Andrea Nourse's Blog, page 14

It’s Okay to not be Okay

The other day I read an article about how kids are responding to quarantine.

Sleep regressions.

Behavior regressions.

Potty-training regressions.

Ugh. Yes.

It’s hard being cooped up in the house with your parents all day. It’s hard missing your friends. It’s hard to lose your routine. It’s hard to comprehend all of this when you can read yet.

It’s hard to figure out how to explain all of this as a parent.

I was under no illusion that working from home with my husband, two kids, and three pets would be easy. I understood it would be difficult and I very much get that I am lucky to be privileged enough to do so.

We are safe. We are healthy. We are together.

I should be grateful. I am grateful.

But I’m also losing my fucking mind.

Last night, I slept on the hard-wood floor beside my daughter’s crib because she screams bloody murder when she wakes up every hour unless someone is in her room with her. And, of course, she won’t sleep in our bed because that would be too easy.

My son had his first accident in almost a year. He’s started hitting, screaming, and breaking down anytime he hears the word no. He’s almost five, and I’d naively believed we were past this.

But COVID-19 had other plans for us.

Is it possible to have a parental regression? I feel like all I do is yell and ruin their lives. I have no idea how to handle any of this. Like, there’s no training for parenthood but there’s literally nothing on this. I hope therapists are prepared for the onslaught of COVID kids in 2030.

I see other parents doing arts and crafts and showing off their stellar parenting skills. I see advice on doing all these things, and yet I don’t know where to find the time.

Between normal work obligations, meetings, mini-crisis, cooking, cleaning, tempering temper tantrums, balancing my spouse’s work needs and meetings, and keeping us all alive, I don’t have the time or mental capacity for much else.

I have reading commitments for the blog and Bookstagram to keep up. I have a new book I’m writing (about an unemployed, single, childless woman with one elderly cat, of course). I have me to remember and take care of.

I don’t have the energy to curate and prepare the materials to make shaving cream art or macaroni necklaces every single day. We try to get outside and play in our yard when we can but that is time away from work. (Hello guilt, my constant friend.)

So many well-meaning people want to remind us parents that we’re living in a historic moment and should cherish this time with our kids. I’d love to, Susan, but it’s kinda hard to cherish a time filled with screaming, sleepless nights, and mounting pressure. There’s no playbook for this and it’s hard to stomach advice from people not living the same quarantine life.

My sole hope for my family is that we make it out intact and alive. We won’t be learning any new skills or creating mini art museums.

I’ll do my best to take things one day at a time but I know me well enough to know that I’ll be stressing out over the future. After all, I’m not about to let this pandemic change too much.

I have to constantly remind myself that it is okay to not be okay. It’s okay to breakdown on occasion. It’s okay to not have the answers. It’s okay to feel smothered by your children. It’s okay. None of this is normal. We’re all doing the best we can, and if the best we can do is give in to allowing our kids to run around the asylum naked, then run they will.

I Would Never … But if I Did, Maria Ann Green

Few things bring me greater joy than sharing the amazing work of my author friends. Maria Ann Green is a brilliant, talented, and amazing author who’s book captivate and enthrall me. I cannot wait to dive into her new book, I Would Never … But if I Did.

About the book:
Taryn Sams doesn’t believe in love. Period. Every time she’s gotten close, her happiness has been ripped from her, proving once again the only thing worth believing in is the inevitability of her own – and others – screw-ups.

For Austin Wright, Taryn is the one who got away. But really, if he’s honest with himself, he pushed her away, with one hard shove. He did the one thing he told her he never would do and shattered both of their hearts. But it’s been years since then, and somehow Austin and Taryn found a way to be friends, albeit dysfunctional ones. 

Theo Evans is the other man in Taryn’s life. He’s also Austin’s best friend. But, to be fair, he’s been in love with Taryn longer. He accepts Taryn as she is, broken, and he’s willing to do whatever it takes to be the one she chooses in the end. 

Taryn isn’t the only one with someone else in her life. Austin has a girlfriend he’s trying to see a future with even though she can’t live up to those that came before. Yet they keep coming back together like magnets, unable to resist the pull to each other. Taryn continues her relationship with Theo while starting up again with Austin, willing to give him one more shot though not willing to let go of Theo just yet. While juggling the two men, she’s hoping that her once-bitter heart will eventually open up and tell her who to choose, hoping that she isn’t deluding herself yet again about what’s real and what’s possible. 

Can love win Taryn over, or will she screw up her own life yet again, and the lives of at least three others in the process?

*Content Warning: Sexual content, alcohol and drug use, depression, and language*

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Exclusive Excerpt:

“I would never cheat on her, but if I did, it would only be with you.”

