitter followers. I had to be friendly and witty. I had to engage, engage, engage. And it left me feeling  diminished and confused. I got a damn RITA nomination and I cried in the bathroom – not happy tears, either. And it’s embarrassing to write that, to write any of this.

I figure I was brought low by a combination of those things, with some not minor real life problems thrown into the mix. (Oh, real life…)

But I also know I wasn’t taking care of the things that I already have.  I have amazing writing friends. I have an astounding editor and a publishing house that believes in me. And values my work. I have an agent whose faith has been unwavering. In my effort to get MORE fans, I neglected the fans I had.  I can not believe I took any of that for granted.

For years I tried to make my books better by improving on what I thought were my weaknesses, namely plotting. But I remember someone saying what we should really concentrate on what we’re already good at. I think that can be about the business too.

In April I started to get some story ideas. At the beginning of May I sat down for one day of writing and was reminded of the amount of stamina writing takes. Every day, one word at a time. All of you in the middle of that right now – hats off, it is no easy or simple thing. I’m amazed by you right now. Because that one day of mine has not been replicated… June, maybe I’ll get back up on that horse. Or maybe tomorrow.

Right now I’m trying to think of ways to take care of what I have. These friends right here, for starters. I’m sorry I vanished for a while there.

For the readers and writers who have joined my newsletter list – THANK YOU. I’ve started an interview series called THE AUTHOR IS… which features in-depth interviews and giveaways with some really wonderful authors. Check out my website for the schedule and to sign up.

I’d love to hear from you if you’ve been in this particular boat. Or if not and you think I’m an ungrateful whiner – that’s fine too, I guess. But let’s talk…