Kestrel Casey's Blog, page 8

A New Lens for an Old Life

When you’re sick, you spend a lot of time thinking about being sick.

Do I have the flu?

This sucks.

I need to drink more water.

Which medicine is actually the best for this?

I’m not really feeling up for that thing I planned. 

I want to sleep.

Maybe a heating pad will make that body part feel better.

This sucks.

I hope I feel better tomorrow.

Unfortunately, when you’re chronically ill, this is every day.

Being sick isn’t something you forget. You can get really good at it, recognizing the body’s warning signs like a trail guide reads the weather, but you don’t get over it. Even if you do feel better tomorrow, you will feel worse again soon. That’s your life now.

This is why a lot of my personal blogs will deal with chronic illness. If you’re not here for that, that’s okay. There are lots of other fun blogs you can go read instead. I just wanted you to understand.

 

Lately, I’ve been thinking about my past.

The sun has been coming out, and I’ve put on a lacy tank top and hobbled out to the balcony to squint at it, trying to remember what my life was like getting sick. My life has not yet been long. Hell, it may never be. But in the time I’ve had, I remember doing more than this.

I went to punk shows and learned to spin fire. I worked for the Vermont Conversation Corps, digging ditches and building rock walls. I went to comic conventions in Portland, Oregon and sang to coyotes in Tucson, Arizona. I had a life once. Now I walk with a cane and desperately try to gain back the weight I’ve lost. I’m an amalgamation of bones that writes books. I am, as of this week, 29 years old.

I’ve been diagnosed with fibromyalgia, plus a heart defect and some other assorted junk. Some people can divide their lives into before and after diagnosis. I am not one of them. This is why I’ve been thinking about my past.

I don’t know when I started to get sick.

I was diagnosed less than six months ago, but it was almost two years ago that I became too sick to work and had to quit my day job. Before that, three more years of abdominal pain and weight loss. Before that, migraines since puberty. I have always been the first one to need to sit down for a while. I have always overslept. I have always had to physically work very hard to do things that other people handled easily. Somehow, I just assumed that these difficulties were normal and everyone else was hiding them better.

Now, I don’t know how many of these things were just life, and how many were illness.

On one hand, I feel like I should go back through most of my adult life, apologizing to people. I’m sorry I was so fuzzy-headed that day. I’m sorry I slept through that thing that was important. I’m sorry I couldn’t work harder. I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry. I didn’t know. I didn’t do it on purpose. I wasn’t myself. Maybe I never have been.

Wasn’t I, though? If having a defective body has affected so much of my life, isn’t it just part of who I am? I suck at math, too, and I’ve accepted that as part of myself. A wonky heart valve isn’t so different from the shape of my ears or the weird bend in my little toes. Who knows where sickness ends and I begin? Or any of us?

I had a solid crying session over this whole mess before coming out the other side laugh-crying and giving my lucky stars an ironic salute. If I’d never gotten severely ill, I wouldn’t have written all these books (which sounds like a pretty ridiculous thing to say, but it’s true, because I never would have quit my day job of my own volition.)

Sometimes I hate it. Sometimes I feel disjointed. But it’s all me. It’s really no more or less than anyone else gets.

And to the extent of my ability, I’m gonna run with it.

A Word and A Bullet: Now out on Kindle

It’s here, folks.

Contains LARPers, killer storms, and sassy horses.

 

Paperback coming soon. I just got the first proof copy today, along with my shiny new business cards. (They’re actually shiny…I got ones with silver foil this time.) Will be working from this proof until the print version is perfect and ready to go.

*cracks horsewhip over my own head* Back to work, me! Hyah!

Fan Art Contest

As some of you may have noticed (at least one of you did, because you made fun of me), I have a section for fan art on this website. Why? Because I love fan art. I have loved fan art since Elfwood.com was a big thing. I loved fan art when it was something people did on the back of homework. It’s a way to connect to someone else’s idea. That’s pretty cool.

Do I get a lot of art for my own work? No. Of course I don’t. I have one book out. I have a few thousand readers, and while many of them are very loving and enthusiastic, not everyone feels the impulse to draw what they read. If you’re not J.K Rowling or Patricia Briggs (and I’m not), you don’t get much fan art.

But I won’t take that section of the website down, because I love it.

And also because it houses some amazing art by Kari Kartoonist.

So we’re going to fill it, instead.

HERE IS THE DEAL:

Make me some art of Mab and Vet from The Big Book of Post-Collapse Fun. Scribble on a napkin. Make a mashed potato sculpture. I don’t care. Mab is a badass with a curvy body and spiky red hair. Vet is a big blackish silly dog. They should be fun subjects.

Then send that art to WrrrdNrrrdGrrrl@gmail.com, with the subject “ART!”

Everyone who sends in a creation will get a free digital copy of book two, A Word And A Bullet.

One winning entry, as selected by a panel of Twitter followers, will get a $50.00 Amazon Gift Card.

Contest ends 5/1/16.

