C.M. Stone's Blog, page 5

I woke up angry at Spider-Man.

It wasn’t some sort of geek rage over him finally joining the Marvel Cinematic Universe and pushing back the release dates of Thor 3 and Black Panther. It wasn’t about the character getting recast. No, this was at the character himself.

Last night I had a dream that Spidey called me up and asked me to go on vacation with him. That sounded great, but I had a lot to do with a book to finish and another one to edit. He urged me to go with him on this last minute trip and assured me that it would be great. So I agreed to accompany Spider-Man on vacation, but where were we going?

Santa Barbara! He said we could go sleep on my aunt’s couch for free. “You asshole,” I told Spider-Man. “My aunt has been dead for years. And even if she wasn’t, you can’t just go mooch off some poor old lady without an invitation.”

Then he suggested San Francisco instead. Hmm, well. I’ve only been able to pass through San Francisco before and not really enjoy it, so that sounded fun. I agreed, but said I’d need to make arrangements so my cat would be fed while I was gone. “No, no, no,” Spidey insisted. “We need to go right now.” GEEZ, SO PUSHY. I stuffed some clothes in a bag and went to the airport to meet with him, figuring I could call my mother on the way to care for my cat. Except my phone was broken. Ah well, I’d borrow Spidey’s.

We took a redeye flight to San Francisco, where I quickly discovered that Spidey didn’t even bring a phone. Or money to rent a car. Or money for a hotel room. Or food. And then he began pouting and throwing fits because San Francisco wasn’t full of skyscrapers like New York, so he couldn’t web-sling his way around. He was going to have to walk. Like a peasant. Ugh.

Also he refused to take off his costume and walk around like a normal person, so people were staring at us the entire time.

I found a cute little Italian restaurant to get an early lunch at and figured I’d be nice and buy Spider-Man something to eat, since he was too stupid to bring any money. I borrowed our server’s phone to call my mom about my cat while we waited for our food. When I got my mom on the phone, she was flipping out because no one could contact me with my phone broken and she said that Spider-Man had changed our tickets so that the flight back wasn’t for SIX MONTHS. And then I woke up.

Let that be a lesson to you. Oh, sure, he seems all quippy and fun at first, but Spidey is definitely not a good vacation buddy.

(Okay, this may have been my subconscious trying to express exactly how not impressed I am with Spidey joining the MCU and messing up release dates.)

((But I’m also super excited about the chance to get Spidey involved in the Civil War plotline and have a movie version of him get to hang out with Steve, Tony, Natasha, etc. Argh. Conflict.))

Sleepy Hollow S2E16: Down the Hole

This episode only has a teeny little smidgen of Katrina in it and therefore is very good indeed.

We open with a crew of three men entering sewer tunnels in Sleepy Hollow. One of them–who later gets identified as Daniel so I’m just going to use his name rather than “goatee guy” as I called him in my original notes–expositions about how old the tunnels are and how everything above them used to be nothing but forest. He finds some little alcove and they knock down a wall to get inside. Daniel’s geeking out over how interesting it is and heads down a staircase inside with his phone taking video. Down the stairs he finds a ~*magic manhole*~, but nobody but him cares. They set up their surveying equipment, which includes some underground radar stuff and a laptop, then get the hole open. They stare down in wonder and Daniel remarks, “It’s like a whole other tunnel system down there.” He yells, listens to his echo, and then hears something creepy. Because of course yelling down a magic manhole in Sleepy Hollow is going to wake up a monster. Of course.

Sure enough, RAWR. An extremely pale, hairless, eyeless humanoid creature grabs them and drags them down. Yes, all three of them. Yes, only one monster. Yes, down a hole in the ground. No, I don’t know why the other two waited patiently for their turns to be dragged down. It made more sense when I was watching it than now going over my notes.

Incidentally, this is the part when I got a certain obnoxious Tiny Toons episode stuck in my head:

I imagine I could have found some other way to word it in my notes, but “down the hole” was easy and so down the hole everyone keeps going for the rest of the episode.

Elsewhere, it’s bright and sunny on the deck of a battleship where Abbie and Ichabod are strolling along with touristy types. Ichy whines about teens taking selfies for Instagram and sounds a lot more like a cranky old man than someone amazed by new technology. Abbie gets called on a missing person’s case, the missing survey team from the opening. We jump to the scene of the disappearance where a perimeter has been set up around the manhole in the street that the team went down. As the camera pans over the assembled crowd, there’s a lingering shot of a hot journalist who also has an excellent goatee. At this point I knew he’d be important, because random extras don’t get to eyefuck the camera.

This hot journalist crosses the perimeter to get closer with his camera and Abbie tells him to back off. He points out that they’ve got nothing and haven’t found bodies yet based on the lack of an ambulance. His name is Calvin and his brother Daniel is one of the missing team. Also he’s smart enough to have noticed the weird Sleepy Hollow shit with constant disappearances and freaky happenings and isn’t going to be easily swayed by Abbie’s efforts to calm him down. FINALLY. It seems like everyone–including the cops–is way too happy to ignore the emerging patterns of weirdness. Abbie promises to keep him informed and call him as soon as she has something.

