Jennifer Bene's Blog, page 8
September 12, 2018
Teaser Wednesday! ‘Grounded’ by Anna Edwards
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I had a great time at Show Me Your Books in Kansas City, I loved seeing everyone! But then my mom fell and broke her hip on Saturday, so I drove home Saturday night to be here for her surgery on Sunday morning. She made it through and is in good spirits. We’ve got some challenges with rehab + continuing chemo, and a lot more questions than answers on what will happen next, but she’s okay right now and that’s all that matters. I have some more things to announce, but first I want to share a story from the upcoming anthology I am in, Just Breathe. This is an anthology to benefit, To Write Love On Her Arms. To Write Love On Her Arms, is a non-profit movement dedicated to presenting hope & finding help for people struggling with depression, addiction, self-injury and suicide.
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Grounded
What is normal because I know I’m certainly not it.
Just stepping outside my front door leaves me wrecked.
My life used to be incomparable too what it is now.
Happiness and love filled my days and nights with joy.
Now it’s just panic, fear and crippling anxiety.
A constant battle to keep GROUNDED.
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Teaser
Have you ever felt like you’re an outsider looking in on your life? It’s how I feel every day. I have something called anxiety. It’s because of a past traumatic experience—well, that’s what the doctors said anyway. They gave me these little white, round tablets and sent me on a course to learn how to overcome it: something called cognitive behavioral therapy. It was interesting, and I learned a lot, but for me, it was utterly useless. I still have anxiety, and I don’t think it’s ever going to go away. Anxiety isn’t just something you ‘get over’ with a sound night’s sleep, or you can just ‘pull yourself out of’ as people often say to me. It’s ingrained in my mind; in every pore of my body. And, just like now, as I try to take a step out of my front door on what is a particularly bad day, it is completely debilitating.
My knuckles are white as snow as they grip tight to the wooden frame of my doorway. ‘You can do this,’ I tell myself. ‘You’ll be fine. There’s nobody around to see you and laugh at you. Nobody’ll hurt you.’ My heart rate accelerates; I can feel it almost beating out of my chest. Thump, thump, thump. Ouch, it hurts. My palms are sweaty and start slipping on the door frame, which I grip hold of for dear life. This is just crazy. Next, the world begins to spin. I’m dizzy and disorientated. How can I be this weak? How can I be this much of a freak? I force my feet forward, but my legs turn to jelly. They’re barely holding me up. Last of all comes the nausea, I want to vomit. Many times, in the past, I have. Supermarkets, doctors’ offices, even walking down the street when someone has looked in my direction and smiled at me, I’ve opened my mouth and brought up the contents of whatever meal I’ve just eaten. If there’s anything going to bring on more anxiety, it’s people gawking at you while you stand in a pile of your own sick.
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Things are hard right now lovelies, every time I am almost caught up, something else happens. I can only hope my mom can heal without complication and I can get back to writing. I can’t wait to share with you more about this anthology though, stay tuned as I have more coming!
Add to your Goodreads now!
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Want to more about Anna Edwards
Amazon bestselling author, Anna Edwards hails from the rural countryside near London. She previously worked as an accountant, and while she still does a bit of accountancy on occasion, the majority of her time is now spent writing and looking after her family.
An avid reader herself, Anna turned to writing to combat depression and anxiety after her diagnosis in 2015. She loves travel, hunky heroes with dirty mouths, demure but spunky heroines, and dramatic suspense. You will find all four woven into each of her magical stories.
Follow Anna Online!
