Notes from the Winter Solstice Meeting

Phew! Just back from the winter solstice meeting on Mount Olympus. I promised you a report. I don’t have any solid news yet, sorry, but I did petition the gods directly, so we’ll see what happens! The transcript of my talk with the Olympians is below.

 

Notes from Winter Solstice Meeting 2019,

Mount Olympus

600th Floor, Empire State Building

New York City

 

 

INT. MOUNT OLYMPUS – THRONE ROOM

 

We see an aging mortal writer in the midst of a great chamber. He is dwarfed by a semicircle of giant thrones inhabited by the Olympian deities.

 

Rick Riordan

Thank you for seeing me, O great Olympians.

Zeus

We understand you want . . . (checks notes) a reboot. What is wrong with your present boots?

RR:

No, Lord Zeus, a reboot adaptation of my books about Percy Jackson.

Zeus:

I knew that. Percy . . . Yes, he’s a good lad. Those movies, though –

Ares:

Oh, gods! No. Just NO. I wanted to KILL somebody.

Hermes:

To be fair, Ares, you always want to kill someone.

Ares:

THAT’S NOT THE POINT!

Athena:

Mr. Riordan, we already rained fire and pestilence upon that studio.

RR:

Yes, Lady Athena, and I appreciate that.

Athena:

The particular division that made those horrendous adaptations has been dismantled. And the remainder of the company has been . . . (dramatic pause) acquired. (Glances at Zeus) Which corporate hydra did we send to devour it? Starbucks? Amazon?

Hephaestus:

(grumpily) Disney. I made a very competitive bid with Hephaestus-TV, but I was rejected! Bah!

Athena:

I remember now. The hydra of the Mouse God. A powerful force indeed! At any rate, Mr. Riordan, after your first movie experience, didn’t you swear on the River Styx that you would never go to Hollywood again?

RR:

I may have made some rash statements to that effect.

Hades:

We take oaths on the River Styx very seriously, Riordan. Don’t make me claim your soul before its time!

RR:

No, Lord Hades. Of course not. I just thought . . . well, honestly, I’d be happy to just write books and ignore Hollywood forever, but my fans really, REALLY want me to try again, seeing as there are so many new opportunities now that Disney has acquired the rights –”

Artemis:

I loved Frozen. Oh, gods. Elsa is Hunter Squad goals!!!

Ares:

I preferred Mulan. The new live action version looks lit — like nuclear bomb lit.

Aphrodite:

You are all silly. The Little Mermaid is the best. (sighs)

Poseidon:

For once, I agree with you. (clears throat). But we’re getting off track. Riordan needs to appease his fans. That is something we gods can understand. What would you have us do, mortal writer person? A hurricane against Los Angeles? A tsunami? This is, after all, my son Percy’s reputation we’re talking about!

RR:

No, Lord Poseidon, nothing so dramatic. The executives I have talked to so far have been interested. I think they’ve listened to me. But there are many people that must give their input. Many executives to speak with.

Hermes:

 

True. The servants of the Mouse God are myriad.

RR:

 

Right now, they are considering my words, and talking, and pondering.

Athena:

That is wise. Such actions must be carefully considered.

Hermes:

Ugh, but pondering, though. That could take months. Years. Decades.

RR:

(sighs) True, Lord Hermes. It is a very long process. That’s why I was hoping you gods could give me your blessing. Perhaps send some good omens our way? Really, any support could help.

Zeus:

(stroking his beard) We could get a hashtag trending on social media.

RR:

Actually, my fans already did that, without me even asking. It shot to #1 worldwide on Twitter.

Demeter:

(busily sorting different kinds of cereal in a large bowl) You could spend more time meeting with people in Hollywood.

RR:

I have already done that. I’ve gone to L.A. twice this fall, each time for a full week of meetings.

Artemis:

(winces) That is a lot of time in L.A.

Athena:

Perhaps we could show Disney how beloved these books are. We could grant you tremendous success and years on the bestseller lists.

Hermes:

(waves his hand impatiently) Guys, Riordan’s already got huge success. Those Percy books have been on the bestseller list for ten solid years. That should be a strong enough message!