Abbie and Ichabod head down into the tunnels, using their map from the archives so they’ve got a leg up on anyone else searching. Except it appears that absolutely no one is on the case or searching except for them? They find the previously sealed alcove where the team went missing. Abbie expresses reluctance about small, dark places. Ichy’s all, “I was the one buried alive.” Nice little continuity nod, but it comes across as dismissive of Abbie’s feelings.

They find the discarded equipment and the magic manhole, which they can’t open. Ichy identifies “symbols of witchcraft” on the manhole and they see claw marks, so assume the men were taken down the magic manhole. Shockingly, the laptop’s battery is still going strong and they’re able to look at the radar mapping. From this brief look, Ichabod declares the underground structure had to have been built by Thomas Jefferson. This is kind of weird and a huge leap, but it makes a brilliant sort of sense by the end of the episode. Abbie finds Daniel’s phone and plays the recording of the monster. “I think we found what took those men,” she says.

Cut to the bar where Jenny is drinking and Irving is strolling on in. Since it’s still the middle of the day, this is slightly odd. Is this bar the only place Jenny is ever allowed to socialize? Can’t she ever get a Frappuccino? Go to the beauty salon? Something? Irving asks Jenny to retrieve something from the evidence lockup at the precinct: his wedding ring. She asks why he doesn’t just call in a favor and he brushes it off by saying he was arrested for a double homicide (continuity porn!) and doesn’t have any remaining favors. He needs her to hack the evidence room code. When he takes a drink, she sees a mark on his arm and makes a suspicious face but doesn’t say anything. She agrees to hack the door for him, but still looks like she doesn’t trust him.

Back at the archives, Ichy is preparing for the chamber (dubbed a “fenestrella” by Jefferson, because he was a pretentious douchebag apparently) so they know what they’ll be facing. The fenestrella was built for “battle secrets.” Abbie is going through Daniel’s phone, looking at pictures of him and his brother and marvelling at the amazing goatee genes this family carries. Ichy rambles about his BFFs the founding fathers and his complicated relationship with Jefferson. Then we get a really brief flashback to Ichy and Jefferson and OMG PRESIDENT THOMAS JEFFERSON IS . Absolutely nothing of value happens in the flashback, so it just lets us know what Jefferson looks like. “Jefferson unfriended me,” Ichabod explains and he doesn’t know why it happened. Abbie goes through her ancestral journal–YES CONTINUITY! YES ABBIE’S FAMILY HISTORY!–and finds a passage: “Dark, damned souls will be used to protect the fenestrella.” They guess that Jefferson and crew conjured something nasty to guard the chamber, but there’s no more detail in the journal.

They go back to the magic manhole and manage to get it open this time. Team Witness go down the hooooooole. They hear scary sounds, just like the survey team did. Abbie calls on her radio and hears from one of the missing men (presumably the magic manhole was blocking radio reception before), but their conversation is overheard. MONSTERS APPEAR. It’s not just the one this time, but a whole swarm. They ran to scramble up the ladder and out of the hole. One of the creatures grabs Ichy as he’s going up the ladder, Calvin shows up and…takes a ton of pictures. Yeah, thanks, buddy. Really good job helping. Abbie manages to get Ichy out. Calvin says, “You were about to call me, right?”

Back from the commercial break, Calvin demands answers about what was down the hole. He threatens to call in all his contacts if he doesn’t get answers and points out that winning a Pulitzer for his war coverage means he’ll get attention (nice bit of exposition that felt totally natural, BTW). He wants to know why there isn’t any sort of support for the search, just Team Witness. Ichabod suggests that it wouldn’t be in the public welfare to bring attention to this. Calvin cites getting that same line from countries like Iran and North Korea and says this isn’t a war, this is about his niece losing her father. Abbie assures him that she heard his brother Daniel’s voice over the radio. Ichy doesn’t like Abbie bringing the journalist in, but she tells him her gut tells her they can trust him. Is it her gut or is it her pants? Like I said, Calvin’s pretty hot. My pants say she should keep him around. Abbie points out that Ichabod and his BFFs put freedom of the press in the constitution anyway. “We did not predict the 24 hour news cycle,” Ichy grumps.

Back in the archives again. Some of those “witchcraft” markings were supposedly writing in Latin (and you didn’t notice that, Mr. Crane?) and now they can translate them from Calvin’s pictures. The writing translates as reavers. REAVERS. If only Mal was here, he’d tell you to get your asses out of there fast because reavers leave no survivors. And much like the Firefly lore, Ichy points out that the reavers in his time started out as human: they were Washington’s special forces and must have been assigned to guard the chamber. Team Witness theorizes that they’ve been altered supernaturally by remaining alive for so long. Ichy suggests the crew were taken not as prisoners, but as food. “They’d be starving,” Ichabod narrates over a shot of the reavers gorging themselves on one of the survey team. Uuuugh.

Now better prepared, the cavalry’s rolling in down in the tunnels. Abbie tells Calvin to do exactly as he’s told and not to ask any questions. He sasses about being a journalist and how asking questions is his job. Abbie says playing ball goes both ways and asks if they can trust him. He says they can.