Amazon → http://amzn.to/2Btjgyk
BookBub → http://bit.ly/2ySXdOx
Facebook → http://bit.ly/2yTKQC4
Goodreads → http://bit.ly/2BDeGjE
Twitter → http://bit.ly/2CzwOYj
Website → https://authorannaedwards. com
September 5, 2018
Teaser Wednesday! ‘Island Captive’ by Jane Henry
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There has been a lot of chaos here at the new house. New fridge, then replacement fridge. Cleaninnggggggg. Building furniture. Unpacking boxes (omg so many boxes). Getting ready for dogs, getting Maverick and Bailey!! Getting in trouble with the HOA because of the old homeowners. Ant infestations. Trying to still do day job work while also tackling the insane task of having anxiety in a house that is utter chaooossssss!!! So much that I almost forgot to share this, but how could I not?? Jane Henry just had a release last week and I can’t wait to dive into it!
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Island Captive
I was hired to apprehend a monster – a Dom who’d been sentenced to life for killing his submissive. I’ve seen what he’s capable of, and the images will haunt me forever. I swore I’d stop at nothing to put him behind bars.
But then our plane back to the States crashes.
We are the only two survivors.
And the monster will make me wish I’d died along with the rest of them…
* * *
Teaser
She hisses when her spanked ass comes in contact with the rough fabric on my jeans. Tipping one finger under her chin, I lift her eyes to mine. “Are you going to do what I say now?”
She glares at me and I see a flash of something I’ve never seen in her eyes before. Is it vulnerability? Something about being taken over my lap brought out the little girl in her. Tears glitter in her eyes, her lips pointing down in a frown.
“Fuck you,” she hisses.
I clearly haven’t broken her. I almost put her back over my knee. But no. Spanking is only one of many tools I have.
I gently push her off my lap and let her fall to her knees on the floor. I leave her panties on. I enjoy seeing them bunched up around her ankles as I force her onto her knees in front of me.
“I told you if you didn’t watch that mouth, I’d find another use for it,” I say, reaching for my zipper. The anger momentarily fades in her eyes, and they widen almost comically.
With her hands cuffed in front, still on her knees, she’s given no choice. I control this situation.
My cock is rock hard after spanking her. Causing pain like that always awakens the sadist in me, the one who yearns to cause pain and discomfort. Memories flash before me when I let my mind wander, the pain I’ve inflicted over the years burned into my mind like a scorching brand on flesh. I’ll never erase those memories from my mind.
“Open your mouth,” I order, fisting her hair and drawing her head back. Her mouth parts open and she stares at me. I lean in and rasp against her ear. “And now, you’ll show me how to use that mouth. Do anything funny, and I’ll make you wish you hadn’t. Is that clear?”
She gives the faintest nod of her head.
She knows I’ve left her little choice but to do what she’s told. She also knows if I wanted to, I could have her spread eagled on that bed, taking my cock.
But not now. Not yet. Not until she begs.
I remove my cock, and slide it into her warm, wet mouth. Her eyes widen in surprise, then go half-lidded as she tentatively suckles.
I haven’t had sex in so long, I have to stifle a sigh. It feels so fucking good.
But this is about gaining control, not losing it, and I can’t let her see how her little mouth around my cock unravels me.
“Good girl,” I say, guiding her head with my fist in her hair, shoving it back and forth so her head bobs between my legs. “That’s a very good girl.”
I reach down and tweak her nipples while she sucks, making her moan and squirm. I knead them in my hand, palm them, then give lazy little pinches that make the buds harden and peak. Her eyes close and she sucks harder. I release one breast, grab her hair, and bob her head faster, fucking her mouth with savage thrusts of my hips. She gags, and when she opens her eyes, they water.
Maintaining eye contact, I keep a hold of her hair, pulling it from time to time to guide her mouth on my cock. I’m drunk on this, and I need to come. “You like this?” I ask her. “You like being a slut for your sir?” Another sharp thrust of my hips and she gags, pitching forward, inhaling deeply through her nose. But she can’t help the little moan she releases around my cock.
Fuck yes. Jesus Christ, this feel so fucking good.
When I’m just on the verge of coming I pull out, release her hair, swing it in front and wrap it around my cock. I fist my swollen cock in my hand, watching her eyes go wide when she looks at the large length.
