Rachel Spangler's Blog, page 11

Christmas Song Blog: Day 3 –Where Are You Christmas?

My world is changing; I’m rearranging. D oes that mean Christmas changes, too?

I used to think that if I didn’t dive into Christmas with the gusto of a little child, I was somehow being sacrilegious or not fully honoring the occasion.  I used to think that being sad on Christmas was somehow suggesting that the birth of our Lord and Savior wasn’t good enough for me.  Like what more do you want than the salvation of the human race?

Now I think my view on Christmas and how it changes can be summed up by a Mohammed Ali quote: “The man who views the world at 50 the same as he did at 20 has wasted 30 years of his life.”

Right now I know my world is changing and rearranging.  My understanding of Christmas is changing, and I won’t go so far as to say that it’s better or worse than my understanding used to be, but I will say that it is more powerful.  I know that Jesus’s birth didn’t wipe away all the sadness in the world.  I know that Jesus’s birth brought God on high down into the fullness of the human experience, and that in doing so, God accepted the entirety of what it means to be human, all of the ups and the downs, the joy and the sadness, the hope and the fear. I think learning that really freed me to experience Christmas more fully, because I am learning to seek God in the good times and the bad. And in looking for God in more places, I have learned to recognize God in more places.

This year when I ask, “Where are you Christmas?”  It’s not because I can’t find joy or hope or peace anywhere. It’s because in addition to those things, I am also looking to meet Christ in places I’ve never dared to look before. The process is not always easy or natural for me, but when I open myself to seeking the Christ child everywhere, that’s where I tend to find Him.

Christmas Song Blog: Day 2 –Where Are You Christmas?

My world is changing; I’m rearranging. D oes that mean Christmas changes, too?

I used to think that if I didn’t dive into Christmas with the gusto of a little child, I was somehow being sacrilegious or not fully honoring the occasion.  I used to think that being sad on Christmas was somehow suggesting that the birth of our Lord and Savior wasn’t good enough for me.  Like what more do you want than the salvation of the human race?

Now I think my view on Christmas and how it changes can be summed up by a Mohammed Ali quote: “The man who views the world at 50 the same as he did at 20 has wasted 30 years of his life.”

Right now I know my world is changing and rearranging.  My understanding of Christmas is changing, and I won’t go so far as to say that it’s better or worse than my understanding used to be, but I will say that it is more powerful.  I know that Jesus’s birth didn’t wipe away all the sadness in the world.  I know that Jesus’s birth brought God on high down into the fullness of the human experience, and that in doing so, God accepted the entirety of what it means to be human, all of the ups and the downs, the joy and the sadness, the hope and the fear. I think learning that really freed me to experience Christmas more fully, because I am learning to seek God in the good times and the bad. And in looking for God in more places, I have learned to recognize God in more places.

This year when I ask, “Where are you Christmas?”  It’s not because I can’t find joy or hope or peace anywhere. It’s because in addition to those things, I am also looking to meet Christ in places I’ve never dared to look before. The process is not always easy or natural for me, but when I open myself to seeking the Christ child everywhere, that’s where I tend to find Him.

Christmas Song Blog: Day 2 – Breath of Heaven

“Do you wonder, as you watch my face, if a wiser one should have had my place?”

That’s one of my favorite lines in one of my favorite Christmas songs. Do you hear the doubt and the fear and the longing? Do you feel it? I do. I live it.

Sometimes I think everyone can see it. I worry my wife sees it. I wonder, when things get hard, when emotions run high and money runs low, does she realize what a terrible mistake she made by tying her future to someone who knows so little?

I worry my sons sees it daily, when I don’t have the answers to his questions. I’m sure the nurses saw it when they put him in my arms. Did the fear in my eyes make them wish they were handing that precious child to someone more qualified?

I worry my community sees it. The days after the election people kept sending messages or posting on my wall asking for inspiration. Asking for me to help them put things into perspective. Couldn’t they see I didn’t have anything to give? Surely there was someone better, stronger, smarter to turn to.