Next scene, it’s established that it’s now night and we’re with Jenny and Irving. Ogodogodojenny. I’m so worried for her here. The door to the evidence room gets unlocked and Irving has his five minutes in there. From the way this is shot, it looks like they’re getting in through a big, glass exterior door. Is it really a good idea to have an exterior door to an evidence room? A door that looks like it could just be busted down by someone determined enough? Jenny looks really uneasy while she waits. Inside, Irving pulls out a box with a grimoire in it, then sifts around to find a small evidence bag. Jenny pops up behind him with a gun to demand answers. He says it’s not what it looks like. Jenny identifies the evidence box as being from the Hellfire Club who tried to raise Moloch and worked for Henry Parrish. Irving insists he can explain, then throws her into a filing cabinet and flees. Yeah, that looks really trustworthy there.

BACK TO THE HOLE. Abbie suggests Calvin stay up top to call in a SWAT team if necessary and he says he’s got their back. Ichy takes Calvin’s camera to fiddle with it, because the reavers didn’t react well to the flash last time. Calvin points out that it’s a $7000 camera. Ichy’s all “tip tip!” and loads the camera up with stuff to boost signal fires before dropping it down the hole. Wow, that was amazingly dickish. And hilarious. BAM. FLASH. Lots of light as the poor, doomed camera goes tumbling down and breaks at the bottom. Reavers scream and run; Team Witness descends. They’re clear for a few paces, but then reavers come up on them again and fighting commences until a random door opens up. They go through it into a well lit, nice clean area. And…boom. Thomas Jefferson.

Abbie’s face here is seriously all “waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat” and I know exactly how she feels.

Ichabod looks like he’s going to cry for a minute, then gives a big flourishing bow all, “Mr. Jefferson.” And Jefferson answers with, “Actually it’s Mr. President.” Ichabod asks how this is possible and Abbie points out that he died in 1826 (good for her, I’ve never been good at dates no matter how much I dig history). Jefferson says he’s kept his spirit going with science and witchcraft. He’s just a hologram, evidenced by Ichy repeatedly waving his hand through his body. Hee. Abbie tries to interject that they’ve got men to rescue, so Ichy introduces her. Jefferson smarms, “The honor is mine.” His fawning here is supposed to be because he knows she’s a Witness, but that isn’t revealed until a few more lines of dialogue and so I just want to punch him for looking at Abbie that way.

Quick tangent about Thomas Jefferson. If this is President Jefferson, then this magic-y, science-y copy of him was made after he was widowed and had fathered multiple children with Sally Hemings. Jefferson was philosophically opposed to slavery, but it was financially–and sexually–advantageous for him to keep slaves. So he did. Hundreds of them. Sally was his slave as well as his wife’s half-sister and historians believe he began a sexual relationship with Sally when she was between the ages of fourteen and sixteen and he was in his mid-forties. So, yeah. It makes me feel a little pukey to have this hypocritical sexual predator smarming at Abbie like this.

Back to the show. Jefferson wants to show them all his cool stuff in his secret fenestrella, which is like a miniature version of Belle’s library in Beauty and the Beast. Team Witness press that rescuing the men is very urgent and Jefferson claims there’s no way to help the men, then reveals that he’s there to aid in Ichy’s ultimate mission.

Back to the evidence room. Jenny is calling for Irving, gun and flashlight drawn. Irving comes out of the dark at her again and they fight. He says she needs to listen and she kicks him away, then cocks her gun. “The markings on your arms, an obviously bogus mission. You’ve gone to the dark side, haven’t you?” she demands.

Irving looks like he might cry during this, but I’m inclined to think it’s utter bullshit because he was cackling evil with Henry last week. Irving says his soul has been tarnished since he was reborn and “the Frank Irving filled with evil” is like another person inside of him. He claims that Evil Irving takes over and he can’t remember anything when he does, then shows Jenny a rune of “temporary salvation” on his palm. He says before he died he found it in a book of Henry’s and needed to buy himself some time, so slapped it in his hand. He keeps explaining what all is happening, but because a) I hate this plot and b) I think he’s lying I’m having a hard time following it all. Basically, he claims he was going for a memory stick the Hellfire Club had with banking info worth over $3 million and he wanted his family to have it so they could escape the country safely. He says Evil Irving is going to take over again forever as the power of the rune fades. Irving plays on Jenny’s weaknesses expertly by saying he came to her because she’s the only one who understands.

BACK IN THE HOLE. Abbie and Ichy are freaked out that Jefferson knows about their mission, but Ichabod goes to work with Jefferson about how to rescue the men. I think it’s at this point that some brilliant soul on Twitter observed that Jefferson is basically playing Orlando Jones’ role in The Time Machine. Which is awesome, but I can’t remember who said it. Let me know in comments if you know who it was, so I can give proper credit. While this is going on Abbie follows magic glowy cords and finds the nest of the reavers. She finds the broken bits of the man they ate and seems the two men who are still alive, but can’t get to them. She comes back and calls Jefferson on his crap, but he says he never said the men were dead. The power source that fuels his chamber is fragile and attacking the nest could destroy the fenestrella. Jefferson says he doesn’t like letting the men die, but the information in the fenestrella is too precious to risk. He says everything he and Washington learned about the Witnesses is in that chamber.