“You stay there,” I rasp. “You watch me come. I’ll mark you, Nadine. Mark you as mine.”
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Holy shit island captive sounds HOT! If I ever unpack my house and organize my office, I am digging into this one asap! I hope you read it and tell me what you think, lovelies, get your finger ready and #oneclick now!
Amazon: 1-click it now
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Want to know more about Jane Henry?
Jane is an international bestselling erotic romance author in multiple genres, including contemporary, historical, sci-fi, and fantasy. She pens stern but loving alpha heroes, feisty heroines, and emotion-driven happily ever afters. Jane is a hopeless romantic with a houseful of children, and is married to her very own Prince Charming. She loves the ocean, chocolate, coffee, and sexy romance.
Website: https://janeandmaisy.com/
Amazon Author Page: https://www.amazon.com/Jane-Henry/e/B01BYAQYYK/
Goodreads: https://www.goodreads.com/author/show/237501.Jane_Henry?from_search=true
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/janeandmaisy/
Newsletter Sign-up: https://www.subscribepage.com/w6x2x3
August 29, 2018
Teaser Wednesday! ‘Blaze’ by Renee Rose
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I now own a house, things have been moved and now there are so many boxes to unpack. Things have been so crazy, kiddo has started kindergarten, and I pick up my dogs next weekend, but when I saw this I knew I had to make time to share it. Tell me what you think!
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Blaze
Lia:
Here’s what I know: Firemen are nicer than cops.
More predictable. They have that same hero desire but it burns brighter.
They’re not quite as power-hungry or controlling. Except for the captain.
They call him Blaze and he’s got a streak of controlling cop for sure.
It’s a trait that unfortunately makes my knees go weak in a boss.
Especially a beefy fire captain boss.
Blaze:
Having smoking hot Lia Burke in my firehouse might be the death of me.
I can’t stand the other guys ogling her. They are not exactly PC.
It’s locker room talk around here twenty-four seven.
I swear I’m going to have a sexual harassment claim on my hands in less than a month.
And I’ll probably be the guy who crosses the line first.
* * *
Teaser
He lifts his chin toward an open door. “The bedroom’s in there. I want you to go in, shut the door, and take off all your clothes but your panties. If you need to use the restroom, do that first. Then kneel in the corner and wait for me.”
The flutters in my belly surge, my whole pelvic floor lifts and squeezes. This is really happening.
He’s serious.
Part of me wants to run for the door as fast as I can.
But I’m no chicken.
And besides, I want this.
It’s way more than a curiosity. Way beyond seeing what makes the captain tick. This is for me. When he mentioned punishment, something I never knew was inside me woke up. It was like he was speaking a secret language to me.
And yes, absolution for my sins sounds wonderful.
So does having it delivered by the sexy captain.
“Yes, sir.” I walk on wobbly knees to the bedroom and shut the door. This room is like the rest of the place. Clean. Comfortable. Simple.
I feel like I’m at the doctor’s office, where you strip as fast as you can because the thought of not being in the appropriate garb when the doctor comes back is embarrassing.
I want to get this right.
Do whatever Blaze asks of me.
And yeah, the kneeling gave me pause. But only for a second. And then it turned me way the hell on.
I take off my clothes and fold them up. In the corner, I see he’s put a small pillow on the floor.
It’s so freaking thoughtful, my chest tightens. Heart pounding, I drop to my knees on it, facing the juncture of the two walls.
Blaze comes in and shuts the door. I listen for his footsteps, but they don’t come to me, they head toward the bed.
“Come here, little girl.”
I stand up, heat burning my cheeks. It’s one thing to play sexy cock tease and goad him into spanking me at the station. It’s quite another to be called on the carpet this way. The fact that I’m almost completely naked and he’s fully dressed makes it all the more squirmy, which I’m sure is his intent.
Still, he’s warm. Almost inviting. He spreads his knees wide and reaches for me, pulling me to stand between them. He cups my ass in his hands, kneading possessively.