Ares:

Well, I suppose that leaves us no choice but a full frontal assault. I will summon the war chariots!

RR:

That’s not necessary, Lord Ares! Just your blessings are all I ask. May I continue to negotiate and push for a new adaptation? Will you favor my efforts?

Poseidon:

Absolutely! Those books have brought me incredible publicity. Er, I mean, they’ve brought all of us incredible publicity.

Ares:

Hmm. I didn’t come across as a very nice guy.

Silence.

Athena:

Anyway, what would this new adaptation look like, Riordan?

RR:

I have some very specific ideas, but it’s too early to say. We have to wait to see what the minions of the Mouse God are willing to consider. The most important thing is to do a faithful adaptation that makes the fans of my books happy. They’ve been waiting for over ten years, and I really don’t want to let them down.

Hermes:

Yes, fine, but what’s our cut?

RR:

Your cut? Um, well . . . you get lots of publicity. New readers hearing about you, learning your names and your deeds. I’ll even burn a sandwich in your honor.

Hermes:

Peanut butter?

RR:

Sure.

Hermes:

You are a shrewd negotiator, Riordan. I will support you.

Zeus:

Would you be willing to take some notes on the script, though? For one thing, I should be played by Brad Pitt.

Ares:

No, I’m Brad Pitt!

Demeter:

 

(looks up from her large bowl of cereal) No, Brad Pitt is mine! (blinks) Wait, what are we talking about?

Hera:

(glances up from her Good Housekeeping magazine) Go back to sorting your Frosted Flakes, Sister. (narrows her eyes at Riordan) I always come off looking like the villain in your books, Riordan. Why is that? Why should I support you?

RR:

Ah. Well, Lady Hera –

Zeus:

Don’t be touchy, my dear. He took artistic liberties, that’s all.

Hera:

Hmmm.

Zeus:

Speaking of artistic liberties, what if – hear me out – what if we made Percy Jackson a teenaged vampire?

Poseidon:

Never! But I think the story would work well if we made all the characters be in their early twenties. And we turned it into a sort of spy thriller meets romantic comedy.

Athena:

Or perhaps you could just let the author do what his millions of fans want and be faithful to the source material.

Zeus:

Well . . . I suppose you’re the goddess of wisdom for a reason.

Athena:

Also, I want to be played by Brie Larson.

Hermes:

Dibs on Benedict Cumberbatch.

Hades:

I want Stan Lee to have a cameo.

Zeus:

Stan Lee is dead; may the gods rest his soul.

Hades:

You’re talking to the Lord of the Underworld, here.

RR:

(under his breath) Suddenly an animated adaptation isn’t sounding so bad.

Aphrodite:

I just want to know when the casting calls are.

RR:

(confused) My lady?

Aphrodite:

Well, I know I don’t have any acting experience, but I look perfect for the role of Aphrodite and my friends all tell me I’m very dramatic.

Artemis:

You are Aphrodite, you nitwit.

Aphrodite:

Don’t be rude! I just want an audition.

RR:

Uh . . . okay. So then do I have your permission to keep pressing for a new adaptation?

Muttering and whispering among the gods.

Zeus:

Very well, mortal writer person, but even with the gods on your side, this will be a difficult struggle, and it may be a long time before you get a clear answer. Unlike the Olympians, Hollywood does not work during the winter holidays. Everyone is out of the office until after New Year’s.

RR:

Yes, Lord Zeus. But I must keep trying. For the fans! For the children!

Hera:

(rolling her eyes) You’re as dramatic as Aphrodite. By the way, I expect my part to be played by Elizabeth Taylor.

RR:

But she’s – (catches a warning look and a shake of the head from Zeus.) – I’ll see what I can do, Lady Hera.

Zeus:

Excellent! Now if you’ll excuse us, Riordan. We have other business to attend to. These climate disasters aren’t going to create themselves.

 

Riordan exits, bowing and scraping.

 

Zoom out from Mount Olympus to an aerial view of Manhattan.

 

Fade to black.