Happy art-making.

Things

Pretty sure I covered this at some point, but yes, my blog posts here are kind of sporadic. It’s part of the chronic illness deal. Some days you blog, other days you get tested for lupus for the third time and doctors take all your blood like professional vampires. Thems the breaks.

That said, I do a slightly better job at keeping up with blogs for my publisher, so if you want to read those, find them here.

Also, friend of the WrrrdNrrrdGrrrl blog Ashe Armstrong is having a Kickstarter for his new book. I will vouch for its awesomeness. You can pick up digital copies of books one AND two at a backer level of $15. So go kick it!

Okay, that’s all, folks! Have a good day!

 

…Oh, I’m actually supposed to blog about something? Oops. I don’t know why you all want to know about what I’m up to. Most of it isn’t terribly exciting. I write things, and I edit them. I play ukulele. I go to doctor appointments. I play Borderlands. I fiddle with my diet to try to be less sick. I sleep a lot. That pretty much covers the last month.

I did promise some of my followers a recording of “Baby, I’m An Anarchist” by Against Me! as played on ukulele, so here’s that as well.

 

Pretty sure I covered this at some point, but yes, my blo...

Pretty sure I covered this at some point, but yes, my blog posts here are kind of sporadic. It’s part of the chronic illness deal. Some days you blog, other days you get tested for lupus for the third time and doctors take all your blood like professional vampires. Thems the breaks.

That said, I do a slightly better job at keeping up with blogs for my publisher, so if you want to read those, find them here.

Also, friend of the WrrrdNrrrdGrrrl blog Ashe Armstrong is having a Kickstarter for his new book. I will vouch for its awesomeness. You can pick up digital copies of books one AND two at a backer level of $15. So go kick it!

Okay, that’s all, folks! Have a good day!

 

…Oh, I’m actually supposed to blog about something? Oops. I don’t know why you all want to know about what I’m up to. Most of it isn’t terribly exciting. I write things, and I edit them. I play ukulele. I go to doctor appointments. I play Borderlands. I fiddle with my diet to try to be less sick. I sleep a lot. That pretty much covers the last month.

I did promise some of my followers a recording of “Baby, I’m An Anarchist” by Against Me! as played on ukulele, so here’s that as well.

 

I’ll Pay For This Later: Adventures In Chronic Illness

My body hates doing things these days. It hates traveling, eating, lifting, going up stairs, drinking, running, stretching, and dancing. Some days, I can’t even convince it to stand up in the shower. I used to work for the conservation corps. Now being a lump is a fact of life.

It’s not so terrible. I can still read and write and watch Netflix. I can socialize online when I’m not well enough to socialize in real life. But every once in a while, the cabin fever overcomes the inertia of chronic illness, and I desperately need to get out of the house.

One of my many doctors recently gave me a prescription for a BIG SERIOUS PAINKILLER, a little white oblong pill that improves my quality of life considerably. It knocks my pain levels down to ‘mildly obnoxious,’ rather than ‘I hate everything and want to exist as a bodiless head.’ It also makes me feel sleepy and drunk. After years of being mostly housebound, being pain-free and dopey as hell may have led to some bad decisions.

For a few short days, I staggered around behaving almost like a normal person.

In one night, I saw Star Wars, hit up a karaoke bar, and went bowling. BOWLING. Some days, I can’t lift the milk jug out of the fridge, but I WENT BOWLING AND I DIDN’T DIE OF PAIN. It was like I’d broken the laws of physics somehow. BOWLING. FUN. UNBELIEVABLE.

I should have stopped there. I didn’t.

Long story short, the recommended dose of painkillers kept me going on this bizarre living-my-life high for almost three days, culminating in a New Year’s Eve party at a bar a few blocks from Times Square.

And then I crashed.

Waking up the next morning, I discovered that not only had I completely wrecked my body, which ached from stem to stern, but that the recommendation not to drink while taking painkillers should not be skirted, not even a little bit, not even for bad champagne. I felt like a pile of scrap.

And days later, despite hydrating and gentle stretching and eating like I’m supposed to, I still feel like someone is going to come along and hang a sign on my neck: “Disaster Area. Stay Clear.”

Was it worth it?

Probably. The demands of my body mean I spend a lot of time inside, in bed, in careful consideration of my health, and while that’s great for my physical health, it’s anathema to my emotional well-being. Sometimes girls just gotta have fun, even if it means a long stretch of recovery.

If anyone needs me, I’ll be in bed until April or so.

Ornaments

Went back to see my parents early for Christmas, and had a bit of fun rifling through all the awful ornaments I made when I was young. I decided to share. First, we picked out a tree:

 

Then the ornaments came out. My parents have a wonderful collection of beautiful, meaningful, lovingly crafted ornaments. And then there’s these.

 

I saved the worst for last.

 

I think that middle one was meant to be a potpourri ball. My conclusion is, there should be a rule. Anything made before the age of 10 ought to be destroyed when the child reaches 18. Or at least by 30.