“Do you know what a safe word is?”
I nod.
“I need a yes, sir.”
“Yes, Daddy.”
His lips twitch. “What’s yours, baby?”
I nibble my lip. “Um… firetruck.”
* * *
A hot fireman story? Yes please, sign me up as I could gladly read about him instead of unpacking all of these endless boxes. Don’t forget to click and have some water ready, your kindle is about to catch fire!
Amazon: 1-click it now!
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Want more of Renee Rose?
USA Today Bestselling Author Renee Rose is a naughty wordsmith who writes kinky BDSM and spanking romance novels. Named Eroticon USA’s Next Top Erotic Author in 2013, she has also won The Romance Reviews Best Historical, Sci-Fi and BDSM awards, Spanking Romance Reviews‘ Best Historical, Erotic, Ageplay and favorite author, and was a finalist for The BDSM Writer’s Con Golden Flogger award. She’s hit #1 on Amazon in multiple categories in the U.S. and U.K., is often found on the list of Amazon’s Top 100 Erotic Authors. To receive four free books from Renee, sign up for her mailing list here.
Website: http://reneeroseromance.com/
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/reneeroseromance
Twitter: https://twitter.com/ReneeRoseAuthor
Instagram: http://instagram.com/reneeroseromance
Goodreads: http://www.goodreads.com/author/Renee_Rose
August 20, 2018
Happy Surprise Release Day!
Life has been crazy for me. My mom’s health isn’t great, as you know from my last post, I closed on my new house, I am adopting dogs and kiddo has started school! Even with all of that, I can’t just sit still so I may have dropped a surprise release? #SorryNotSorry
A few months ago I updated the covers of The Rite, The Invitation and Reunited. They looked so unloved, I felt they needed that boost. With everyone loving the covers, I thought these books just HAD to have their own boxset and when I saw the cover, I knew exactly what to name it.
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Sometimes you can’t fight attraction, no matter how deviant it may be.
In this naughty collection everyone has their deviant desires, secret fantasies, and wicked attractions that tempt them into the unknown.
Whether it’s a private party where a good girl gets the chance to bring her dark side out to play, or a high school reunion where a second chance at the love of her life gets even better when his best friend wants to play too – The Invitation and Reunited will give you all the kinky menage romance you can handle!
And if you’re feeling extra daring, the twisted novella The Rite brings together danger, dark lust, and a magical HEA to take you through the darkness and into the bright light of love.
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I hope you pick it up, it is such a great collection of stories and it is the FIRST TIME these stories are available in print!
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Will you see me? I will be at Show Me Your Books in Kansas City September 7 and 8 and I want to see you! I will have lots of books and swag, I want you to go home with an armful. If you haven’t planned on coming, change those plans now!
I am even going to meet up with fans Friday afternoon!
Check out the event here: https://www.facebook.com/events/52830...
Join the conversation about it here: https://www.facebook.com/groups/33820...
THEN
Preorder your books here, I won’t have my entire library and don’t want you to miss getting the books you love!
August 15, 2018
Free book extravaganza! Want even books more for free?
I am filling up your Kindle this month, lovelies, because here are 49 *free* books available through this ‘Hot and Steamy Reads’ giveaway from 40 USA Today and international bestselling authors! I honestly can’t believe the names that are giving books away in this. I have ‘Lethal Sin’ (with its new cover) and I have to admit there are some books on this list that I had to jump up and grab because I’m that excited about them!
All you do is sign up for the author’s mailing list and not only do you get to try a free book from them, you get to hear about their future new releases too! Can’t beat that, lovelies.
Grab your free books now!
