I Explain the Link between Christmas Carols and Sociopaths

I was asked to come up with a Christmas promotion for my St. Martins series, ME MYSELF AND WHY, about an FBI agent with Multiple Personality Disorder. The parameters were pretty flexible: I could write anything from setting new lyrics to a Christmas carol to weirdest gifts to nutty holiday traditions. So I instantly thought of the Christmas carol that has terrified me from the moment I heard it: BABY IT'S COLD OUTSIDE.
Seriously. It's scary, gang. It's like a prelude to date rape set to music. And I figured I can't be the only one who found the duet (the verses alternately sung by a couple) to be heavily creepy. So I put my own spin on it by writing how the MMY heroines would sing it.
For those of you who haven't read the BOFFO (Bureau Of False Flag Ops, where the main characters protect, serve, and annoy) books, the heroine, Cadence, is a multiple: two other personalities live in her head. Cadence is the sweetest, almost too sweet...if you spend too much time around her you'll need an insulin shot. Shiro is about as sweet as a bowl of vinegar and about as social, with a murderously quick trigger finger. Adrienne's the wild card: a complete weirdo and borderline psychotic, who emerges when one of the other personalities gets upset or angry. She's the FBI's version of the Tasmanian Devil.
BABY IT'S COLD OUTSIDE, actual lyrics (It's true! I'm not making it up! Prepare to be horrified.)
I really can't stay (Baby it's cold outside)
I've got to go away (Baby it's cold outside)
This evening has been (Been hoping that you'd drop in)So very nice (I'll hold your hands they're just like ice)My mother will start to worry (Beautiful, what's your hurry)
My father will be pacing the floor (Listen to the fireplace roar)
So really I'd better scurry (Beautiful, please don't hurry)
Well maybe just a half a drink more (Put some music on while I pour)The neighbors might think (Baby, it's bad out there)
Say, what's in this drink (No cabs to be had out there)

* * *
BABY IT'S COLD OUTSIDE: A duet sung by three people who live in the same body. Because nothing says "God bless us, every one!" like a severe psychiatric disorder.
"Okay, here we go: I'll sing the first part, and...well, I'll sing the first part. I really can't stay...um, Shiro, you missed your cue. I really can't stay...I really can't stay...oh, come on! Are we having trouble with this already? We're not even one whole verse into it! I really can't stay!"

"Ridiculous."

"I really can't stay."

"You should hear yourself."

"I really can't say!"

"Baby. It's cold outside."

"I've got to go away."

"Baby. It's really quite cold outside."

"This evening has been..."

"Been hoping that you would eventually drop in."

"So very nice."

"I'll hold your hands, as they are precisely like ice."

"My mother will start to worry."

"I would imagine, as her daughter is clearly in the clutches of a sociopath."

"My mother will start to worry!"

"Shrill is not a good look for you, Cadence. Calm down before you burst a blood vessel. Very well, here it is: Beautiful. What's your hurry. Ugh."

"My father will be pacing the floor."

"Hopefully while cradling a loaded shotgun. What is my line? Ah...to the fireplace roar. So he's apprehensive for his daughter and lurking near large pits of open flame? This song makes no sense."

"So really, I'd better scurry."

"She should just tell him she wants to leave, and if he doesn't stop with the date rape, she'll shoot him in the forehead with wad cutters."

"So really I'd better scurry."

"Beautiful, please don't hurry. Am I truly the only one comprehending these lyrics?"

"Well, maybe just a half a drink more."

"Put some music on while I pour—oh, wonderful. He's going to slip her some E. He's going to drug her so he can have his way with her. No. I'm done. This song is stupid and reads like a how-to manual for the neighborhood stalker."

"The neighbors might think..."

"What? Think what? That they should perhaps consider dialing 911? Because that is what I think."

"The neighbors might think..."

"I am leaving. But only after I say my next line, just so you can feel like an idiot: Baby, it is very very very very very bad out there. Uh-huh, sure it is. Oh, now look at this idiocy from the next verse: 'Say, what's in this drink.' See? She can taste the roofie! And then my horrid line is, 'No cabs to be had out there', meaning she's trapped like a cornered rat. No more! No more Christmas and no more singing, and that is my final word on—"

"The carols on the bus go round and round, round and round, the Shiro on the bus goes bye-bye now, allll the ressssst of the niiiiight."

"Perfect. The other horseman is here. Good night, both of you. And don't you dare gobble up all that hard sauce, Adrienne. Remember the rule: for every forbidden teaspoon full of sweet hard sauce, you have to eat a slice of fruitcake. I insist you obey: you get the pleasure of eating like a decadent wart hog, and all I get is a stomachache."

"You guys! Quit it and get back to singing! Shiro, don't you dare leave and Adrienne, don't you dare stay. STOP RUINING MY CHRISTMAS!"

"A Christmas without a nervous breakdown is a Christmas without sunshine."

"Deck the geese with beaks of holly, fa-la-la-la-la—because the wheels on the sleigh go round and round, round and round, reindeer round. The hooves and the deer go round and round, allll until they craaaaaash! Rudolph's nose is spread all over a cornfield! Then all the reindeer hated him! Serves you right, sqashed reindeer! Next time let me play your reindeer games! Round and round!"

"I am living in a road runner cartoon. Where did it all go wrong? Goodbye, Cadence. Goodbye, Adrienne.

"The feet! Of the geese! Are webbed with the wheels on the bus. Good night! Good night! Good night! Good night! God squash us, every one!"

"All I wanted was a nice evening singing Christmas carols with my sisters. But what I got was attitude from Shiro and psychosis from Adrienne. Worst Christmas ever, and it's only the first day of December!"

"Once more: shrill is not a good look for you."

"Good night! Good bye! Santa was too round and round; silly dumb glowy reindeer couldn't take the weight! Round and round, round and round...bye-bye, all the toys for girls and boys.

"Both of you can get lost now. Just take off so I don't have to talk to you for a while. Just head out. Leave and don't look back, because I've had enough. Okay? Okay? Okay. Um...Adrienne? Shiro? Nuts. C'mon back...it's too quiet in my head when you're not there. Hello? Anyone?

"Well, shoot. God bless us, every one. Or at least some of us."