Ichabod wants to know why it was kept from him and Jefferson explains they had to wait for the second Witness, as prophesied. Jefferson explains he had to keep Ichy at arm’s length for the sake of his destiny, which was why he defriended him. We get a flashback in which Ichy apparently helped write the Declaration of Independence. Jefferson slapped him down when Ichy found some of his plans for the fenestrella, thus revealing why at a glance Ichabod knew Jefferson had designed it. Pretty cool, right? Abbie says no mentor would choose information over innocent lives, but Jefferson insists there are no easy answers in war. Abbie and Ichy know their choice is clear and it’s for the human lives in front of them. Down into the nest they go.

They creep in to get the men out, but of course the reavers awaken. Bang bang fighty fighty. Run run run. Ichy is upset about leaving Jefferson and all that research behind, but they keep going to get out safely. Abbie is the last out of the hole with all the monsters behind her, but they make it out. Abbie and Ichy decide those creatures are too dangerous and the entire fenestrella needs to be destroyed. Since there are survey teams going down in the tunnels using radar mapping, I’m inclined to agree. There’s no way to keep the fenestrella hidden at this point. Abbie, Calvin and the men leave because one of them is going into shock. Ichy stays behind to destroy the fenestrella. He starts by dropping flashbangs down the hole, which is smart but also makes his camera destruction earlier even more hilarious since it means he never had to do that.

Ichabod goes down into the inner chamber to destroy the power source. A reaver comes crawling at him and he kills it, then another one shows up and he beats it down with an axe. When he tries to get to the power source, Jefferson drops a gate to stop him and asks him to listen to reason. He says the chamber will contain the reavers, but Ichy refutes this by saying that this won’t be the case with the way America is now. Jefferson talks about his sads over rebuffing Ichabod and how determined he was to protect the information in the chamber, but finally he tells Ichy where to set his detonation for a good chain reaction. Ichy asks about what will happen to Jefferson. Jefferson says his time has come and gone, but Ichabod’s is still unfolding.

Ichabod runs out out, helped out of the hole by Abbie, and they flee just in time to avoid the blast. Abbie comments, “We just blew up the author of the Declaration of Independence.” Ichy says, “Truth be told, he insisted.” And It didn’t occur to either of them to snatch even one single book before this blowing up? C’mon.

Up in the street it’s still night and the surviving crewmen are being taken away in ambulances. Calvin asks about the official story–which involves a gas line and hallucinations and what have you–and says people have the right to know the whole truth. Abbie says there will be a time for the public to know, but not now. Why? I don’t understand the secrecy. Sure, when you’re afraid people will think you’re crazy and stop you secrecy is good. But a well-respected journalist documenting what’s happening and getting people to take it seriously could be beneficial, couldn’t it?

Anyway. There’s some flirtatious eye contact going on and he says he’s on her side. Right before he leaves in the ambulance, Calvin tells Abbie to check her email. She looks on her phone and finds an email with the subject Re: Trust me that says “I never reveal my sources.”

The next day, Katrina wakes up in the cabin to find Henry hovering over her. He’s holding dead roses and says he’s not going to harm her. He claims he killed Moloch for her, for their kind. Witches, I assume? He presses the flower into her hand and tells her it’s time for them to begin their work. The rose thorn cuts her hand and she wakes up. She walks into the kitchen to splash water on her face and finds her hand bloody, then turns around and sees the roses sitting on the coffee table.

So does this mean Katrina is going to go all Charles Xavier to Henry’s witchy Magneto? I’m not sure how I feel about that, because Katrina is a poorly written character but also because my headcanon Professor X/Magneto is super slashy and sexy and Henry’s weird mommy and daddy issues just can’t compete with this:

All snark aside, this was a great episode. It gives me a lot of hope for the future of the show if they can stick to what works (Team Witness, Jenny, Irving, hilariously goofy historical stuff) and avoid what doesn’t work (Katrina being useless/dull/obnoxious). Unfortunately, this episode apparently got really low ratings. Fingers crossed that things get better from here.

 

The past is a foreign country: they do things differently there.

When I was taking classes on Shakespeare in college, my professor worked really hard to make the plays accessible to us. He ensured we got all the jokes (especially the dirty ones) and could relate what we were reading or watching to our own lives and understanding of the world.

And then we got to Act IV, Scene 5 of Henry IV, Part II and I saw just how different the mindset and worldview really was.

For those unfamiliar with the plays (the real history is a bit more complex), here’s how all of this started: Richard II of England banished his cousin Henry Bolingbroke over a feud. When Bolingbroke’s father the Duke of Lancaster died, Richard seized all his lands and wealth, angering the nobility. Bolingbroke came back and waged war against Richard. Ultimately he took the crown–adopting the title of Henry IV–and an ambitious nobleman tried to ingratiate himself to the new king by killing the old one. Henry was horrified and vowed to cleanse himself of this sin.