If I have led anyone to believe I am doing anything other than fumbling through the darkness right now, I have committed fraud. These blogs, my posts, my books, hell, most daily conversations are just me thinking out loud. Every word I write is me struggling to make sense of all the confusion in my own life and mind. I thought everyone knew that.

I am waiting in a silent prayer. I am frightened by the load I bear.

I have lain awake so many nights over the past week wishing desperately that I could be someone else. Someone who had answers. Someone who knew what to do. I am scared. I am hurt. I am lost. I am broken. And the weight of responsibility to those who came before not to let their fights be in vain and to those who come next to give him a future worth protecting, it’s crushing.

I lay there praying silently so many nights while my wife and son sleep. And I’m not talking about pretty flowery prayers. I beg God to tell me what to. Please tell me what to say, where to go, how to help. Please help me. I cannot do this alone. I simply don’t have the kind of fortitude or wisdom in me to go it alone.

In fact, that may be the sum total of the wisdom I possess. I cannot do this alone.

Still I offer all I am, for the mercy of Your plan.

The day after the election I woke up with a line in my head from an old Christian song. “I don’t know how you’re leading me, unless you’ve led me here, where I’m lost enough to let myself be led.”

Well right now I am lost enough to let myself be led. I want to be led. I am starving for guidance. I want so desperately to be better. To be the person everyone deserves. To be worthy of my call. I want to give my whole heart and mind and spirit over to a higher plan.

I hope that’s an important step toward Bethlehem this Christmas. To admit I don’t know how to get there on my own.

Maybe the first step is asking for help.

Help me be strong. Help me.

Christmas Song Blog: Day 1 – O Come Emmanuel

Things have been quiet on the Spangloblog lately, because, to be quite honest, I’ve been seriously depressed. Lots of tears, lots of fear, lots of anger, and so much exhaustion. The thought of blogging has not really appealed to me much, the thought of Christmas blogging even less so. I actually considered not doing my annual Christmas song blog this year. I just didn’t want the extra work, thought, and emotional output they tend to take.

That isn’t to say I didn’t want Christmas. I really want Christmas. I actually broke my cardinal rule and started listening to Christmas music BEFORE Thanksgiving this year. I basically started listening to nothing else right after the election. The lights went up on my house in November. I’m planning a holiday open house and invited like 80 people. I’ve been doing my best to use the power of Christmas and all its trappings to help me get through the horror of our current political realities.

That led me to think maybe I would do the song blog, except no real blog. Just the songs. No commentary. No thought. No emotional work. You’re all smart, you’d get the point. Right?

But what point?

That the world needs love right now? Duh.

That Christmas makes people happy? Sure.

That people need to find a way to be happy even when we are scared? That too.

A little bit of musical distraction is totally warranted. I don’t think anyone could really fault me for that. Except I kind of would.

Not because using Christmas that way is inherently wrong. I don’t think it is. But I do think it’s ineffective. Or at least less effective than it could be. Distractions are temporary and surface level. A band-aid on a bullet hole. As I said before, I have been listening to Christmas music for weeks, and still I am a walking ball of fear and frayed nerves. Clearly, using Christmas as a diversion is not enough.

And the thing is, I know that. Christmas isn’t songs and lights and food. Christmas isn’t a diversion or distraction. Christmas isn’t some mood-altering mind trick.

Christmas is a life-altering experience.

You can’t do Christmas halfway. Well, you can. Lots of people do, but you can’t expect it to change anything unless you’re willing to let it change you.

In order for that to happen, we have to learn to see Christmas as more than the happy little clean-and-bright story advertisers and even some churches paint it as.

