Steve Dublanica's Blog, page 32

Freaky Creepy People

It's a hot June afternoon and I'm travelling downstate with my joint custody dog Buster to meet a friend. But as I zip down the highway I realize I'm feeling tired so I decide to visit the biggest pusher of psycho-stimulant substances in the world – Starbucks. Let's face it, next to these guys Pablo Escobar was running a lemonade stand.

Luckily I score a parking spot in front of a Starbuck's inside a busy strip mall. Now it's a hot day and I'm loath leaving Buster inside a car but I had the A...

Must Love Dogs

I'm taking my joint custody dog Buster for his morning constitutional when he spots a woman standing in the street waiting for the bus. Being territorial he races towards the woman causing her to emit a loud scream.

"Are you okay Miss?" I ask.

Since Buster's on a leash he fell short of the woman by ten feet. As he wags his tail the woman gives me a look designed to reduce my body into subatomic particles. It doesn't work.

I smile reassuringly. "It's only a small dog Miss."

"I don't like...

Digital Limb

A couple of weeks ago I felt a strange sensation in my ass.

I was sitting down watching television (Flash Forward) when I felt my cell phone vibrate in my left back pocket. But when I reached to it, much to my surprise, it wasn't there. I shrugged it off. Maybe a passing truck and sent some tremors up though my couch. But ten minutes later my left butt cheek vibrated again. And again. And again. "I must've pulled something at the gym," I told myself, and left it at that.

But the phantom...

Restore Stephen Baldwin

As I was reading today's NY Post an article caught my eye. Turns out Stephen Baldwin of the Baldwin Brothers filed for bankruptcy earlier this summer and his friends have launched a website called Restore Stephen Baldwin to help him pay off his debts. The gist of site is that Steve's conversion to born again Christianity has cost him lucrative Hollywood gigs and now he needs donations from the public to keep him afloat. And while Steve readily admits he owes people money, I couldn't find...

Beautiful Mount Airy Lodge

I still had some finishing touches to do for my next book so, to cut down on the distraction level; I went my parents in the hinterlands of Pennsylvania for some uninterrupted work time. It's like a writer's retreat on the cheap. My parents make sure I'm fed, sleep decent hours but otherwise leave me alone. And since there are no other writers around to annoy me it's perfect.

Going to the country turned out to be one of the smarter decisions I've made because I was able to focus on my work...

Coming November 2, 2010

Yep, the book's done. Coming to fine bookstores and online retailers 11/02/10. Pre-order now!

You Will Respect My Authoritah!

It's a dazzling bright sunny day and I have to drive to the supermarket. Oh goody, I get to wear my sunglasses. But they're not just any sunglasses, mind you. They're my thousand-yard stare enhancing Ray-Ban Louisiana State Trooper sunglasses.

When I stop at a traffic light I look over and see a black Cadillac Escalade idling next to me. The driver's a largish businessman balancing a cup of Dunkin Donuts coffee on his steering wheel and yelling into a cell phone. I can't hear what he's...

Ferris Wheel

I'm in a small white building attending a seminar I really don't want to be at. I think the topic's religion. When we break for coffee I walk over to the glass wall that makes up the front of the building and look outside. In the distance high atop a hill, a huge Ferris wheel turns slowly in the night sky.

As I'm admiring the sights the Ferris wheel is suddenly consumed by a storm of swirling emerald dust. Then a series of fiery explosions thunder up the opposite sides of the wheel...

CAFÉ DE LIQUIDATION

CAFÉ DE LIQUIDATION

"We make all your problems disappear - deliciously"

Lè Menu

Primi

* Threatening phone calls delivered with a flavoring of subtle menace. 20

* Threatening phone calls delivered with powerful overtones of menace. 25

* Line caught Chilean Sea Bass wrapped in newspaper and delivered to lè problem's doorstep. 50

* Breaking lè problem's window with bottle of Bacardi Reserve 150 Proof Rum stuffed with flaming fine     linen. 60

* Wound infliction with a French sea salt rub. 70

Beneath the Waves

I'm at the dog park with Buster enjoying a beautiful day when one of the regulars taps me on the shoulder.

"Hey," he says. "Look. There's a hawk over there."

I turn around and see a large brown hawk standing fifty yards outside the fence.

"Wow," I say. "There's something you don't see every day."

"What's that in front of him? Look like a squirrel."

"Could be a rabbit."

"Whatever it is," the regular says. "I think it's dead."

I have no idea what kind of hawk's out there but my guard goes up...