His
stupid, insensitive words, from who-the-fuck-knows how long ago, a
lifetime—from a couple girlfriends ago—feel more and more like I imagined them.
And still, I can’t let go; they rattle and clank but just won’t leave. So I tip
the bottle of booze back, taking another long pull. And I shouldn’t be
surprised when I have to bite back both the gag and mouthful of saliva that
follow way too quickly. At this point, it’s almost instant. But I am. Though,
after some quick swallowing and a violent shudder, I’m pretty sure it’s not
coming back up.

Yet.

I
don’t even know why I’m thinking about him, about that, I forget what brought it up this time. But something always
does, and, every time, those memories lead to nights like this.

Whatever.

Looking
between the bottle in my hand and Maicy eyeing me like I’m a glass on the edge
of a shelf, too close to falling, to shattering, I can’t take it. I just can’t.
No thank you.

So I take another drink, intending to get drunk.

The Honey-Don’t List, Christina Lauren

Review: The Honey-Don’t List, Christina Lauren (Thank you to the publisher & NetGalley for the gifted copy)

This is only my third Christina Lauren book but I think it’s my favorite.

I absolutely loved Carey and James together but my favorite part of this book was how Carey spent it finding her voice and her strength. She saw what needed to be done and did it, and she didn’t need James or anyone else to do it for her. She didn’t hide behind her condition or try to use it as her reason to not change; nor did she let it change her.

Vanilla Hazelnut Cold Foam Cold Brew

If you’re anything like me, you’re really missing Starbucks. I mean, I’ve been making my own coffee at home using Coffee Over Cardio (affiliate link, including a coupon to save 10% on your order with code 10andreanourse).

Earlier this week, the glass beaker for my French Press cracked

Finding My Voice in this new Normal

What’s on your agenda this week? Mine? Stay home. Keep the humans alive. That’s it.

As we settle into this new “normal” I find myself reflecting on our old normal, and I’m beginning to wonder if all the things we found important are important now.

Somewhere in this crisis chaos, I’m starting to find my voices. As all the parts of my life melt into one inside our home, I’m finding that I may not like how each voice has evolved over the years.

My writing voice. I spent last year trying to write the books I thought the industry wanted. I focused on serious stories with a message. And, while I loved what I wrote, Im realizing it’s not what I want to write now. Now I want flawed, relatable characters that do stupid and funny things and find themselves along the way. I want to laugh and roll my eyes at their antics. So, that’s what I’m writing now and I’m writing it for me. Writing has always been my escape, and I need that more than ever.

My mom voice. This voice is loud. It’s impatient. It’s loving. It’s distracted. It’s tired. Every day is a learning experience, and I’m trying to find the softness and patience my children deserve but it’s a struggle.

My wife voice. This is the hardest one to define. I don’t know if my wife voice and I are even speaking the same language.

My work voice. Ugh. Working mom life has always been a tug of war. Now that my work and mom life’s are literally one In the same it’s even harder. I get to juggle an important meeting with my boss while my daughter is screaming at me, “I pooped! I poo-oooped! Mama! I pooped” and my boss is doing his best to ignore it. I get to try to explain to my small children that even though Mommy is home, Mommy can’t always play.

Despite the messiness and insanity, this new normal is hard but rewarding. By doing this little thing of staying home, we can actually make a difference.

This pandemic isn’t a hoax or something blown out of proportion. It’s not a political pawn. It’s not a chance to have parties and gatherings.

It is a sober reminder of our humanity and how each and every action we each take impacts our neighbors, friends, and family.

A Good Neighborhood, Therese Anne Fowler

I came into A Good Neighborhood a bit timid. I’d seen mixed reviews. Some hated it. Some loved it. I was worried about which side I’d fall on.

Perhaps because I live in the South or maybe because I’m a raging empath, I feel hard and fast into this book.

Xavier’s story is one that was so promising and uplifting—he was going places—until a selfish, racist, piece of trash decided his own life and desires mattered more than anything.

I loved everything about this book, until the ending. I wanted, well, I can’t tell you what I wanted without spoiling the ending.

I have a feeling this is a story that will stay with me for a while.

The Two Lives of Lydia Bird

Thank you to the publisher and NetGalley for the gifted copy.

Ugh. I don’t even know where to start with this review. I enjoyed the writing and the side characters but I had some issues with Lydia and how she basically abused sleeping pills to keep visiting her dead fiancé and it’s never addressed. She also didn’t really consider how her actions impacted those around her and really only cared when it affected her.

I knew the ending before I finished the first chapter because it’s how every book like this ends.

That said, this was a bittersweet book with a hopeful (predictable) ending.

The Lost Husband, Katherine Center

Guys. I did it. I actually finished a book for a buddy read! Definitely helps that I was hosting it

This was just the book I needed right now. Sweet, inspiring, emotional, perfect. I loved Libby and her helicopter mama bear style because that’s 100% me. I loved O’Connor and his take no BS approach to protecting his people. I want to be Jean when I grow up.

I loved this book. Loved it all. And, I cannot wait for the movie!

Finding Comfort

How are you doing?