Then in Henry IV Part I and Part II, we get to meet his son Prince Hal. Hal is an entertaining fuckup who runs around with some unsavory sorts, much to his father’s anger and disgust. Then as rebellions and plots mount against his father, Hal has to step up so that ultimately in the scene I linked to above he’s ready to take the crown from his dying father. Okay! All makes sense. All is working. Except…

….Henry IV still feels guilty over taking the throne. He is not a “true” king. He feels that all the hardships he’s faced have been punishment for his sin in taking what was not his. Hal absolves him of this guilt by pointing out that he, the son of the king, will take his place as the next rightful king:

My gracious liege,

You won it, wore it, kept it, gave it me;

Then plain and right must my possession be;

Which I with more than with a common pain

‘Gainst all the world will rightfully maintain.

And lo, his father finds peace at last.

Which was baffling and nonsensical to this 21st century college student. Why did this absolve him? Why was it wrong for Henry IV to take the throne by force, but good and proper for his son to inherit it and defend it with force? Seeing this whole monarchy thing as a bunch of bullshit anyway (U! S! A! U! S! A!), I couldn’t find much difference between a guy sitting on the throne because he killed to get there and a guy sitting on the throne because he was killing to stay there.

Yet within the context of the play–and the monarchist propaganda Shakespeare was wisely writing–it does make sense. In all those attempts to make the play as accessible as possible, I’d been warping Shakespeare to my point of view instead of trying to open my eyes to different ones. To endorse taking the crown by force would be to question the very legitimacy of the crown. If someone with an army just had to march against Elizabeth I and be considered the true and proper monarch, what the hell was the point in having a monarch? Might as well pick kings and queens in mud wrestling competitions. (Has anyone written that yet? If not, I call dibs.)

Henry IV could never be a legitimate king, then, because for him to be legitimate would give ammunition to all would-be usurpers. Yet Prince Hal would become Henry V, who wasn’t just a popular king. He was a Lancastrian king. Elizabeth I was descended from Margaret Beaufort, great-great granddaughter of the Duke of Lancaster…Henry IV’s father. Delegitimize Henry V and you delegitimize Elizabeth I. Obviously, Shakespeare couldn’t do that.

(There’s a lot of delicious history to dig into here that I could go on at length about, such as Henry IV declaring Beaufort’s line ineligible for the throne, but let that be another post.)

So Shakespeare had a real creative conundrum. Henry IV had to suffer for being a usurper, yet his line had to be recognized as the proper inheritors of the crown. Through Prince Hal’s legitimate inheritance, the slate was wiped clean and the sin of his father absolved. Taking it further, the new King Henry would turn his back on those he once loved to dedicate himself to service to his kingdom rather than his own heart.

Presume not that I am the thing I was,

For God doth know, so shall the world perceive,

That I have turn’d away my former self;

So will I those that kept me company.

– Henry IV, Part II, Act V, Scene 5

Through this sacrifice and betrayal of self, the new king fully accepts the crown and its burden. He brings full legitimacy to the Lancasters (and thus Shakespeare brings legitimacy to Elizabeth I), while somehow making the audience’s collective heart break for this jerk who just inherited a country and told off his closest friend.

Now that’s skill.

Sleepy Hollow S2E15: The hell did I just watch?

Last year I was in a car accident and got whiplash. I was in tons of pain. I also had a bunch of indie novellas to finish under another pen name, which was incredibly difficult when sitting in a chair and typing seemed to aggravate my whiplash.

Out of concern for my suffering (and also probably sick of hearing me whine), my boyfriend suggested I try an herbal medication. So I ate a quarter of a brownie (it did nothing), then half of it (still nothing), then finally the whole thing. I waited for about an hour after that and didn’t feel like it had an effect, so popped one of my antihistamines for my allergies–doxylamine succinate, the really powerful one in Nyquil–and tried to write through the pain.

When I got to the point where I began worrying about the gender identity of a wolf in a zoo and wondered if perhaps I should rewrite the entire book in Ojibwe, I knew that something had happened. I spent the next sixteen hours or so happily tripping balls. I also finished the book.

That book? More coherent than this season of Sleepy Hollow.

A big bad warlock pops up, looking for a grimoire so he can travel through time and prevent his own murder of the woman he loved. He’s extra scary because he snorts flower powder to boost his magic. No, seriously. Team Witness must stop him, because his time traveling sounds like it could cause a paradox and destroy their reality. Okay. But our fun little history tidbit this week? The warlock was responsible for kicking off the Salem Witch Trials and Katrina’s grandmother Helena Van Tassel was one of his earliest victims, with Katrina’s mother a witness to all of this. This started in 1692. From Katrina’s headstone in the pilot, we know she was born in 1750.

And here we learn fascinating rules about how witches apparently work in this universe.

1) Katrina’s mother is a child in 1692 when this all starts, not even a toddler. Meaning she was well over sixty when Katrina was born. And since Katia Winter plays the part of Grammy Helena and Katrina states they share blood, she was clearly not adopted.

2) Helena Van Tassel is Katrina’s maternal grandmother. Van Tassel is Katrina’s maiden name. So either Katrina’s mother happened to marry a man who shared her last name–and it’s not exactly Smith common, even in the Netherlands–or witches have been throwing off the patriarchy for a while now and didn’t even give a fuck about pretending to follow social conventions in surnames…when they were still at risk of being killed for being witches.

