IF I MAKE IT THROUGH DECEMBER

2013.  I’m very superstitious.  From the get-go I was worried about a year with the number ‘13’ in it.  In many ways, my silly superstitious nature proved to be right, but in many more ways, the dreaded ‘13’ year has been a great one.

Several outstanding events happened this year.  First, and foremost, my best friend—who is also my only daughter—married her soul-mate.  This is the girl who always said she would never get married no matter what, and waited until her mid-thirties before realizing that when she finally met the ‘right’ guy, all her preconceived notions about commitment were no longer valid.  In a magical fairytale wedding at twilight last June, my beautiful princess married her Prince Charming.  As we planned the wedding, the joy I felt for my daughter’s happiness—and the glaring realization of what was missing in my own life—were the motives behind the big changes I would finally find the courage to make this past year.

The second most amazing thing that happened in the dreaded ‘13’ year was that I finished my first Paranormal Romance.  After eleven Historical Romances, which practically wrote themselves, I thought I was ready to switch genres.  For years, I’ve wanted to write horror, and combined with my love for vampires, it seemed like the perfect way for me to go.  But to my surprise, switching genres, and trying to write in a contemporary voice, rather than an historical one, was one of the most difficult things I’ve ever tried to do as a writer.  If not for the overwhelming support of several of my wonderful friends during the past two years, I’m certain I would have given up trying to write this book all together.  Unfortunately, it was also during one of the worse periods in my personal life this past year–when I desperately needed an outlet to escape from reality–that I was able to throw myself into this story and finally write ‘The End’ on this labor of love and torture a few months ago.

Another major event that occurred in the year of ‘13’ turned out to be another really good thing, even though it has also included some of the worse episodes in my life.  For nearly twenty years I had been in a very unhappy and debilitating relationship.  Over fifteen years of this co-habitation was merely a roommate situation.  But, for reasons I cannot even begin to explain, my so-called ‘boyfriend’ and I pretended to be a normal couple when we were in public.  In private, we lived totally separate lives, not even sharing meals or watching a show on television together in the same room.  As a result of this unhealthy relationship, I grew more and more depressed through the years, even though I tried really hard to convince myself that I could live the rest of my life in this weird situation.  To compensate for feeling old, ugly and unwanted, I was either stuffing my face with junk food, watching TV or sleeping my life away.  By the time of my daughter’s wedding six months ago I was to the point of wanting to pull a ‘Thelma and Louise’.  I even confided to a close friend that after the wedding I just wanted to fill my car up with gas and drive as far as the full tank would take me and then drive off a cliff.  Well, I didn’t drive off that cliff, but it has taken a Hell of a lot more courage to make the life changing decisions that I’ve made in the past few months.

So, as 2013 comes to an end and I reflect back on all the craziness of the past year, I realize the past twelve months have been a rollercoaster of emotions and changes—good and bad.  As I have tried to put it all into perspective, I’ve made the following observations:

I have finally found my contemporary literary voice.  My ultimate dream is that 2014 will be the year I will find real success as a Paranormal Romance writer.
I’ve been beaten up, beaten down, slandered to the point of ridiculousness, and made to feel like the worse person in the history of breakups, because of the decision I made to be happy again.  But, I don’t regret making that decision for one second.  I only wish I had found the courage to do it years ago.
Being alone (really alone) is far, far better than being ‘alone’ in an unhealthy relationship and feeling like you are so repulsive that you don’t even warrant a loving touch or kind word once in a while.
I am not an ugly and undeserving person.  I can look in the mirror and love the person I see there again.  If I have to spend the rest of my life by myself, I know I am in good company.
If I’m ever lucky enough to find love again in my future, that man will reap the endless benefits of what I have learned from my past mistakes, and he will feel like the luckiest man in the world.
I would love to write erotica, in spite of the fact of how I will be judged by some of the extremely judgmental people in my life.  I plan to work on finding more courage to pursue this goal in the future.
I’m more superstitious than I even thought I was, and I am still super worried about the final days of this year.  Hence, the title of this blog post and in the words of the great Merle Haggard…“If I (we) make it through December, everythings gonna be alright, I know.”
In spite of the bad memories from this unlucky ‘13’ year, I am still the luckiest woman in the world.  My parents are still with me and relatively healthy for being in their late eighties.  My children are happy and healthy and living their lives to the fullest, and my three grandsons make me beyond proud.  I have incredible friends, and so much to look forward to in my future.  I’m never going to stop believing in miracles or pursuing my dreams.   Great adventures await me and I know they are going to be amazing!