I’ve written about this before, but it bears repeating that a true reading of the Christmas story reveals a harrowing tale of poverty-stricken people living under the foreign occupation of a brutally oppressive regime. Their families and friends turn against them after an unplanned pregnancy. They travel with virtually nothing through a wasteland of rugged terrain to get to a place where they are not really wanted. After being turned away by homes and businesses, they’re forced to take shelter with animals, in dark, unsanitary condition where they face a medical trauma that routinely kills woman, without trained help or even the support of loved ones. And then, when they survived that, the weight of the law fell on them, and one of the most powerful leaders in the world went on a killing spree, slaughtering innocents in order to snuff out every future hope of salvation. They were only able to escape the vast bloodshed by fleeing their homeland under the cover of night to live as refugees in a foreign nation.

You can’t sort through that narrative and choose to polish a few pieces. If you do, you lose the power of the whole. Christmas is not a happy escape from the word around us. It is not a diversion from the troubles of the day. Christmas isn’t an instruction manual for fixing anything specific on a global scale or even a local one. No governments were over thrown. No oppressors vanquished. No redistribution of wealth. Christmas is just a story of God looking down on this mess we have created for ourselves and being so moved by compassion He decided to join us.

Not fix everything for us. Not solve all our problems. Join us

Emmanuel. God with us.

God incarnate, plunked, of his own free will, right in the middle of the despair, the squalor, the violence. God with us then, now, always, in the worst of human conditions. God offered living, touchable, tangible proof that we did not have to face the pain and the anguish and desolation alone. At a time when human beings would have run, God refused to turn away. God did the opposite. God got closer.

That’s the transformative power of Christmas. It’s not replacing desperation with joy or fear for hope, or love for hate. It’s about knowing that all of these things can exist simultaneously. Christmas is not about getting away from things that challenge or frighten us. Christmas is about standing in the middle of your nightmare and knowing that God is there, too.

That might not be the kind of Christmas I want right now, but it is the one I need.

If you do, too, I welcome fellow travelers as I embrace this wonderful, terrifying, and life-altering journey in all its fullness over the next 25 days. May God’s presence bless us all along the rough and winding way.

Getting Naked in Toronto

I knew that title would get your attention, but now that I have it, settle in and let me tell you about my trip to the Naked Heart conference in Toronto this weekend.

This one really couldn’t have come at a better time for me and my family.  We were feeling damn near despondent after last week’s election. I lost 8 pounds through sheer grief. Tears flowed freely. Fear ran rampant. And while intellectually I knew we’d get through, that we’d pick ourselves up and start to fight back again, I had yet to figure out how.

Enter Canada.

As soon as I crossed the border, I started to feel a little better. I’ve always enjoyed going to Canada, and we’ve made the trip across the Peace Bridge many times over the years. This time felt different. It felt like entering a safe haven. The evening got even better when we got to Toronto and made a beeline for Chinatown (per my son’s request). I ate dumplings in a packed house and didn’t throw them up. Then we got crepes for dessert (also my son’s idea), and while I didn’t eat those, I did get to spend some time chatting with one of my former students and her husband, who are in the process of moving to Toronto.  We cried a little and laughed a lot, and I left feeling better than I had in several days.

The next morning the conference began at Glad Day Bookshop. And let me tell you, if the regular Canadians are nice and lovely and supportive, the book-loving Canadians are even better! The audience was packed even at 10 a.m. on a Saturday for the Speculative Brunch  reading I attended. The moderator welcomed us to “Science fiction, fantasy, and horror–otherwise known as the next four years.” It’s funny ’cause it’s true. Then we were treated to readings from David Demchuk, J.M. Frey, James K. Moran, Michael Lyons, ‘Nathan Burgoine, Stephen Graham King, and Steven Bereznai. Afterward I got to meet Steven, James, and Nathan, all of whom were lovely to chat with both then and throughout the rest of the weekend. If you read M/M spec fic you should go look them up!

The next session was a Lammy session with Felice Picano, Hasan Namir, Jeffrey Round, and Trebor Healey. This was such a wonderful and diverse set of readings. It’s clear to see why the authors are big award-winners, and they ran the gamut in style and content. After that panel I got to meet a couple of readers and also talk to Trebor for a little bit. Everyone was beyond nice, and they all offered sympathies about Trump’s election. Several people offered to help in any way they could, and I breathed a little easier with each show of support.