The world is a messy and slightly scary place right now. The place I used to seek refuge in is now the only place I can go. I’m naturally a homebody until I have to be, then I start itching to go places.

Our daycare closed this week, so now my husband and I are working from home with two kids, two cats, and a dog. We, like millions of people around the world, are going a wee bit stir crazy.

Last night, I pulled out the emergency chocolate chips and baked up a batch of the most comforting cookie I know.

What’s a book that makes you feel the way that freshly baked chocolate chip cookies do?

You know, that warm, pull you into a hug, soothe you from the inside out kinda feeling.

For me, these are books that I got completely lost in. They took me out of my life and into another life, time, or even place, which I desperately need right now.

Before He Vanished, Debra Webb

Thank you to Harelquin for the gifted copy in exchange for an honest review.

Before He Vanished grabbed me immediately and didn’t let go until the last page. Normally, I’m all about trying to solve the mystery, but I was so wrapped up in the story that I didn’t even try to guess what had happened. And I’m glad I didn’t, because I’d have been wrong. Very wrong.

From the Publisher:
His disappearance changed her life forever.

Twenty-five years ago, Halle Lane’s best friend vanished from their Tennessee town. When a childhood photo brings Liam Hart to Winchester, Halle is certain the man is the same child who vanished. Now Liam seeks out Halle to help him investigate the circumstances of his mysterious past. Can Liam and Halle uncover the truth before a killer buries all traces of the boy Halle loved—and the man he may have become—forever?

Exclusive Excerpt:

The shower was like heaven on earth. Her body had needed the hot water so badly. Her muscles relaxed and she took her time, smoothing the soap over her skin and then shampooing her hair. She was grateful for the toiletry pack that included not only soap, shampoo and the usual, but disposable razors, as well.

By the time she was finished, her bones felt like rubber. She dried herself, slipped on underwear and the nightshirt and then used the hotel dryer to dry her hair. That part took the longest of all. When she exited the steamy bathroom the delicious aromas of room service had her stomach rumbling.

“Oh my God, that smells good.” She rushed to the table where the silver service sat. “Why aren’t you eating?”

“I was waiting for you.” He joined her at the table.

Ever the gentleman.

Halle curled her feet under her in her chair while Liam removed the covers from the dishes. Fish, chicken, vegetables. He had ordered all sorts of dishes and they all looked amazing.

“I thought we’d try a little of everything.”

A bottle of white wine as well as a bottle of rosé had her licking her lips.

“I wasn’t sure which one you preferred.” He gestured to the iced-down bottles. “And I didn’t forget dessert.” The final lid revealed a heavenly-looking chocolate cake with fudge icing.

“I may die right now.” She wanted to taste it all.

“Eat first.” He placed a linen napkin over his lap and stuck his fork into a tiny, perfectly roasted potato. She watched him eat and it was the sexiest thing she had ever seen. She didn’t fight it. Surrendered to instinct and that was how they ate. No plates, just taking whatever they wanted with a fork or fingers and devouring. They drank the wine and laughed at stories from their respective childhoods. From all the stories he’d told her, she could not wait to meet his sister, Claire.

By the time they were finished, she was feeling a little tipsy. The food was mostly gone and both bottles were drained. She felt more relaxed than she had in decades. They had discussed the day’s events and Burke and Austen—and Derrick. The man was still convinced she had a thing for Derrick. No way. She’d also told him what her mom had to say about any friends from Nashville the Clarks might have had, which was none who ever appeared at their door. She and Liam agreed that was somewhat unusual considering how social the Clarks had been in Winchester.

“You know,” she said, after polishing off the last of the wine in her glass, “I wrote you dozens of letters.”

“Me?”

She frowned and shook her head. “Andy.” Then she stared at him. “No. You. I mean you. Whatever you believe, I know you’re him.”

“Okay.” He laughed, his eyes glittering with the soft sound.

God, his mouth was sexy when he was relaxed. She put her hand to her mouth just to make sure she hadn’t said the words out loud.

“Tell me about the letters,” he prompted.

“I told you what was going on in Winchester. Who was doing what at school. I even put pictures with the letters.” She laughed. Placed her glass on the table. “It was silly, I know. But I wanted to still feel you and that was the only way I could.”

She blinked. He had moved. He was suddenly next to her, on his knees, staring into her eyes, and her breath caught.

“I don’t know if I’m this Andy you loved so much when you were a kid,” he said softly, so softly she shivered, “but I would really like to be the guy you care about now.”

Her heart swelled into her throat. She started to suggest that it was the wine talking, but it wasn’t. The truth was in his eyes. Those blue eyes she knew as well as her own. And despite her wine consumption, she was stone-cold sober as she considered what could happen between them tonight.

“I’m really glad, because I would hate to think I’m in this alone,” she confessed.

He kissed her so sweetly that tears stung her eyes. Then he stood and pulled her into his arms. He carried her to the nearest bed.

No matter what happened tomorrow, she would always cherish this night.