I wrote a poem. I need a critique. Please help.

I wrote a poem about my son today. I’ve been working on it for three days, including about an hour this morning. I’m ready to hear what people think.


Suggestions?


The second line was especially troubling for me (I’ve written it about three dozen ways), as was the transition from the second line into the third line.


I also need a title.  I have many options. I like none of them.


image


______________________________________


Untitled


Watching my baby boy crawl across the polished kitchen floor,
low to the ground like a Marine traversing a field of barbed wire, 
thinking he’s making his way to me,
his Daddy. 
only to realize that his target
was the rogue Cheerio
on the floor beside my sneaker.

 •  1 comment  •  flag
Share on Twitter
Published on April 27, 2013 04:44
Comments Showing 1-1 of 1 (1 new)    post a comment »
dateUp arrow    newest »

message 1: by PrimalAwakening (last edited Apr 27, 2013 10:42PM) (new)

PrimalAwakening Instead of "Marine traversing a field of barbed wire" would it perhaps sound better if you toned it down to something relating to a motor vehicle driver or worming his way like ... or a type of fish swimming in a river or sea?

If you ever watched Seinfeld there was a character in there in an episode hired by Elaine for her company's clothing catalogue who was from the military and his descriptions were always too harsh for the catalogue related to killing and military stuff. You just have to watch that episode to get the idea. And in regards to your poem, terms like barbbed wire sound too harsh in a poem when mentioning a baby but I loved the ending with the Cheerio :) Good luck with your poem.
PS Your son is adorable!


back to top