Finally, it was my turn to read. I got to share a sneak peak reading from Close to Home along with Christopher DiRaddo, Jessica L. Webb, Liz Bugg, and Sheila van den Heuvel-Collins.  Once again I was really pleased with the quality and diversity of work being shared in this session. I was also really happy with the audience, which was a good mix of men, women, and gender non-conforming folks.

Several readers and writers hung around to chat after our reading, and we had to step outside to make way for the next session. This put us on the sidewalk and inevitably talking about Trump and what his election meant for the queer community. I did the self-conscious thing I’ve gotten used to where I look over my shoulder to see who might be listening in, but what I saw this time only made me smile.

You see, Glad Day Bookshop is in the heart of Toronto’s gayborhood. As we stood there chatting openly about gay books and fears and making art in time of turmoil and dreading holiday conversations, we were completely surrounded by wonderful, caring, exuberant gay folks and allies. The conversations were much the same as I’d had at home, but the setting had changed so much it shook some of the sadness out of them, at least long enough for me to begin to rebuild my shattered senses.

This is where I have to stop and put in an all-out sales plug for Toronto, because getting through the next four years won’t be easy.  The fight will be long and hard. We will need breaks to recharge our bodies and our souls along the way. Travel is one of the best ways I have found to do that kind of recharging. I’ve heard it said that travel is one of the few things you can spend money on that makes you richer. I also think that travel can help ward off a sense of isolation and desperation.  Getting outside of what we know disrupts the limiting notions of what’s “normal” and shows us viable alternatives. And over the course of the next four years when those experiences become life-sustaining, I vote we spend our vacation dollars on supporting places and people who support us. There are progressive hubs in every state and progressive states throughout our country, but the Toronto folks in the gayborhood surrounding Glad Day Bookshop are among the best I’ve yet to meet, and they support our community at every level. The people, city, province, and country are all amazing.  Go visit them.

Okay, moving on. The next morning I was on the first panel of the day at a place called Buddies in Bad Times Theater.  They seem to do some really cool productions there, so when you visit Toronto, look them up. The panel topic was Too Queer/ Not Queer Enough”: Publisher Pressure and Reader Expectations. Joining me were authors Elizabeth Ruth,

Christian Baines, and hip hop artist Nari.  I have to admit that I was nervous about this one.  I had no idea what I was going to talk about. Hell, I couldn’t even tell if I was one of the ones who was too queer or not queer enough, but our moderator, Katie Sly, did a fantastic job and our audience was so wonderfully open that this ended up being my favorite session of the whole conference. I wish I could have bottled the energy in that room and brought it home to all of you.

By the time we crossed the Peace Bridge  that afternoon, I was sad to leave such wonderful company, but I felt a lot better about the work I would return home to do. It wasn’t easy to come back across the border  into the US, but I felt a lot strong than I had 48 hours earlier. It’s time to get back to work, and I have.  I’ve made a pledge to write 8 book in the next four years.  I commit to telling our stories, love stories, to the best of my ability for as long as you all will keep reading them.  That’s my job, that’s my fight, that’s how I rage against the dying of the light. It’s what I have to do, what we all have to do, but I will be the first to admit that doing so is a littler easier because I know there’s a safe retreat filled with wonderful people and beautiful book lovers just three hours north.

So thank you, Canada. Thank you, Toronto. Thank you, Glad Day Bookshop, and thank you to every conference organizer and volunteer who helped to make the Naked Heart Festival possible. I owe you a deep debt of gratitude, and I have a feeling I’ll be back to visit you all again sooner rather than later.

 

 

I’m Going To Canada

For real. I’m not kidding. No matter what happens today, I’m leaving the country. I’m going to a place where people are liberal and nice and have a sense of human decency.

You think I’m kidding?

Well, I’m not!

I am honestly going to the Naked Heart Literary Festival in Toronto, Ontario this weekend.