3) Magic can be boosted by drugs. ARRRRRRRRRRRRGH. NO. Please, no no no no. I was traumatized by Willow’s magic junkie arc. I don’t need to go there again and I’m sure the introduction of this plot point means Katrina is gonna juice at some point.

I can’t even touch the fact the stuff with Irving. I’m going to just firmly stay in denial about it for as long as possible.

I truly loved the first season of this show, but now it feels like it’s being written via madlib.

I really can’t justify this

I can try to come up with some sort of excuse, but none of them are any good. Basically, from the moment Thor confused “hacking” with “slash” in Loki: Agent of Asgard #1, I’ve been making myself laugh imagining what kind of slash Loki would write.

(Obviously, he’s an IronHulk shipper.)

Also, if you haven’t been reading Loki: Agent of Asgard, you really should! Al Ewing and Lee Garbett are geniuses.

Text:

Thor: You have made a terrible slash upon SHIELD’s internet.

Loki: Hacked, Thor. I hacked them. Slash is something different.

[Thor looks confused.]

Loki: …though I may have left some terrible slash too.

[Bruce is at a computer, reading.]

Bruce: “As Tony gripped his lover through the purple trousers, he thanked his lucky starts he designed the Hulkbuster armour…”

[Tony stares at screen.]

A Better Way for Praise, Validation and Encouragement

Giving compliments and arguing with someone when they say something negative about themselves seems like a straightforward, positive thing to do, right? It’s far more complicated than that, though, and a thoughtless compliment can be damaging and hurtful. It’s easy to think that just by being positive we’ll have a positive effect, but intent is not magic. Trying to do good doesn’t mean that you’re going to accomplish it.

This post at Full Metal Feminist about the author’s frustrations with her voice and being misgendered illustrates this well:

How can a compliment be frustrating? When it feels like it leaves no room for how I feel about it. It feels like I’m hearing, “Oh, you’re wrong about that, there’s nothing wrong with your voice!”

If you’ve ever struggled with something that causes you genuine discomfort–especially if it’s something that also marginalizes you–that response probably sounds unpleasantly familiar. This post at Book of Jubilation zeroes in on this effect specifically on us millennials, we who were supposedly raised to be egotistical monsters:

I came away thinking that there is a deep sickness in the root of my generation’s soul, and this is what it looks like: To be imperfect is to be inadequate. If you are not an extraordinary success, you are an utter failure.

And overwhelmingly, the students I saw—bright, accomplished, high-achieving people—were obsessed with the thought that they were lazy, stupid, and untalented. Impostor syndrome ran rampant, as student after student agonized over the ethics of letting people believe they were good people or even adequate human beings, when their private truth about their selves was far harsher.

If there can be a better way to say sorry, can’t there be a better way for praise? I think there can. And like the apology script offered by JoEllen, being specific about what you’re really saying is key. There’s a world of difference between saying “sorry” and leaving it at that and identifying what you’re apologizing for, what harm it caused, how you’ll behave differently in the future, and asking for forgiveness.

Praise

I’m a strong believer in avoiding “you are” praise as often as possible. It can’t always be avoided, but it’s one of the poorest ways to offer praise in my opinion for two reasons.

The first is that you’re setting up your own viewpoint as reality and negating anything the person you’re praising might feel. Telling someone “you’re good”, “you’re smart”, “you’re awesome” or anything like that sounds nice on the surface, but you’ve taken your subjective opinion and declared it as fact. Maybe it’s a nice opinion, but that’s still a weird thing to do and it’s downright gaslighting when your opinion differs wildly from the opinion of the person you’re praising.

The second reason is that “you are” praise is putting everything into a neat little box, with no room or need for further action. If you are good, or you are smart, or you are awesome, then that’s not being tied to anything you’re doing. It’s not something that’s been earned. It’s not something that’s been proven. It just is. If I am good, then I don’t have to work further to be good, do I? This praise is thus incredibly easy to dismiss and doesn’t accomplish much even if it is accepted.

Far more powerful praise is connected to actions, rather than states of being: You [have done something], which [caused positive effect]. I appreciate [this quality you are currently displaying].

“You always listen when I have a problem, which makes me feel supported and loved. I appreciate your friendship.”

“You worked really hard studying for that test, which helped you understand the subject better. I appreciate your dedication.”

“You cleaned the house, which allowed me to come home and relax without having to worry about it. I appreciate your thoughtfulness.”

Doesn’t that have a better impact than just flatly declaring “you’re awesome”? Wouldn’t you rather know that the other person recognizes what you’ve done and appreciates it? That they’ve given real thought to what they’re saying? It doesn’t have to follow that script exactly, but powerful praise should contain those elements. Identify an action, identify a positive effect, then offer your appreciation.