Not everything was horrible ornaments. I met my parents’ new dog, Viggo, visited my grandparents, revisited childhood Christmas toys, and took a lovely train ride back. Here are some other, less hilariously bad photos.

 

 

And now I’m back in New York.

 

Merry Christmas, everyone!

Phaethon: The Book I Can Talk About Now

Some of you probably saw the official announcement on social media that one of my novels, Phaethon, has been acquired by Pandamoon Publishing. Since that info is now public, I can tell you about the book. Huzzah! You may have seen some of fan art for it floating around my pages, specifically the siren with “Hold Fast” tattooed on her knuckles:

 

Here’s the story:

 

“Jack and Rosie are a hacker couple who crack technology and offer tech services to supplement their meager income. When a new smartphone is released, they snag one of the first devices on the market. Attempts to hack it yield unusual results. The Phaethon device is impervious to their skills. It has abilities that seem technologically impossible. As Jack and Rosie look further into the device and its makers, they discover that their new tech toy is actually powered by an old-world energy source: a living creature that identifies itself as a faerie.

The two overwhelmed techies hunt for more information. They find out that a new power among the fae is enslaving others and manufacturing tech to control both human and faerie populations. Jack and Rosie enlist the help of a few friends, and go to war to save two species: Their own, and one they never knew existed.”

 

Phaethon is decidedly my best work to date, which is why I pursued traditional publication for it. It’s also friendly to a wider audience. While Post-Collapse was more or less specific to twenty-somethings who appreciate good profanity, Phaethon would be relatively safe to read out loud in public, though probably not in church. It does contain a few emotional punches. Nothing my tough readers can’t handle, I’m sure. As always, it does have some humor as well, since I don’t seem to be capable of writing more than a few pages without tossing in the proverbial banana peel. Overall, I honestly think you’ll like it. I’m excited.

I’ll keep this blog updated with publisher news, as well as the goings-on of the second self-published Planetary Tarantella book.

Now excuse me while I do a very long wiggle-dance of anticipation.

 

 

Books The Universe Gave Me In 2015

I don’t know what the standard method is for finding new books. Everyone has their own, I’m sure, and some people actually read all those paperbacks one finds waiting in line at the pharmacy. I assume some get their recommendations from bestseller lists. Me, I just sit back and let the universe throw books at me.

If I find one left behind at a bus station, I adopt it. Sometimes I sign into Twitter and snag the first book I see there. I get emails from BookBub, but my selection process from the offerings is a mystery even to me. Friends appear and put books in my hands. I read them.

Through this osmosis, I have found some wonderful and terrible books, and sometimes, books that are both.

Honestly, I don’t like to talk about the ones I didn’t like: A writer out there somewhere put their whole heart into that messy thing, and some not-me reader is probably going to love it. So I leave those alone.

On the other hand, I love pointing out the good discoveries. Here are a few of my favorites from this year. Please don’t ask me how I found any particular one of them, because I won’t have the faintest idea.

https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/13565470-tranquility-s-blaze

https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/11516221-the-scorpion-rules

https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/25638569-a-demon-in-the-desert

https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/26178321-malus-domestica

https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/18586621-until-the-end-of-the-world

https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/23317952-a-tree-born-crooked

https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/19351043-nimona

Five Things To Do On The Internet

I know. There are millions of things to do on the internet. Yet, somehow, we occasionally get stuck in a three-tab loop, when we could be availing ourselves of infinite other options. Here are five things I like to do on the internet.

(This list is also good for anyone who finds themselves reading celebrity news, stalking exes on social media, or considering participation in GamerGate. Don’t do any of those things. They’re stupid. Do these instead.)

1. HIT THE “RANDOM” BUTTON ON WIKIPEDIA

When something interests you, stop and read it. Click on a link in that article. Read the next one. Learn some stuff. If you get three athlete pages in a row, give up for now and do something else.

2. FALL IN LOVE WITH A WEBCOMIC

All around the world, for almost two decades, people have been putting heart and soul into little arcs of story art for you to click through. If you find one you like, there might be YEARS of material to read.

Here are few you can start with, if you and I have similar tastes:

http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/

http://strongfemaleprotagonist.com/

http://modestmedusa.com

http://flipside.keenspot.ccom

http://xkcd.com

3. PLAY A VIDEO GAME THAT TEACHES YOU TO DO A THING

My personal favorite is codecombat.com, which is free and can teach you to work with one of several coding languages. You can look around and find thousands more learning games. And remember: It doesn’t matter if it’s meant for kids. Kids get all the best stuff.

4. LOOK AT ART.

Once upon a time, people had to go to museums to see art. You don’t. Study the classics on museum sites. Browse deviantart.com. Think about the creation of each piece. Be stunned for a little while.

5. VOLUNTEER YOUR BRAIN

The internet is full of questions. You’re smart, one way or another. Go to quora.com, or a site like it, and exchange some knowledge.

It beats the hell out of looking at other people’s baby pictures on Facebook.