Just check out the authors participating in this event: Abiegail Rose, Abigail Raines, Alexa Mclean, Alyssa Turner, Amber Thielman, Amy Brent, Amy Heighton, Arabella Steedly, Aston Blackthorne, Astrid Lee Donovan, Bella Cooper, Bianca Foxx, Chloe Lane, Corrine Matthews, Ellie Gerrard, Emma N, Holly Jaymes, J.R. Ryder, Jackson Kane, Jade Alters, Jade Olsen, Jennifer Bene, Jennifer Woodhull, K.J. Dahlen, Kelly Collins, Kimberly Knight, May Johnson, Mia Taylor, Natalia Salsky, Natasha Spencer, NJ Cole, Oliver Durant, Parker S Huntington, Romi Hart, Simone Leigh, Stella Marie Alden, Suzie Grace, T.N. King, Tobi Doyle, and Zara West!
Better hurry though… this giveaway is only available August 15th – August 31st.
August 14, 2018
Teaser Tuesday! ‘Love Undercover’ by LK Shaw
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Fuck me things are busy. I swear one day I will have room to breathe. I hope by next week I will have news to share, I have so much going on! LK Shaw just released her new book Love Undercover this week and it is SO HAWT. Check out this snippet and tell me what you think!
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Love Undercover
Raised by her father and four older brothers, it came as no surprise when Ines Rodriguez followed in their footsteps and became a cop. After her oldest brother goes missing while investigating Miguel Alvarez, head of the Juarez Cartel’s U.S. operation, Ines infiltrates the organization to find him.
For five years, Brody Thomas has been deep undercover within the Juarez Cartel, working to bring the criminal administration down. When Miguel’s nephew brings home a sexy-as-hell Latina bombshell as his latest arm candy, alarm bells go off. Something feels wrong, yet Brody can’t keep his distance from her, even knowing his attraction could cost him his life.
But secrets never remain buried, and after Brody’s are uncovered, Ines will have to use every weapon in her arsenal to save him.
* * *
“Kiss me again,” I commanded, my fingers tangling in his hair and pulling him back down to me.
He immediately complied and more as his mouth nipped my bottom lip before ghosting along my jaw and into the sensitive crease in my neck. I tilted my head to give him better access. His tongue dampened my skin, and his breath warmed it. I should have guessed his intent, but I still gasped when hot moisture enveloped my breast. I couldn’t help tighten my grip on his hair, which I quickly loosened when I felt him flinch against me.
“Sorry.”
He released my nipple with a pop and tilted his head to smile up at me.
“A little hair pulling never hurt anyone.” He winked before returning to his task.
Tomás paid homage to both breasts, with either his mouth or his hand while he plucked and tweaked my puckered tips. I giggled when he brushed his lips over my belly. His scruff tickled. He didn’t stop his movements while he settled his broad shoulders between my parted thighs. His eyes darted up and our gazes met and held. I watched his fingers part my lower lips and then his tongue swiped a path up my slit taking my juice with it. My breath was coming in shallow gasps now, and I couldn’t take my eyes away. Tomás licked his lips as if savoring my flavor. Then he lowered his head again. This time he didn’t stop with a single lick. He nibbled and sucked and flicked his tongue, finding the perfect rhythm and pressure to drive me wild.
He shifted and hooked my knees over his shoulders before pulling me closer and opening me wider. I was helpless to do anything else, but let him continue his sensual assault. My bones were like jelly, and I was putty in his hands. When he speared my opening, pushing his tongue in deeper and deeper, my thighs actually quivered. Tomás was merciless while he sipped and drank down my juices. I was on the verge of orgasm and then, without warning, it struck and I had no choice in losing eye contact, because my head was thrown back in ecstasy. Tremors racked my body, and I cried out his name.
Small quakes still fluttered inside me, especially when he slid back up my body and stared down at me, his mouth glistening. It was so fucking sexy, and this weird need came over me. A need to see how we tasted together. I pulled Tomás’ head down to me and plunged my tongue in his mouth, sampling our mixed flavors. It was erotic and sexy and we both tasted amazing. He groaned at my action and then pulled back, caging my head between his arms.
“Mmm, I love how we taste.” I licked my lips, drawing in a blend of his natural mint flavor and my musky sweetness.
