Happiness and Low Expectations

I used to love roller coasters. The wilder and faster, the better. My wife? Not so much. In fact, my love of roller coasters almost ruined my honeymoon way back in 1976. We were at Six Flags near Atlanta and, after expressing my love for roller coasters, I asked her if we could go on the Scream Machine together. It was the wrong question. The right question would have been: “Do you like roller coasters?” Had I asked, her answer would have been, “No, I’m terrified of them.”

But I was 19 and duller than a 5-watt bulb. So, we went on the Scream Machine, and she screamed all right. But so did I. The difference was…mine were happy screams. Hers were screams of sheer terror. Still limited by my dullness and wholesale lack of discernment, when the ride ended I asked if she’d like to go on it again. Through tears, she managed to say: “No, thank you. I don’t ever want to go on a roller coaster again.”

We’ll call this a “teaching moment.”

Over the years, she loosened her grip on this roller coaster moratorium, but just a little. Certain theme parks have kiddie-coasters with slow speeds and small hills, no sharp turns and certainly no upside down loops. We could go on these together. At the end, no screams, happy wife, bright future.

I didn’t know it then, but this roller coaster experience would later serve as something of a metaphor in our marriage. You see, on an emotional scale, my life is more like that roller coaster with big ups and big downs, crazy speeds and sharp turns. My wife, emotionally speaking, goes through life much more evenly, like riding that kiddy-coaster.

We’ve been married for 37 years, so we’ve gone through most of life’s trials together. I’m well aware by now of a certain pattern, a way we react towards the challenges, difficulties and disappointments that come our way.

Cindi’s mostly happy and, if she gets down or discouraged at all, she bounces back quickly. Her faith in God is rock solid. I envy her. Emotionally speaking, I’m all over the place. I’m riding the Scream Machine. I get discouraged much more often, get hurt far more easily, and take much longer to recover.

We’ve talked about why many times (usually when she’s trying to help me get to a better place). I believe it has something to do with where we set our expectations. I tend to set mine very high. Too high, as it turns out (see the roller coaster car rising, hear the click-click-click sound). As a result, since I have to live in the real world where almost nothing goes the way I planned, real life hits and falls so far short of my expectations. I come crashing down (see the little car now flying down the hill at breakneck speed).

Only on the roller coaster of life, my screams aren’t like the happy screams on my honeymoon. It can leave me feeling sad, hurt, even depressed. And it takes me way too long to get to a place of joy and faith than it should.

I don’t believe the solution is simply a matter of lowering my expectations, although that would help some. Cindi’s approach is really rooted in the wisdom of Scriptures like these:

“Hope deferred (i.e. expectations delayed or postponed) makes the heart sick…” (Prov 13:12)
“My soul, wait upon God only, for my expectation comes from Him…” (Psalm 62:5)

She has learned not to set her expectations high in earthly matters (including people), so when things don’t turn out as planned, her emotions don’t suffer the level of heart-sickness mine do. And she, generally, looks to God more often and more easily, allowing Him to set her expectations at what He provides.

I want to be more like her. So…what kind of roller coaster do you ride?

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