All election-day stress aside, I am really excited to spend my weekend in a beautiful city surrounded by literary queers.  I can’t wait to meet some new readers and writers, and the program looks amazingly diverse in ways we don’t often see in the states.

I am doing a reading on Saturday  with the Sneak Peeks and Previews group from 2:00-3:15 at Glad Day Bookshop.  Then on Sunday I will be part of the Too Queer or Not Queer Enough: Publisher Pressure and Reader Expectations panel from 10:30 – 11:45 at Buddies in Bad Times.   If you want more information, you can check out the website here https://nakedheart.ca but all in all it looks like a great event with some fascinating topics and awesome writers.  Plus it’s sponsored by Glad Day Book Shop, which is the world’s oldest LGBT bookstore. How cool is that?

If you are in the Toronto area or looking for a Canadian road trip, I sure hope you’ll join us!

 

Announcement Blog

Hey Friends,

Just a quick blog with a few updates for you.  First of all, in case you missed my announcements on social media, Ann Etter won the Perfect Pairing Reader Loyalty Contest. She has chosen to name a future character “Cordelia Esme,” so be sure to watch for her in a future Rachel Spangler novel.

Next, Women’s Week is next week!  I am beyond excited to get back to Provincetown and see so many of my favorite readers and writers. Here is the official Bywater Books schedule for that event.

In addition to my Bywater events, I will also have a reading with the Golden Crown Literary Society at the Sage Inn from 12:00-1:15, followed by a signing until 1:30.

I will also be taking part in the annual readers and writers wiffleball game on Friday from 5:00-6:30(ish) in the open field at 104 Bradford street.  This is a fun, casual event, and all are welcome to play or watch the game.

Women’s Week is always a great time, and there’s something for everyone, so if you’re interested, you can check out the whole schedule here.

Finally, I’m really excited to announce that I have been selected to participate in the Naked Heart – LGBTQ Festival of Words. This three-day event in the Church & Wellesley neighborhood of Toronto includes workshops, panels, performances and discussions for writers and lovers of words.  I’ll be posting more about this exciting event in the coming weeks, but for those of you in the Toronto area or looking for an excuse to visit the Toronto area, mark your calendars for November 11-13!

 

Last Day of the Perfect Pairing Contest!

Just a quick reminder. You only have until midnight (PST) tonight to get me those pictures of your own grilled cheese creation next to your copy of Perfect Pairing, (print or ebook).  Looks something like this:

Then post it on social media (FB/Twitter/Insta). I’ll have Jackson help me pick a random winner this weekend and post the results next week along with the name of a character who will appear in a future Rachel Spangler novel.

Hope to hear that all of you are eating grilled cheeses for dinner tonight!

Buffalove: Wingfest

Hey friends,

I was out and about in Buffalo this weekend and thinking about all my lovely blog readers, so I paused my wing eating just long enough to make a new video for you.

Check it out here:

Also, don’t forget you’ve only got a little more than a week to enter my loyal-reader drawing.  Just post a picture of your own grilled cheese creation next to your copy of Perfect Pairing on Facebook/Twitter/Instagram and tag me for your chance to win naming rights to a character in an upcoming Rachel Spangler book!

Buffalove: Canalside

Hey Folks,

At the start of this season of promoting Perfect Pairing, I promised some videos on the subject of the novel’s setting: Buffalo, New York.  Then I sort of slacked off this summer.  Sorry.  But I’m back at it again, and this past weekend I was down on the Buffalo waterfront, so I shot a short video to help share the Buffalove.  Check it out!

Also, just a quick reminder that you still have about 2 weeks to take a picture of your own grilled cheese creation next to your copy of Perfect Pairing, because if you do, you’ll be entered for a chance to win naming rights to a character in an upcoming Rachel Spangler novel.  Just be sure to tag me when you share the photo on Facebook, Twitter, or Instagram. We’ve only had a handful of entries so far, so your odds of winning are still pretty good!