Validation

Offering validation can be one of the hardest habits to learn and yet one of the easiest ways to support someone. You’re simply recognizing that the other person is stating their own personal truth. If they say “I hate my voice”, use empathy. Recognize that this is how they feel, that this is their reality, and how hard that must be. “Yeah, I can see that you feel that way. That has to be difficult to deal with.” See how easy that is? Now remembering to do that instead of the knee jerk “NO, I REJECT YOUR REALITY AND SUBSTITUTE MY OWN” is the hard part.

As an illustration of how important validation is, I’m going to relate a story from my own life. I suffer from depression and a few years ago I made the mistake of trying to explain the dark, scary thoughts I was struggling with to a friend of mine. I talked about how worthless I felt and how I hated myself and how I wanted to die. Her response: “How dare you say that about my friend. If someone else was saying that about you I’d punch them.”

Luckily, I obviously didn’t kill myself at that time, but her response was absolutely devastating to me. It didn’t make me feel better or make me doubt the negative things I’d been thinking about myself. All it did was ensure that I would never speak in detail about my depression to that person ever again. I would never again trust her fully with emotional vulnerability. And the fear of that sort of reaction–of having our reality invalidated–is one reason why so many people struggling with negative thoughts about themselves don’t seek out life-saving help.

Wouldn’t you rather do the difficult work of picking up that validation habit and helping your friends, romantic partners, or children, instead of being someone they fear opening up to?

Encouragement

You cannot encourage someone who doesn’t want it or isn’t ready for it. Until they’re both ready and wanting, your encouragement may not do any good and could cause harm. And how do you know when they’re ready? Simple! Ask.

“Do you want encouragement right now, or just some venting space?” I’ve asked this question countless times and have always gotten a truthful answer. When I tailored my response to what the other person requested, they got what they needed. By asking, you’re letting them know that you’re there to support them and not just give empty lip-service. You’re giving them an opportunity to examine their own feelings and influence their own self-image.

Just like with praise, encouragement should be concrete and tied into things the other person has already accomplished. Maybe that means breaking things down into babysteps (“this is a big task, but it’s made up of lots of little ones just like problems you’ve solved before”). Maybe that means drawing connections that aren’t immediately obvious (“this is a completely new experience for you and you loved the last time you did something new”). Whatever it is, it should be tailored to that specific person’s specific life experience. If you don’t know someone well enough to do that, don’t. Just offer empathy and validation, listening and learning until you have more to offer. If they’re suffering from a situation you have no idea how to deal with (they’re dealing with racism and you’re white, or gender dysphoria and you’re cis), they probably don’t expect any advice from you anyway. Listening and empathizing will still be helpful.

Encouragement really is simply another form of praise. Instead of focusing on one thing the person has done which is positive, you’re going to take that positive action and show them how it proves they can continue to take positive actions.

We can’t always make someone’s problems disappear, which is frustrating. Trying to wish problems away by saying things the other person can’t accept as true is tempting, but it really does lead to riding roughshod over their personal experience. If you care about someone and want to make them feel good, then recognize that relationships and interpersonal interactions aren’t always simple. Good intentions aren’t enough. But there’s still a lot we can do to help people and to show our love.

Lead, Kindly Light

Today is the winter solstice for the northern hemisphere. It’s not necessarily the first day of winter, however, and flatly declaring it as such robs the day of all its beautiful symbolism and wonder. Winter isn’t defined by the angle of the sun in relation to us, but by weather and local custom. The solstice itself actually only lasts for a moment–when the sun’s daily maximum elevation in the sky is the lowest–so the day itself was traditionally known as midwinter. Do you recall the play A Midsummer Night’s Dream? The name is a reference to the celebration of St John’s Day or Midsummer Eve, marking the summer solstice. Midwinter and midsummer have significance not because they’re the start of seasons–how can mid- something be the start instead of the middle, eh?–but because they mark astronomical reversals.

Up until midsummer, the days are growing longer. The sun rises earlier and sets later. Then the trend is reversed so that the days grow shorter and the nights longer. Even as the average temperature keeps increasing through the rest of summer, daylight is already being lost. It’s like a memento mori provided by the earth’s axial tilt. It’s the little death in the midst of the warmest, brightest season.

Midwinter is the opposite. Even if it’s getting colder and we have weeks–or months if you’re unlucky like me–of frigid weather ahead of us, the sun is returning. The world is renewing even if it’s blanketed under ice. In the darkest, longest night we witness a rebirth and hope keeps burning through the remainder of winter.

We speak of being enlightened when we gain new wisdom. Light grows the plants that we eat, providing us with the air we breath. Light darkens our skin with its kiss and builds our bones strong. Light is life and light is a goal in and of itself. From my window, I watch the snow fall and the neighbor’s miniature horse frolic in the frosty gloom and even knowing how cold and dark it’ll soon be, I’m comforted.

The light is returning. This is not the start of winter, but the beginning of its death.

#12TastesofChristmas – Swimming Swan Sandwiches

On the seventh day of Christmas my true love gave to me…seven swans-a-swimming,

Six geese-a-laying,

Five golden rings,

Four calling birds,

Three French hens,

Two turtle doves,

And a partridge in a pear tree.