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This is so hot, I can’t wait to dive in and devour this! Have you tapped that 1-Click button yet? What are you waiting for??
Amazon: 1-click it now!
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Want more of LK Shaw?
LK Shaw is a physical therapist assistant by day and author/social media addict by night. She resides in South Carolina with her high maintenance beagle mix dog, Miss P, who should probably just have her own Instagram account. An avid reader since childhood, she became hooked on historical romance novels in high school. She now reads, and loves, all romance sub-genres, with erotic romance and romantic suspense being her favorite. LK enjoys traveling and chocolate. Her books feature hot alpha heroes and the strong women they love.
LK loves to interact with readers. You can follow her on any of her social media. Don’t forget to sign up for her monthly newsletter! http://eepurl.com/ds5MOb
Make sure to follow LK for more new releases coming soon!
Follow her on social media:
Author Page: www.facebook.com/LKShawAuthor
Author Profile: www.facebook.com/AuthorLKShaw
Twitter: www.twitter.com/LKShaw_Author
IG: @LKShaw_Author
Amazon: amazon.com/author/lkshaw
Bookbub: https://www.bookbub.com/authors/lk-shaw
Website: http://lkshawauthor.wixsite.com/lkshawauthor
August 10, 2018
Let’s talk about cancer & caregiving
Fair warning, lovelies. I named this post “Let’s talk about cancer & caregiving” for a reason. I don’t want there to be any surprises here. I’m going to talk about cancer, and it’s going to be super fucking depressing, but if you want to know what’s going on with me / how I’m feeling… I’m doing another one of “those” posts. Just, without the surplus of entertaining gifs or upliftingness that usually comes with these.
Sorry.
Are you still in? Okay.
Early this morning I went to my doctor for the typical 90-day med check appointment you have to do in the US in order to continue receiving medication like anti-depressants. I’m not against these visits (even though they cost a stupid amount of money) because if someone was really in distress, this might be the time when a doctor would see it and be able to take action before the worst happened.
I want to reassure all of you that in no way am I suicidal or thinking of hurting myself or anyone else, or anything like that. I answered all of those questions this morning the same way.
I’m just depressed because my mom is dying.
So, as she and I were talking about the anti-depressants I told her that I’d stopped taking them because I’d had random weight gain and I really didn’t need to add “my pants are too tight” to the list of shit in my life. I love my doctor because she didn’t judge at all, she just asked me if I thought the meds were helping….
And I just started crying.
Now, I don’t really cry in front of people. I’ll angry-cry in front of people, in that mindset where you’re just so frustrated/furious/upset over something that the tears happen – but real, I’m-broken-inside-and-cant-fix-it crying needs to happen in private. Obviously, I had held it in for too long and so I ended up messy crying in front of her until it was pretty hard to talk and get things out.
When I got to the parking lot I couldn’t drive because I couldn’t stop crying, and so I turned to Twitter (which is generally where I go to just let my brain loose since I have low interaction on Twitter and few people see those posts, but I still get it *out* in a way that helps my brain).
What you’ll read below is a cleaned up version of that twitter thread, found here.
Here is all of the rambling going on in my head right now.
I need to talk about being a #caregiver and #cancer somewhere, so I’m doing it.
Having a terminally ill parent means living every day waiting for the worst day of your life. Every call makes me nauseous, I answer all the random numbers worried it’s a doctor/hospital/medical alert telling me that something has happened. Or THE thing has happened that’s ultimately going to kill my mom.
It’s not just the constant, ever present tension and anxiety that at any moment it could be her last. It’s also the pressure to make *every* moment mean something. I don’t talk about my family a lot, but so that you know, my kiddo is five. Another little known fact is that my mom was first diagnosed with stage one cancer when I was six months pregnant.
She did chemo/radiation, a lot of terrible shit, but then she went into remission.
We had months (almost years?) where it seemed like she’d escaped this horrifying curse my family has. But it came back. Literally 2 months after I got divorced, and since then it’s been 3 years of hard fighting of stage four cancer.
Now, I’m lucky enough to live 20 minutes from my mom. My daughter and I see her every other weekend (the ones she’s not with her dad), and I usually go by a couple of times a week to help out / clean / do chores, and at least that makes me feel useful.
Because, really, there’s nothing I can do. At all.
This same cancer killed my mom’s mom (my grandmother) when I was eleven. There are three obscure relatives I never knew that died of it, and there are two other women in my family right now with the same diagnosis.
All women. All dying.
It is our family curse. I’ve been getting checked since I was 27 (three years before insurance wanted to cover it, but due to my “family history” the doctor I found was able to demand it). It’s a fucking curse that I’m staring down the barrel of, knowing it’s incredibly likely it will one day take me too, as I try to help my mom in any way I can. I got ILOA (intermittent leave of absence) at my day job to be able to take her to chemo and appts. I’ve gone over after work, with and without the kiddo, to make her dinner. Clean. Help. Exist with her.
And that’s what had me crying in a parking lot this morning, trying to put into words why I broke down in my doctor’s office crying as I told her, “No, the antidepressants aren’t working, and they won’t work because nothing can fix my mom dying.”
I am so fucking helpless & it hurts like nothing I can put into words. If I could capture this feeling with words I’d work this pain into a book just because I know I’d have readers cursing me as they sobbed, but still grateful SOMEONE had found the words.
I don’t have the words.
I don’t have any words to explain how nice it is to still be able to pick up the phone and call her. To text her and see the 9000 emojis she always ends every tweet with (which makes me laugh, because I added the emojis to her phone originally). To see my daughter sit in her lap as they talk or read a book. I take a million pictures. I smile as hard as I fucking can, and I bend over backwards to make memories. Mom is in a wheelchair, and no matter how hard it is we do whatever she wants to do with me and my daughter. Cruise? Done. Water park? Done. Museum? Done. Movie? Done. I do it because I want to feel like I’ve done the *right* thing in all this.
I want to feel like I didn’t fail her when she’s gone.
Honestly though, I kept crying in that stupid parking lot because I know none of it will matter. When she’s gone, none of it will have been enough. Not enough time. Not enough movies, talks, moments, pictures.
My kiddo is only five, she starts Kindergarten next week, and I’ve been wracking my brain trying to see how much I can remember from age 5. And you know what? It’s not much. It is very likely that my little girl won’t even remember the woman who was brave enough to get us out of a horrible house when I was too little to remember, and then kicked ass on twelve hour shifts as an RN with no child support, no help, no breaks from being a mom even though I was absolutely a tyrant and a hellion. My kiddo won’t remember her no matter how many pictures. No matter how many videos. Or cards. Or letters.
And I can’t stop fucking crying.
She told me earlier this week that when she dies she’ll be watching over me and my daughter from Heaven, and I’ve never wanted to believe in religion more in that moment. I don’t want to lose her. I don’t want to lose the person who knows I’m a mess and loves me anyway. She knows how destructively Type-A I am, she tolerates my need to rant about the world or work or life or friends and she just reminds me that I can’t be perfect, and she loves me either way.
Lately, she’s been doing these awkward confessions when we’re together. Apologizing for letting my father see me after the divorce until he lost his parental rights in court. Apologizing for not seeing me much when I was little (because of those 12-hour nursing shifts that put a roof over our heads and food on the table). She’s apologized for not watching kid’s shows with me when I wanted to watch them, because she needed to unwind. There’s just this constant litany of her reviewing everything WRONG she thinks she did, and I just keep telling her that none of it matters.
Hell, as I mentioned before, I don’t remember most of it, and no matter her faults (because she is human) I don’t want to lose her.