There are no actual swans in this recipe. Also missing are fish, which is what I’ve seen most Twelve Days of Christmas themed recipes use for the seventh day. Instead, we’ve got watercress–a pleasantly peppery aquatic member of the mustard family–and crunchy water chestnuts–a lightly sweet, crisp corm of the aquatic Eleocharis dulcis. If you’re vegan, the cream cheese used to bind the ingredients together can be replaced with a cup of cashew sour cream, which unlike the dairy cream cheese will be much more easily spreadable.

These elegantly simple sandwiches are a nice break from the heavy foods normally associated with Christmas. They’re particularly delicious when paired with the pears with blue cheese and prosciutto appetizer.

Ingredients

8 thin slices white sandwich bread

8 ounces room temperature cream cheese

1/2 cup watercress leaves

2/3 cup canned water chestnuts, drained

32 thin slices of peeled cucumber (optional)

Coarse sea salt

Directions

Coarsely chop the water chestnut and watercress. You’ll want to have large enough pieces of the water chestnut that they’ll still crunch nicely when bitten into. Whip into softened cream cheese.

If you’ve chosen to use the cucumber (which is traditional for watercress sandwiches), pat the surfaces of the slices to ensure they are dry. Lightly spread the cream cheese mixture on one side of each bread slice. Layer the cucumber slices on four of the bread slices, then sprinkle with salt. Top with the remaining four bread slices.

Using a sharp knife, remove the crusts from each sandwich. If you have good, metal cookie cutters you can use them at this point to cut the sandwiches into decorative shapes. Otherwise, slice into quarters and serve. Garnish with any leftover watercress leaves.

#12TastesofChristmas – Eggless Eggnog

On the sixth day of Christmas my true love gave to me…six geese-a-laying,

Five golden rings,

Four calling birds,

Three French hens,

Two turtle doves,

And a partridge in a pear tree.

Obviously this had to be an egg-y inspired recipe today. However, in my family we’re not too keen on actual eggs in our ‘nog. So what to do? This quick and simple eggless ‘nog recipe has all the flavor you’re looking for without any weird “I just drank eggs wtf” experience. It does contain milk products, however, so is not vegan-friendly. Replacing the milk with soy or rice milk works quite nicely, though I’m not sure about any milk replacements with stronger flavors.

Ingredients

1 (3.5 ounce) package instant French vanilla pudding

1 1/2 quarts milk

2 1/2 teaspoons rum flavored extract

1/2 teaspoon nutmeg

1/4 teaspoon cinnamon

Directions

In a large bowl, combine the pudding mix with 2 cups of milk, following package directions; allow to chill for 5 minutes.

To the pudding stir in the rum flavoring and spices, then slowly mix in the remaining 4 cups of milk until the mixture is a thick but drinkable consistency. Chill until ready to serve. Garnish with freshly ground nutmeg.

Told you it was quick and easy!

#12TastesofChristmas – Pineapple Upside Down Cake

On the fifth day of Christmas my true love gave to me…five golden rings,

Four calling birds,

Three French hens,

Two turtle doves,

And a partridge in a pear tree.

This one was an absolute no brainer. Golden rings? Pineapple. I suppose onion rings or squash rings or other things like that would also work, but they don’t strike me as very Christmas-y while pineapple upside down cake is a tradition in my family. It goes back at least as far as my grandmother as a young woman, who would bake it for holidays for her children.

And it just makes such a beautiful addition to the table, doesn’t it? The buttery cake, the caramelization, the contrast with the bright red cherries. It’s lovely.

Ingredients

Topping

1/4 cup butter

1/2 cup light brown sugar

Canned pineapple slices (reserve juice for cake)

15-20 maraschino cherries

Cake

1 and 2/3 cups all-purpose flour

1/2 teaspoon baking powder

1/4 teaspoon baking soda

1/2 teaspoon salt

1/2 cup butter, melted

3/4 cup light brown sugar

1/4 cup granulated sugar

1 large egg

1/4 cup yogurt

1/2 cup milk

1/4 cup pineapple juice

1 tablespoon vanilla extract

Directions

Heat oven to 350°F (325°F for dark or nonstick pan). You’ll prepare the topping first. In 13×9-inch pan, melt butter in oven. Sprinkle brown sugar evenly over butter. Arrange pineapple slices on brown sugar. Place cherry in center of each pineapple slice, and arrange remaining cherries around slices; press gently into brown sugar.

Now the cake. Mix flour, baking powder, baking soda, and salt and set aside. Melt butter in the microwave and then whisk into the sugars. To the wet mix, beat in egg, yogurt, milk, pineapple juice, and vanilla extract. Slowly sift in the dry ingredients until no lumps remain. This will be a thick, rich batter that’s difficult to mix by hand by the time you’re done.

Pour the batter over the pineapple and cherries. Bake 42 to 48 minutes (44 to 53 for dark or nonstick pans) or until a toothpick inserted in the center comes out clean. Immediately run a knife around the sides of the pan to loosen the cake, then put a heatproof serving plate upside down onto the pan. Turn the plate and pan over together and leave like this for five minutes so the caramelized brown sugar can drizzle all over the cake.

Once that’s done, remove the pan and let the cake continue to cool for 30 minutes. Eat until you feel like you’re going to puke pineapple.