But cancer does not give a fuck. Cancer is killing her and I’m just watching. She’s in so much pain, she can barely walk, spends 99% of her time sitting, on drugs that make her tired but still don’t stop the pain completely. And she fights every day, keeps going to chemo which is killing her in its own way, to stay and get one more week with us.
Over and over and over.
And in the face of that I feel like such a horrible person for “making it about me”. So… I never really talk about it. Instead I just break down in front of my doctor, do the walk of shame through the waiting room, and sit in my car talking to the void on Twitter.
But I also know that my situation isn’t unique. There are probably other people out there reading these words and reliving their own pain, or nodding because they’re in it right now. The reality of living with loved ones who are dying, and maybe they feel the same way I do (and maybe they don’t). But whether they’re a caregiver, or live too far away, I can say that the pain is indescribable and constant.
And what’s worse is that when this pain is over it will mean she’s gone, and I don’t even know what that will feel like.
Relief that she’s not in pain anymore? A lessening anxiety that I’m not waiting for “the call”? Will I miss all of it wanting just one more minute? Is it going to be a whole new all-consuming pain that tosses me into a black abyss that I have no idea how to crawl out of?
I don’t know. I have no fucking idea, and I think that’s the point of this thread / Twitter confessional. I don’t have answers, just a lot of pain and sadness and fear and anxiety. A lot of desperation, and no answers. No resolution.
All I can do is keep moving forward. Keep breathing. Keep helping. Keep smiling. Keep taking pictures.
And sometimes I need to give myself permission to break down in a parking lot, alone, where my kiddo won’t see.
If you’re going through it too, I’m sorry in the universal-sorry-way where I’m just one human acknowledging that the situation sucks.
But even after all this, I still had to clean up and get back to work, because life doesn’t stop even for minor breakdowns. It does stop for major ones, but there are always consequences and I dread those because right now I still need my day job to pay the bills. Hell, I just bought a fucking house that I’m trying to pack my apartment to move into at the end of this month (which my mother is very excited to see, and I think she’s glad I didn’t wait until after she passed to get a house, which is another tiny good thing in all this mess).
I’m not sure if this is smart to share. I don’t know if it’s a good idea or not, but I do know that my life is rough right now, and cancer is completely unpredictable. After all of the meds she got at the hospital earlier this week, she’s feeling much better than she was when she was talking to me about Heaven. We’re getting HomeHealth for her so that she will have more support. But there’s no doubt in anyone’s mind that the end will happen.
The end will happen for all of us eventually. It’s the trademark of biological life. Cells divide and divide and divide… and age. And sometimes those cells are cancer, and the cancer doesn’t know what it is or where it is, it isn’t sentient, it’s just a packet of cells doing what it’s supposed to do. Dividing. Conquering. Eating the host alive.
It’s very likely it will happen to me one day. Likely in my late fifties. Just like my mom. Just like my grandmother. Just like so many other women in my family.
I’m just going to do my best to live my life to the fullest. Work towards becoming a full-time author, travel, say “yes” to opportunities, and not spent *too* much time in the darkness when bad times hit.
–
One last thing: I kept squeezing this last pathetically thin set of tissues I’d snagged from the doctor in my hand as I was typing this originally on Twitter and I looked down to see it had made a heart.
Well, universe, if this is you acknowledging the shitty nature of all this… thanks? All I ask for is to just give us a little more time together, and to cement some of these memories in my daughter’s long term memory. Bury them down in the lizard brain where fight or flight hangs out so that she has at least one memory of her Mimi looking at her like she’s the epitome of everything good in the world as she reads her the same dinosaur book for the tenth time and still loves every fucking minute of it.
That’s all I want.
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August 7, 2018
Sneak peek at Inheritance
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I’ve been in a super introverted shell. My mom’s health is not doing well, I am closing on my house next week, and the dayjob is crazy… but good things are coming. Does anyone want a sneak peek of Inheritance, the next book after Destruction? 
August 3, 2018
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August 2, 2018
Thankful Thursday
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